Here are a few examples by famous people (they are fair game):
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it" - Mark Twain.
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork" -Mae West
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. If you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Chuchill
"Cannot possibly attend the first night, will attend second... if there is one" -Winston Churchill to Shaw
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it" - Groucho Marx
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts; for support rather than illumination" -Andrew Lang
"He has Van Gogh's taste for music" -Billy WIlder
"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses" -Elizabeth Taylor
"He's never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner about Hemmingway
"Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway about Faulkner
"He has all of the virtues I dislke and none of the vices I admire" -Winston Churchill
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily" -Charles, Count Talleyrand
Refraining from using any and all vulgarities, find a way to express your dissatisfaction about someone or some situation without using swear words, dirty slang, or any direct reference to or expression of foulness.
Express it using creative idioms. Be derogatory in a playful, polite witty or offhand way, in a way such that the Queen of England might chortle or smirk, no trecoil in disgust; something that would be accepted as a high brow enough bandy about in high society.
Make up new terms as needed or desired, or use lesser heard but witty old ones.
If they're good enough, I may plagiarize without giving you credit, which is the highest compliment anyone can dole out.