chess.com - the movie - Chess Forums - Page 3

artfizz

Nov 7, 2008

0

#41

Scene: The Chess.com Help & Support Centre (Center).

Helpful Harry: There are so many things wrong with chess.com. I wish I could fix some of them.

Erik the Red: You have but to ask. I will give you three wishes.

Harry: And you’ll make my wishes come true?

Red: No, but my three trusty lieutenants here will make you wish you had never wished for them in the first place.

Harry: How would that work then?

Red: Watch and Learn. (Hey, that’s an idea for a new chess.com motto.)

Baseballbat(staff): What can I do for you, Harry?

Harry: I’d like to have a better rating.

Baseballbat(staff): No problem-o. Currently you’re 1400 and you beat 60% of your opponents. What rating would you like?

Harry: Would 1600 be unreasonable?

Baseballbat(staff): Highly reasonable; very modest, in fact. Poof! Your rating is now 1600. On the basis of your ability, you’ll probably win around 20% of your games. Have fun!

Harry: Nooooooooooo. Wait. Come back!

Harry: What I meant was: I wish I had more chess ability.

Shillelagh(staff):Harry. Harry. Harry. You must always say what you mean – otherwise you may not get what you deserve. Chess ability is determined, in part, by the parents you had. If you had the wrong parents, you may have ended up with the wrong abilities.

Harry: Is it too late to change?

Shillelagh(staff):Not at all! Tell me your parents' address and details. I’ll have them erased in no time, and we’ll find you a set of parents you can be proud of.

Harry: Well I didn’t mean that you should change my parents, I was hoping you could change me.

Shillelagh(staff):Just give us the names, Harry, and the address.

Harry: Nooooooo…..

Harry: I wish I could change my chess.com username.

HockeyStick(staff): Easy as pie. What is it currently?

Harry: Harry Up And Move

HockeyStick(staff): Sounds harmless enough. What’s the problem?

Harry: People think I’m saying they’re too slow in moving – so they abuse me in the game chat, ridicule me in the forums, then they take their full 3 days per move. Then they go on vacation for 40 days!

HockeyStick(staff): We can’t have that, can we? Have you thought what you would like as your new username?

Harry: What do you suggest?

HockeyStick(staff): People often combine a title that reflects how they see themselves - with a number that reflects the rating they aspire to.

Harry: I see. How about Chess Genius 1500?

HockeyStick(staff): Already taken.

Harry: Chess Guru 1500?

HockeyStick(staff): Reserved for a paying customer.

Harry: What is available?

HockeyStick(staff): Chess Meister 9000

Harry: Perfect. I’ll take it.

HockeyStick(staff): Poof. Your new username is ready. Oh, by the way, there’s a class action lawsuit pending for trademark infringement against anyone who uses a name similar to a well-known chess program.

Harry: Noooooooooooo… I wish I had never …

artfizz

Nov 7, 2008

0

#42

Scene: The French Philosophers Group Forum.

paul211: Zut Alors!. Five of the most famous French thinkers in history. This is a unique opportunity to gain insight into what is really going on. What is the biggest problem we face today, would you say? Is it War? Apathy? Despair?

Voltaire: Too much thinking - and not enough drinking!

Rene Descartes: What's the use of all this philosophy, psychology, physiotheraphy, pyscho-babble. It's not helping my chess at all.

Jean-Paul Sartre: Actually, my most famous trilogy was inspired by a chess game I was playing: Les Routes a Liberte [The Roads to Freedom].

paul211: I thought that it was about finding your own path, freeing yourself from the tyranny of bourgeois expectations like having to brush your teeth?

Jean-Paul Sartre: No, I just made up some clever-sounding quotes to help promote the book. There I was: my rook was pinned, I was two major pieces down, the clock was ticking away, staring checkmate in the face, when suddenly, …

paul211: You thought of an escape route?

Jean-Paul Sartre: No, I thought of a great line : The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.

paul211: But you figured out how to free the rook?

Jean-Paul Sartre: Did I heck! I got a fork and a skewer on the bastard. He won’t play chess again in a hurry until he’s recovered from those injuries!

Madame Rene Decartes: Chess! Chess! Chess! That's all I ever hear about. We use to talk about existentialism-e, nihilism-e, fraternite, equalite, ...

Albert Camus: Shut up, woman, and make us a pot of tea!

Madame Jean-Paul Sartre (Simone de Boudoir): Women who spend the better time of their life, cleaning, putting this away in their proper place and being too tidy in general expand much energy doing this because their sexual life is not fulfilled.

Rene Descartes: It is not in giving life but in risking life that man is raised above the animal; that is why superiority has been accorded in humanity not to the sex that brings forth but to that which kills.

Madame Jean-Paul Sartre (Simone de Beauvoir): Hey, I said that!

Albert Camus: And that's why they'll never be any decent women chess players!

paul211: You used to be fanatical about freedom – the struggle to overcome tyranny. Now look at you. You’re just a bunch of has-beens.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau: A pawn is born free and everywhere he is in chains.

Albert Camus: You can permit yourself any liberty in the opening except the luxury of a passive position.

Voltaire: Play the opening like a book, the middlegame like a magician, and the endgame like a machine.

Jean-Paul Sartre: Of chess it has been said that life is not long enough for it, but that is the fault of life, not chess.

paul211: It’s the fault of the stupid chess.com vacation rules.

Voltaire: FINALLY you’re starting to think like a philosopher.

gibberishlwmetlkwn

Nov 7, 2008

0

#43

Why not find voice actors and make an audio production out of this short?

thegab03

Nov 8, 2008

0

#44

Deep!

artfizz

Nov 10, 2008

0

#45

Scene: scriptwriters' conference

paul211 wrote: When you say "zut alors" what do you mean? being French is has for me only 2 connations: shucks or holy mackerel! One more it also means I have missed this. So what is your intention here?

Vell, zut alors is von of zose Gallic phrases zat ve use to 'set the scene'. It's a vay of tellink the viewer zat ve are in Vrance - alzo, ve are speakink Inglish!

paul211 wrote: Voltaire, François Marie Arouet, 1694 to 1778, de Voltaire in my opinion was an idealist, but do not refer to his life only his thoughts as his lines of philosophy included essays on :existence, knowledge, truth, beauty, justice, validity and mind.

So you are drawing attention to the fact that the two quotes attributed to Voltaire are both false AND they portray him inaccurately? I can only say, in my defence: "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. "

paul211 wrote: René Descartes, 1596–1650), also known as Renatus Cartesius, thus the Cartesian method his book called in French Le discours de la Méthode, he was also a mathematician that summarizes very briefly said when you have a complex problem breaking it down to simple resolvable elements and this what I do in all of my chess games.

An effective method - and one we would do well to apply to this movie script. However, according to Voltaire (again): Let us work without theorizing, tis the only way to make life endurable.

paul211 wrote: Cartesian means a rigourous method or an approach to solve a situation. It is in mathematics the distance from a plane, a plane is 2 dimensions, Cartesian coordinate system (also called rectangular coordinate system) is used to determine each point uniquely in a plane through two numbers, usually called the x-coordinate and the y coordinate, in a 3 dimensional plane there is also a Z coordinate, very practical if you want to calculate polar equations or lissajous figures, you know those constantly moving shapes in the 3 d plane like the cochaded or snail like shapes.

It seems as though Descartes' co-ordinates idea could bring some real benefits to chess. Pre-Descartian chess move history: King's bishop - forward a bit, mind the pawn, then left, forward some more, steady, left again. Post-Descartian chess move history: Bf4.

paul211 wrote: The book from Sartre you are referring to in French is called: "Les chemins de la liberté", and your translation is absolutely 100% right: "The road to freedom", meaning you have to find your own path as I have read this book.

if only he had thought to call it "Les chemins de Fer de la liberté", ["the railways to freedom"], he could have got sponsorship from Société Nationale des Chemins de Fer [French Railways], and SNCF could have used the title as their slogan.

paul211 wrote: As far as Sartre is concerned I have sent to you a short exposé on his work. And if readers of this post want to read it I will publish it.

I fear it may lack popular appeal, but there is certainly a Philosophers' Group, who may be more appreciative.

paul211 wrote: Albert Camus is not much of an interest to me his existentialist philosophy lacks depth.

Nevertheless, he had some nous: Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. He could have been describing this venture!

paul211 wrote ... A great plot but filled with so many innacuracies,or perhaps this is the plot, but who besides myself knows this, a nice try to set up a modern philosophical drama or plot or intrigue, and on that line of thought may I recommend the famous Herlock Sholmes written by Conan Doyle born in Scotland not too far from London, I am playing with your thoughts here and I do know, after all it is one of the famous writers which I really enjoyed reading as a youngster and did solved at 15 years old most of his mysteries or intrigues.

Many people pay me the same compliment that Dr. Watson paid Holmes: His ignorance was as remarkable as his knowledge. "The Strange Affair at chess.com" is certainly worthy of consideration for the sequel.

paul211 wrote: Of the most famous French philosophers and others let me name:

1. Michel De Montaigne, he popularized the essay, not a small thing today, as a literary genre.

2. René Descartes, we have covered him above.

3. Blaise Pascal, mathetician, physicist and philosopher.

4. Jean Jacques Rousseau, a Swiss philosopher: he influenced the French revolution: his well known book ''The Confessions " is worth reading, I have read it.

5. Auguste Comte, not my favorite.

So there you have it an anthology of the most famous French philosophers.

My best choice for a French philosopher is Pascal with his famous quote: "Where do I stand between the infinitely small and the universe ?

When chess.com - the movie gets dubbed into French, you could slip in the real philosopy for the sophisticated French audiences.

paul211: Next do we go to German philosophers as they are pretty good? ? I can respond.

Nietsche already got a look in with the Greeks. But, by all means, if you can condense German philosophical thinking to a few pages, it will provide a little more substance to this undertaking. Beware though: a single German word can occupy a paragraph. A number of books, notably, Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Maintenance and Sophie's World - have used the book-within-the-book plot device to tell a story at two levels.

Onward and upward.

thegab03

Nov 10, 2008

0

#46

My best choice for a French philosopher is Pascal with his famous quote: "Where do I stand between the infinitely small and the universe ?

Is it not the same Pascal that's on the old 500 franc note?

RedSoxpawn

Nov 10, 2008

0

#47

I will play the part of a memberpoint hungry 17 year old

artfizz

Nov 10, 2008

0

#48

RedSoxpawn wrote:

I will play the part of a memberpoint hungry 17 year old

LOL <------ This is what you should have replied to secure that role. You're overqualified being both articulate and the correct chronological age. Sorry.

Does anyone have Macaulay Culkin's phone number?

RedSoxpawn

Nov 10, 2008

0

#49

haha

thegab03

Nov 10, 2008

0

#50

Yo!

RedSoxpawn

Nov 10, 2008

0

#51

nice

artfizz

Feb 3, 2009

0

#52

Scene: The semi-final round of the Challenger’s Chess Tournament.

On board 1, Bob Black faces Willy White, playing white. On board 2, Barack Black, Bob’s brother, faces Willy Win playing black. Board 3 has Bill Black (no relation) playing white, playing Bobby Black (also no relation). On board 4, Willard White, Bill’s brother-in-law, plays Willard White II (White’s father); White is playing black. We join the competition in the middle of the first session. The commentators are Will Black and Bob White.

How do rate White’s chances?

White is usually considered to have an advantage but of course, here, he’s playing black.

So you think Black has a slight edge.

I would certainly give Black odds of 4:3 against White.

And will ‘e win?

Well ‘e might – but Willy Win won’t – he’s not wily enough. Barack Black in white: he’s a dark horse.

You have to wonder whether Black playing Black is a odder situation than White playing black.

Or Black playing White! Does Willard White deserve a second chance?

Willard White the second is on his first chance – but he’s second-to-none playing black.

Didn’t Nunn go out in the last round.

That’s right - as white. Black's opening was unexpected.

White doesn't like to move second.

White doesn't like black? I never realised that.

…

perp124

Feb 3, 2009

0

#53

Sean Connery as ArtFizz.

darius

Feb 3, 2009

0

#54

Supplementary cast:

anna farris plays (takes the part of) alexandra kosteniuk

shannon dougherty plays you hifan

james woods plays bobby fischer

jack nicholson plays gary kasparov

gary kasparov plays boris spaasky

kramnik plays homer simpson

matt damon plays magnus caarlsen (sp)

ben affleck plays vishy anand

and jay and silent bob play fide directors

billium plays the mad chess stalker

thegab directs

and I will be in charge of coffee breaks and bagels

darius

Feb 3, 2009

0

#55

descartes wasn't he the guy that invented gps

heddy lamar invented the satellite and al gore gets credit for inventing everything else

thegab03

Feb 3, 2009

0

#56

Deascartes was a matamatichen, sorry for the owl spelling, for where I lived in Paris used to be 14 rue Descartes & on most of the street signs of the old & deceased are written what them bros were up to!

oldmangeorge

Feb 3, 2009

0

#57

searching for bobby fischer chess movie and there has been a chess play just called chess.if u remember correctly.

darius

Feb 3, 2009

0

#58

descartes a mathematician, hm, that just doesn't add up, I still think he was a door to door knish salesman I used to know in the old neighborhood

Lhuzin's defense wasn't that a movie about chess with john tortorro--I was in charge of coffee breaks on the set of that too

thegab03

Feb 3, 2009

0

#59

Dacartes, the owl French famous one is brown bread a long time a go unless he's knocking on heavens door for an owl invite!

artfizz

Feb 15, 2010

0

#60

darius wrote:

descartes a mathematician, hm, that just doesn't add up, I still think he was a door to door knish salesman I used to know in the old neighborhood

Lhuzin's defense wasn't that a movie about chess with john tortorro--I was in charge of coffee breaks on the set of that too

There were some great coffee breaks in that movie. It's a funny thing, though: they are different every time I watch it.