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#717 ... seen it before but it's bloody good
I heard a religious joke the other day. Would you like me to post it? Say yes, so I can blame it on you
Blame me! Blame me!!!
I deny all responsibility for the forthcoming joke in case it causes offence ......
London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music on the radio, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so bugger off and wait for a camel."
I don't think there was electricity then either.
Bits from a website I found
On hearing one of his students use the expression, "I don't know nothing about it..." a teacher took the opportunity to explain about double negatives and correct grammar to the class.
The teacher explained, "In the English language a double negative makes the statement positive, so your assertion that you 'don't know nothing about it' is actually an admission that you do know something about it."
Encouraged by the interest in this revelation among certain class members, the teacher went on to demonstrate more of his knowledge of world languages: "Of course not all languages operate according to the same grammatical rules, for example, in Russian, a double negative remains negative, although perhaps surprisingly, there is not a single language anywhere in the world in which a double positive makes a negative.."
At which a voice from the back of the classroom called out ironically "Yeah, right.."
FUNNY NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
Crack found in man's buttocks
Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike Says
One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers
Miners refuse to work after death
Stolen painting found by tree
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Coach fire - passengers safely alight
Grandmother of eight makes a hole in one
Drunks get nine months in violin case
Prostitutes appeal to religious Leader
Failed panda mating - veterinarian takes over
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
I am neither for nor against apathy.
"God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.
Express Lane: Five beers or less. (Sign above a urinal.)
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Sign in a women's washroom)
''I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one animal there, a dog. It was a shitzu.''
A computer programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with twelve loaves of bread.
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'
ONELINER QUICK QUOTES
Chinese proverb1: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Chinese proverb2: Girl who sit on judge's knee get honourable discharge.
Chinese proverb3: Boy with hole in pocket feel a little cocky all day. Boy with two holes in pocket not feel too cocky.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
"It's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." (Winston Churchill)
FROM 'LETTERS TO THE COUNCIL' (ALLEGEDLY)
"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."
"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."
"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"
"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."
"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."
"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."
"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."
"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."
"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."
"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
FUNNY QUOTES REASONS FOR TRANSPORT REQUESTS TO THE CLINIC
(apparently from the Chiropodists Association Journal)
I'm under the doctor and can't breathe.
I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.
I can't breathe and haven't done so for years.
I have got athritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.
I am unable to walk now as my dog has died.
I cannot drive a car because I haven't got one.
My husband's dead and won't bring me.
I need transport as I have funny feet.
When your man brings me back could you ask him to drop me off at the White Swan.
I hope you will send your driver as my husband is quite useless.
My wife must have transport as she is over 80 and drives me mad.
I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to your clinic is up.
I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.
FUNNY MOTOR INSURANCE CLAIMS
"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form)
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
My wife is off Irish descent.
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
Are the religious nutcases gone?
Theists are here, we just prefer to stay relevant to the forum
An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this fucking church."
The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this fucking church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money."
"I see," said the Bishop, "and is this cunt giving you a hard time?"
That one will not go down well.
8/28/2014 - White to Draw
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