Upgrade to Chess.com Premium!

Laughter is the best medicine

  • 2 weeks ago · Quote · #801


    A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

    Johnny says, "None."

    The teacher asks, "Why?"

    Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

    The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

    Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

    The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

    Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

  • 2 weeks ago · Quote · #802


  • 2 weeks ago · Quote · #803


    lol good one

  • 2 weeks ago · Quote · #804


     Michael Jackson? 

  • 2 weeks ago · Quote · #805


    Why was Michael Jackson fired from the Pediatricians Office?

    Highlight for answer: He kept trying their patients!!

  • 2 weeks ago · Quote · #806


    Kinda similar why Dr Harold Shipley lost his job:  He kept losing his patients.

  • 2 weeks ago · Quote · #807


    Mikado777 написал:

     Michael Jackson? 

    I meant black never white Cool

  • 2 weeks ago · Quote · #808


    A man and his son are on a small street. They see a dog having sex. "What is it?" the boy asks. Father hesitate. He says: The first dog is kind , and the other dog  to tired  and it helps the other dog to go home. "Well," says the boy. But after ten steps, he again asked: Dad, why all persons to want to f*** the kind man?

  • 13 days ago · Quote · #809


    Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

    Beacause they're always a little short

  • 13 days ago · Quote · #810


    A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents? each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but he never took a pretzel.

    And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

    "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a very good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

    When Golda Meir held the office of Prime Minister, she tried to encourage Henry Kissinger to make Israel a top priority.

    He sent her a letter: "I would like to inform you that I'm first an American citizen, second Secretary of State and third a Jew."

    She responded: "In Israel when we read, we start from the other direction!"

  • 3 days ago · Quote · #811


    Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

    He ate his dinner before it was cool.

  • 2 days ago · Quote · #812


    MoonlessNight wrote:

    Why did the hipster burn his tounge?

    He ate his dinner before it was cool.

    Very good!

  • 23 hours ago · Quote · #813


    As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

    At one point, she said, "Daddy,look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

    Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

    When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

    I said, "What's wrong,honey?"

    She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

  • 23 hours ago · Quote · #814


    A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

    The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. As the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

    "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

    "Well, the first week was difficult! However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, and reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefully. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," advised the pastor.

    "We know," assented the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

  • 22 hours ago · Quote · #815


    The great thing about liking younger women is the older I get, the more of them qualify.

Back to Top

Post your reply: