Crazy Chess Conspiracies Uncovered!
NOTE: THIS IS COMPLETE SATIRE AND IS MADE FOR DUNKING ON CONSPIRACY THEORISTS. IF YOU BELIEVE ANY OF THESE "THEORIES", SEEK PSYCHIATRIC HELP. ALSO, I DO NOT SUPPORT LICHESS PROPAGANDA.
This is Ronen Columbo writing, one of the most enlightened minds on this website. There have been many crazy and curious claims in the chess world, but today I invite you to uncover with me some of the most shocking chess secrets ever known, proved by lovely line graphs and terrific tables. Stats never lie, right?
Everyone can theorise as much as they want about if Hans Niemann was cheating that fateful day against Magnus, but I know things much more important than if some silly beads were on some silly man's person, things that have remained a closely-guarded secret... until now! Today, I open my secrets box and share the truth with the world.
In this blog, I will give you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth on the side of the chess community they tried to keep covered for so long. It will be shocking, bamboozling, and positively third-eye opening.
So hold on to your tinfoil hats and let's dive right in!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
- Gothamchess's Secret Identity
Ah, yes, the humble pawn. The little soldiers on the front line, the backbone of every chess game. However, I have discovered a stunning secret. These little weaklings are not what they make themselves to be. No, the pawns are actually... American demons! Yes, yes, shocking I know, but I have irrefutable evidence!
These scum of the 64 squares, innocent and feeble as they may seem, have a hidden agenda (as everything does) and are simply wearing a mask of pitifulness. Using the ancient technique of the Google, I found two graphs for searching for the words "hell" and "pawn" over the past 5 years in America, and well...
No, beloved theorists, I am not going insane! These pawns are only now named that because they are minor pieces in the game of Lucifer himself! "Oh, Ronen, that's not enough evidence!", you say. Well then, you'll have to agree, as this rabbit hole goes all the way down to the Ninth Circle!
You see, after December 21st, 2012, when the world was supposed to end according to the completely logical and in no way baseless Mayan Doomsday Calendar, Lucifer had a tantrum. He wanted to get the Armageddon party started. So he spent a while ruminating, and at last his serpentine eyes fell on the world of chess: specifically, the humble pawn.
So over the next 5 years he used his demonic powers to secretly switch every pawn in America with tiny demons that, when touched, would fill chess players with dark thoughts, tempting them to sell their souls for chess playing prowess.
If that wasn't enough, the word pawn comes from the Latin word "pignus". Take away the p and you get "ignus": a word associated with fire; heat; and flame. And what's something commonly found in Lucifer's domain, loyal theorists? That's right - all three! It's so simple!
The more chess games that are played, the more we may slip into the Devil's grasp! Tread carefully, and if you hear any strange whisperings coming from your chessboard, or have a sudden urge to draw an upside-down star, run to the edges of our flat world.
Speaking of our wonderfully 2-dimensional planet, I have stumbled upon concrete evidence that all this "oblate spheroid" nonsense is the ramblings of madmen and errors of faulty machinery. Those madmen ask and attempt to silence me when they say, "but what's on the other side, you nitwit?" No longer shall I be stumped! For there is an answer; chess grandmasters!
Your screams and cries must be of confusion, but it makes complete sense! Who else could run our coaster-planet better than the smartest people on Earth? Not the Jews, not the Freemasons, those are both idiotic ideas! No, those scheming masters don't spend all day alone practicing chess! It's a front, and I can prove it. Look at this table:
To the untrained sleeping two-eyed, this table simply won't make sense to them. They'll even have the audacity to say that I made the numbers up for flat-earther believers (AKA, the intelligent believers)! Incorrect. I simply used my third eye to read in between the lines, and converted it to a graph...
A near perfect mirror image! I immediately figured out what this means, of course - the GMs come from the REFLECTED Other Side, and have devoted their lives to keeping the balance and running the world. Through their chess-playing abilities, the world is their chessboard, using intuition and easily obtained large sums of money to hold their place as MPs on the SHADOW GOVERNMENT.
You still refuse to believe me, hmm? Just because of that miniscule imbalance near the end? You sweet summer child, it's obviously intentional! Yes, the glorious GMs shook the stats up to throw any wannabe enlightened minds off their trail. Not me, though, I'm the real deal. I saw past their veil and discovered their secrets, and now all of you have too.
Ah, Levy Rozman. What a good, innocent man, making people laugh, lament and learn every day on the Royal Game. Of course, that's just what he WANTS you to think. In reality, he's another power-hungry, conniving scoundrel intent on procuring power. His plot is simple, yet nefarious - take the world for himself and sit on The Iron Throne of Westeros!
Do not mock, dear theorists! You may think I have blurred the line between fantasy and reality, but I have not, for shockingly Westeros and Britain are in fact one and the same! You see, it was not Eddard Stark who was Lord of Winterfell and Hand of The King, but Levy Rozman, the man's twin brother! You can see that over time, people have been slowly but surely figuring out the truth -
The scheming serpent Rozman ruled under the guise of innocent Ned, and only withdrew and swapped places with his counterpart once "Eddard" was to be sent to the dungeons and executed! He used the blackmail of Jon Snow's true identity to make his brother bend to his will and sacrifice himself instead.
He replaced his face to remove all traces of his lineage, and it was almost perfectly done, making him unrecognizable from his previous incarnation, but with the caveat of not even looking that human-looking...
After the death of Winterfell's Lord, he disappeared into the shadows and travelled to America, where he has been gaining a mass following that he will one day lead in a rebellion to reclaim his unrightful throne! Theorists, you must all unfollow him on every platform to save this world and the SHADOW GOVERNMENT from being run by a madman worse then Aerys Targaryen!
Chess.com, such a wonderful site. A place where everyone from the pinnacle of chess ability to not even knowing the rules can pay the Royal Game. However, that's just what they want you to think! In reality, this perverse platform simply funds confidential drug cartels in the region of Scandinavia and controls the medical market behind the scenes of the World Stage!
O loyal theorists, I have proof! You see, the drug market is a large one indeed, and a leading seller is Docosahexaenoic Acid, an omega-3 fatty acid more commonly known as DHA, having sold over $4 billion dollars worth in 2024 alone -
This so-called "wonder acid" supposedly develops the brain, heart health, and nerve function. Of course, those are all just well-manufactured and well-spread lies. In truth, this fish oil is completely bogus, and mass-sold by none other than Chess.com! Yes, the Scandinavian scallywags buy fishing docks with their money from their websites paid services, take the fish oil, then sell it at high prices to shadowy figures on the medical Dark Web.
This scheme has remained a well-kept secret since the creation of Chess.com, but in recent days, desperation caught up to them! Take a look at the comparison of searches for Chess.com and DHA in the past 90 days:
But wait, there's more! For DHA is not just the acronym of the antagonistic acid, but also for multiple so-called "health companies", such as the derelict and disgraceful UAE Dubai Health Authority, the duplicitous and dirty American Defence Health Agency, and the disgusting and damnable Australian Department of Health and Aging.
All of these calumnious, capricious and callous companies constantly corrupt and contaminate the trade industry and have been since Chess.com's creation. In exchange for spreading their demonic drug that in fact serves zero purpose, they set up placeholder and throwaway accounts on Chess.com with premium accounts, and unclean money goes into the wallets of all the perpetrators.
My precious sheeple- I mean, theorists, we must wake up to the fact that we are being bamboozled by these corrupt corporations. There is only one way to put an end to this tragedy - and it is remarkably easy. We must leave the horrific hellhole that we call Chess.com for good, and instead to emigrate to the online utopia called Lichess!
We must leave behind the capitalist freemium service and instead welcome the loving embrace of socialism! Free yourselves from the shackles of an golden Hell and take the laurel crown of a pure white Heaven! Glory to Lichess! Glory to equality! GLORY TO COMMUNI-
On September 25th, the long-awaited sequel to hit indie game Hades will arrive, focusing on the witchcraft of the moon goddess Selene. But what if I told you that this is all just an elaborate plan to plunge our planate planet into a cold eternal night?! Yes, adored theorists, it's all a coven conspiracy, a magick machination! Some certain individuals are planning to bring Selene out of the game and turn our world into endless midnight!
You see, I have (as you know I so often do) found a pattern where nobody is looking. The days of the monthly new moons this past year since February - they match up almost perfectly with the ending days of a few prestigious chess tournaments! Take a look for yourself:
"Aha!", some nerdier theorists may say, "You have made a rare mistake! The Stepan Avagyan Memorial tournament BEGAN on May 28th, not ended! You are wrong, Ronen!" Oh, you sweet summer children. There is a reason for everything, and this is no exception. For in fact, Selene will be reincarnated in the body of Stepan Avagyan! The ritual taking place there, unlike every other new moon ritual to continue the spell, was simply to find a host for their goddess.
"Oh, please, Ronen, at least tell us who the practitioners are!" I hear your cries, and it's a simple answer; women! Yes, those strange, unknowable creatures who are well-known to all be witches. Each tournament listed had at least one woman in it - some were expressly for the walking, talking enigmas, while others had mostly men, but there was always a female slithering in like a differently-developed snake.
Cherished theorists, it doesn't end there. The new moon this month will happen on the 23rd, just 2 days before the release of Hades 2 and therefore the ritual finally being complete! There is only one way to end this before our world falls into the grasp of Selene and her followers - revolution! We shall capture the witches coven, march on Supergiant Games and stop the catalyst from reacting.
And if all else fails, we shall dig up Stepan Avagyan's body and burn it - the heat of Hyperion the sun shall prevent the cold embrace of Selene from entering the corpse. Prepare theorists - the fate of the world is at stake. And we must save it, because we are the chosen...
CONCLUSION
I was influenced to make this blog when the great Vanessa "Bristow" Holmes, AKA @VOB96, released her findings on the secrets of this world. They were a little tame, but I'd assume still shocking to those who had been sleeping.
People will always call us bad things, darling theorists. Insane, senseless, of extremely unsound mind. But you will push through it and get over it. Because you know correlation equals causation. You know the moon landing is fake. You know the Illuminati is trying to plot your death - I mean, disappearance, as you read this.
There will always be haters and non-believers. For now, when they berate you, just smile and nod, because in reality, they're just pitifully misinformed.
That's all the SHADOW GOVERNMENT will tolerate me writing for now. Remember - The GMs run the world, jet fuel cannot melt steel beams, and they are watching.
See you on the flip side of the earth!
