My Mental Health

actually this is not gonna be a normal me it's gonna be my ruined life 

from the day I joined cc I tried to be nice and happy and friendly and just yk, make good friends. I am a people pleaser. Ever wonder why my requests for graphic design and photo editing is open? it's cuz I want to help y'all. I dislike it when I do something that people dislike. my irl isn't the best thing, so I came to social for comfort and joy.

the thing is, it ain't that happy anymore. I'm actually crying as I type <3 I want y'all to take a moment and be in my shoes and understand my perspective.

my mental health is really, not that good. some of you may know, I have trichotillomania, meaning I pull my hair out due to stress and nerves. it's so bad I have a bald spot. 

many of you constantly compliment me saying I have the perfect life, great grades, talented, etc. no, it isn't true. my family constantly gets into arguements, and people get hurt. I once broke my lip fighting over a dang television and it took a month to recover, and not only did my parents not care much, my brother didn't apologize. my grades aren't the best. I don't always get straight As, I sleep during class even if I sleep 12 hours. i actually think I failed my maths test this term ngl, couldn't even finish the whole paper. I am not talented. this is just hard work. This is just me, trying my best, to make myself known so that my parents will be proud of me. 

so then I become the "nice" kid in the eyes of some of you. I am not. I have mental health issues. I am judgemental. I am sensitive. I have very differing opinions. I. Am. Suicidal.

one thing that is true is that I am fine speaking up. I am fine telling people they did certain things wrong. And so I brought that with me to chess.com. what I didn't expect was that some people would attack me for it. Look, I have differing opinions. My upbringing isn't the same as all. I was taught different stuff, like if someone tries to bully you, kick their balls, THEN tell the teacher. yes, it sounds bad. but it works. but I try to establish myself over morals and values, being respectful. So in the club cvc, I speak up. I bring up allllll the issues I have with the club. I wasn't expecting people to fix everything, maybe just read it and spread awareness. But what really happend was the thing spiralled into a argument about me. Most of the time, my opinions are opinions of others which are afraid to speak up. There are a few here and there who are different, but that's fine. I wasn't expecting people to start saying "people should stop glazing dove" or like "you're to temperamental" when I was talking about issues about STAFF.

Look, I have my share of haters. I keep it IN. people don't glaze me, they just compliment. Me trying to use "point explanation example elaboration link" which is taught in school (@rose lol) isn't being temperamental. It's just elaboration of my opinion. But obviously, people think otherwise. So they start saying that me doing that is temperamental. And it spirals into me losing control of my emotions because let's be real, I am sensitive. I know some of y'all dislike me, but that doesn't mean y'all can start attacking me time and again. My rants are reasonable. There are people agreeing with me willingly, even admins. You can't just start saying everything is me and start making the thread about me. I didn't start the protest, I just stated opinions cuz now I have the reputation of helping some people speak up. 

Now then I don't think I should get all the "hate". I am suicidal. Okay? This doesn't excuse me of anything but I think y'all should tone down on attacking me. Y'all deny it, but in the eyes of others, it is bullying. I agree, sometimes I am in the wrong. Why can't y'all also accept the fact that y'all are wrong sometimes too? It absolutely ticks me off when I have to constantly repeat my points, defend the opinions of others and get the hate instead. And then y'all say I'm insulting. 

Y'all go on and say "dove rant incoming" that hurts my feelings, that everything I do knows is a rant to y'all. How would you feel if I started going on and being like (just an example not necessarily true) "rage being immature and saying peepoo when it's dumb happening in 3 seconds" "vanilla being freaky to chill the thread". It's not funny, y'all are using your negative judgement against me to counter me. It's like pot calling kettle black, if I said that I'd probably get attacked. But when people say that (this is really targeted), people support them? Can't y'all stop and think for a moment how I would feel.

I know I'm in the wrong sometimes, I'm tryna change that and see in your perspective. But yall have to see in mine too. I do recognize bogh strengths and flaws, if I point out a flaw I really, really, try to at least compliment you to not make it sound bad. 

I am suicidal. I have brought this up to my closest friends. I could list my suicidal thoughts if you want. I just don't want to get all this hate.

And I know some of y'all might say this is life just deal with it, but I'm sensitive, I can't. I break under pressure, under stress, if I can't control myself I start going insane. I know other people have a life and thsi might sound like a sob story, but really, it's just my life. Y'all are not helping in making cc fun by insulting me

This is unedited if it sounds like it doesn't relate to another point sorry I'm not wasting my time checking.

also thank you to my friends for all the support and have stayed by my side even when I would crash out and break down every minute