How to Cheat...at Chess

A primer on the history (from the Stone Age) and future (think Neuromancer by William Gibson) of cheating in chess...well, mostly the past as I am not a Delphic Oracle. This discussion is based on lore, conjecture and mild imagination. No advice is offered on how to handle relations with your significant other(s), officers of the law, or elected officials. Any purported, supposed or unintentional actual references to current situations in the chess world are deemed by this author to be mere expressions of the reader's personal opinions.

In days of yore (did he misspell "your"? No...it's just weird English), when chess players were bold and buildings weren't invented, real men (and women) played with small stones on boards scratched in the dirt, drank rank beer (that means it tasted like warm, bodily fluids, not that microbreweries make better libations than the major distributors...though that is true), and only had to flee the occasional dinosaur (if you believe certain sects who insist the Earth is less than 10,000 years old, so therefore humankind must have coexisted with the great reptiles...the chronicles of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble are actually considered a documentary in certain households where TV is considered a deity...a mockumentary in other households). In those days, obvious cheaters were clubbed (with large wooden sticks, not with chess clubs which are self-absorbed organizations of similarly minded individuals who would generally be difficult to corral into violent actions) unceremoniously over the head and fed to the aforementioned raptors, sabre tooth tigers or even giant insects or Godzilla (as depicted in numerous documentary films regarding the perils of man's efforts to harness the atom).

Cheaters realized that they exercised their brand of creativity at their own peril and became more subtle in their cheating methods. Soon there were even articles written on the subject offering advice such as:

1. Ensure the sunlight is shining in your opponent's eyes.
2. Distract your opponent by yelling "Roc!" and gesturing wildly at the sky in wide-eyed terror, then rearranging the pieces when they look away. When playing Neanderthals some brave souls have attempted to shout "Rock!" and gesture wildly at the ground in wide-eyed terror, but this technique never gained much traction. One famous tournament, in the late 19th or early 20th century, was supposedly the scene of a player who broke the board over the head of his opponent upon completion of the game...but such a tactic was clearly recognizable as poor sportsmanship, since the individual had lost, violating the cheater's mantra, "Winning is everything"...wait, wasn't that the ethic of a certain coach of an American football team in the 21st century? In at least one case in the 1970s a player had lost his a1 Rook early in the game in a blitz chess tournament, but then used the h1 Rook on the board next to him to castle Queenside, securing a nice victory before his canny move was discovered. Don't forget, a score card signed is a score card consigned to history. As an aside, if you pull off this more sophisticated attempt at chicanery your success will garner entry into the Cheater's Hall of Fame. [Picture of "Roc beats elephant, let alone scissors" from wikipedia.com.]
3. Drop a mickey in your opponent's drink (generally not to be confused with the mouse of the same trademarked name, but a real mouse could also serve as a distraction. Note that only Steamhouse Willy is no longer protected by copyright.) 
4. Have a very attractive person(s) of the appropriate gender lounge nearby in revealing clothing...be forewarned that this can be as distracting for the cheater as the cheated, so one should immerse oneself in environments where you become numb to the attractiveness of those who attract you...be post-warned that while the immersion could prove initially blissful, the subsequent deadening of interest could lead to other problems.
5. Smoke an obnoxious cigar...or in some cases merely leave a battered, chewed up stogie hanging from your lip. In the western world, a cup or empty soda used as a receptacle for the output of chewing tobacco can cause similar distress for the faint hearted...however, more than one chewer has inadvertently swallowed from the wrong cup/soda can, and then the cheating tactic backfires...hopefully not too rapidly and viscerally in a public location...though a professional cheater would definitely and defiantly use their own personal distress to their advantage.
6. Demand that your opponent play on your home turf.

Eventually the majority caught onto these tricks and certain countermeasures were implemented.

1. The top players now play in well-lit, glass cages, with pressurized air keeping all contaminants out of the room, separated from contact with mere mortals in soundproofed rooms where nobody can hear you scream. OK, that hasn't quite happened yet, but we can all blame Bobbie Fischer for starting the trend that will lead to all of us playing tournaments in cubicles, surrounded by monitoring equipment to ensure that every player is in a personalized environment most suitable to their comfort--except there won't be a choice about the cubicle.
2. In the modern era, we are all so engaged on a day-to-day basis with our social networks, mobile devices, gaming choices, thousands of television shows per hour and other electronic wonders, that it is difficult to imagine distracting someone...though perhaps a large enough rock would still work if you could get it past the backpack marshals. On the other hand, forensics has advanced considerably, and you are likely to leave genetic evidence on the rock if you are forced to do more than threaten your opponent. Additionally, moves are tracked too well now and moving pieces just doesn't serve the purpose it used to...it also helped that all rocks looked alike, particularly with the sun in your eyes.
3. There are laws now against taking advantage of someone by spiking their drink. Furry little mice can, however, still serve as a distraction...see Willard, another famous mockumentary of the human-rodent condition (to wit, r u a man, or do you use a mouse--wait, aren't computers illegal--just call me foncused <a good spell checker would realize I meant confused>).
4. The distraction of attractive (or presumably unattractive) people still works and still appears to be legal. It is only a matter of time before the Death Matches on chess.com add a "distraction" between each game who carries a large card around the chess board for the entranced audience, announcing that we are now entering ..., Round 8, Round 9, Round 10, ... maybe there is something to be said for this idea in the long run...
5. If you should face a smoker (generally found only in outside venues) or chewer in these modern times, I advocate displaying a preserved lung specimen of someone who had lung cancer. Since this is just a good demonstration of science it seems clear to me that such a response is not cheating in kind, but merely a measured concern for the health and well-being of your (no doubt unworthy) opponent.
6. Have FIDE demand that your opponent play on your home turf...wait, is that politically incorrect?

What does the future promise? Chip implants made of undetectable materials. Though one could envision ingesting a bag of chips that will pass through your system so as to remain undetectable by the conclusion of the game. This might require some expertise at time management as one would not wish to suffer from gastric distress at an untimely juncture. Nor finish a game too soon, well before the chips have been fully digested and... processed. We will not offer a conjecture as to whether there would be a process for recapturing such chips. What one chooses to do with their food after it has been "processed" will hopefully remain a private matter.

Disclaimer
Please note that no animals were harmed in the creation of this blog. Further note that the pachyderm being carried off by the large, mythological bird is in no way a reference to a certain political party in the United States of America (de los Estados Unidos de Norte America). Further note that elephants really are not scared of mice...I mention this only because I mentioned both animals in nearly the same paragraph and would be aghast should someone jump from conclusions that I have political opinions. Instead, this is merely a politically correct reminder that once upon a time Rooks were called Elephants.