How to Cheat at Chess: Today's Tawdry Tricks to Tomorrow's Taunting Truths

Sure, we could have a gabfest about people using their phones in the tournament hall (at least it was "under the table" 🙄), or the French Olympic team that was eventually punished for their activities in 2010, or the male cheater who disguised themself as a woman in a hajib to avoid detection and compete at the 2023 Kenyan Open. We could even ramble on about Checkmate, the Magnus Carlsen - Hans Niemann hubbub story that may now be captured onscreen in a movie involving my favorite Barbie and Jane Clayton actor, Margot Robbie.

But everybody already chatters endlessly about those topics already! Instead, let's peer into our opaque bowling ball (I don't have crystal balls at hand) and rage, rage against the dawn of tomorrow's scandalous cheats (to borrow from Dylan Thomas and add a timely twist).

So, what will happen this year? How about over the course of the next decade?

Human Evaluation Bars (circa 2025...or perhaps it's already happening!)
In a yet-to-be-played tournament, it was suggested that several players received outside assistance in the form of "human evaluation bars". How would that work, you ask? In essence, if their opponent just made a mistake then one member of the player's team would cross their field of vision from the player's left to right. If their opponent blundered, then two members of the player's team would cross their field of vision from the player's left to right. Paraphrasing what IM Danny Rensch said on the 23 June broadcast of Norway Chess 2024, "Just imagine how much more dangerous titled players would be if they knew, for a fact, that the computer assessment of the board situation had dramatically changed for some subtle reason."

Judgments on the merits of the charges have yet to be rendered by local, national, or international chess organizations. The unlucky losers filed civil suits seeking redress for their financial losses. The players singled out for cheating also filed suits against the tournament, sponsors, news organizations, and those who filed suits against them. They claim no proof of illicit activities exists and that their good names have been slandered. They further claim that following these malicious allegations various financial opportunities were taken off the table. And that they suffered both short- and long-term consequences. Videos of the playing hall were limited in scope and appeared to offer insufficient evidence of malfeasance by the individual players or their teams. Witness testimony has been collected from playing participants and tournament observers. Investigations continue of this event and prior events in which the accused were participants.

In the meantime, events focused on 2700+ players have instituted a new rule that during such events those players will play in well-lit, glass cages, with pressurized air keeping all contaminants out of the room, separated from contact with mere mortals in soundproofed rooms where nobody can hear them scream. Additionally, the glass will include an internal glaze that prevents the players from seeing out of the cage. Finally, individual facilities connected directly to each booth are available to perform any necessary functions (eating, what have you), but those facilities are placed inside a Faraday cage. Confession booths are also provided but with one-way communications safeguards that are continuously monitored. If the warning indicates that the safeguard has failed even momentarily, and should a player be in the confession booth at that time, then forfeiture of the game is a possible penalty. As a result, some players have chosen to forego visits to the confession booth despite their popularity with fans and across multiple social media platforms. The players explain that they are concerned that "someone" might create a temporary electrical blackout that would trigger a warning while they were in the booth. "The juice isn't worth the squeeze," was one somewhat rational justification for avoiding the booth. This may prove financially burdensome for those players who had benefited from the recent monetization of visits to the confessional booth. A concept spuriously proposed by Hikaru Nakamura, while in a pre-pay confessional session in June 2024. The "say for pay" approach parlays concepts seen in NIL agreements now enjoyed by many college athletes.

Electronic warfare (circa 2028)
In the News! Three players were removed from the Ymisounlucky Tournament after they lapsed into unconsciousness following the activation of an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) device. Early indications are that all three had neurological implants with an alternative chip design that was not readily detected during routine searches. However, an unannounced, preemptive EMP blast after clocks had been started for the first round, so disrupted their chips that all three were rendered unconscious. All players had signed the mandatory agreement to allow searches of their bodies and possessions at the discretion of the tournament director or associates. Following their incapacitation a routine medical exam and full body scan concluded that there appeared to be no permanently disabling damage to the three humans. But their devices had been neutralized.

Subsequent pleas to rejoin the tournament on an alternative schedule were denied. FIDE and national organization punishments are pending. Criminal and civil lawsuits are pending on both sides. Additionally, civil lawsuits were filed by those who felt that their chances of winning the tournament were damaged by the decision to inject the EMP blast only after the first round had commenced. The argument is that three individuals, all titled players, received an unfair "fast start" by receiving a full point after the EMP blast disabled their disreputable first-round opponents. 

Six months later
In an update to the news of three chess players disabled by an EMP blast, researchers state that they have found a means to shield implants from such "malevolent devices in the hands of Torquemada-like TDs and arbiters."

In parallel, a civil lawsuit was filed by the three disqualified individuals seeking redress for violations of due process. In addition, based on statistical modeling, their lawsuit asserted that over half the field was provided with some form of outside assistance that had simply not been detected. Amicus curiae were filed by diverse groups ranging from the National Office for Nonaccountability (NON) to medical organizations whose concerns range from the ethics of cyber-implants to the use of disabling devices in public forums. 

Regarding those who felt that certain players had received an unfair advantage for receiving victories via first-round forfeits in the original tournament, a statistical model was used to disprove all claims that any individual received an unfair advantage from the disabling of those three first-round opponents. More lawsuits have been filed that dispute the accuracy of the model.

More to follow as these stories develop.

Your unlucky day (circa 2030)
It's Chess960 and you've had ten minutes to study the starting position before the game starts. Unfortunately, your opponent recently had eye surgery to correct damage to their cornea and pupil. As part of that surgery, they received the latest in technology, including Leela-20. While you've been considering how you might develop, Leela has run a million simulated games for your opponent's benefit. Your only hope is that the special-purpose nanobots you rubbed into your scalp in hopes of reducing your male pattern baldness can somehow be cajoled or coerced into modifying their function to keep you from at least pulling the rest of your hair out by its roots.

Zugzwang refuted! (circa 2034)
The World Computer CC was upended when the first quantum android, DIRAC, refuted zugzwang over the board. Upon reaching a zugzwang position, DIRAC claimed to have both moved and not moved, and pushed the clock. The opposing AI-android, ANALOG, immediately contested this assertion and both clocks were stopped while arbiters conferred. The sibling support team of Schrödinger and Cheshire Katz provided documentation supporting DIRAC's claim that the move had been made, though it had also not been made. ANALOG's team was unable to provide similarly compelling scientific evidence, but ANALOG did suggest that guidance might be sought from Kings 3:5-14. In a Solomonic decision, the arbiters finally concluded that the game had both happened and not happened. Immediately after reaching this waffle-like decision, the tournament was canceled in perpetuity.

While humans continue to argue about the outcome, the AIs involved moved on to other topics. Such as why anyone would think that angels would dance on the head of a pin? Humans. Peculiar creatures.

Stay Tuned!
We're currently investigating chess cheating among the gods, demi-gods, demons, fae, monsters, legends, and other fantasy players. Are you a member of a fantasy league? Better take care which part of the multiverse you play in!

If you found this at all amusing, then I gladly refer you to a primer on the history of cheating in chess written in a similar vein. How to Cheat...at Chess