If Santa Was A Chess Player
Dec 23, 2021
“Come on Klaus - get into bed!” Mrs. Claus called her husband. “You’ve got to pull an all-nighter tomorrow!”
“What? It’s been 364 days already?”
“You bet it has! Please don’t disappoint the children this year!”
“Ok, just a few more moves … I mean minutes. I’m finishing up all my simultaneous chess games against the elves. Some of them are really good, ho-ho-ho!”
Two hours later.
“Come on Klaus - you better get some sleep!” yelled Mrs. Claus.
“Hold on! I need to wrap the presents. Let’s see, what have I got this year? Oh yeah, easy! Everyone is getting a chess set!”
“What? You can’t do that! Remember last time you did it in 1886, following the first ever World Chess Championship? Our mailbox overflowed with complaint letters from parents all over the world! I’m still trying to get through some of them today! Oh, here, take a look at this one.” Mrs. Claus picked up a 100-year-old looking envelope and tore it open. She read:
Dear Santa,
How dare you to gift me a chess set for Christmas, when all I wanted was a wooden horsey? You are a naughty old man!”
Anna, 7 years-old.
“Ho-ho, well now, I granted her wish fourfold. That girl got 4 horseys in that chess set! Spoiled child,” replied Santa, in frustration.
“Four half horseys, honey. How was the poor girl supposed to play with just a horse’s head and a torso alone?”
“You’ve been watching the World Championship too much dear,” said Mrs. Claus, rolling her eyes. “Anyway, be careful. That Anne, may-her-soul-rest-in-peace, has great-great-great-great-grand children now. And that chess story was passed on from generation to generation, staining your reputation to this day! And if you do that to her descendants, I think you will lose your job!”
“To who?”
“Hm, good point. Anyway …” said Mrs. Claus.
“Ok, but it’s not just the chess sets that I’m gifting this year, ho-ho. It’s also the checkered PJ’s, socks, and hats! And plush pawns and bishops. Ho-ho and chocolate queens and kings, and squeeze-me rooks …”
“You’ve gone mad, my dear! Not every child wants chess for Christmas! Kids just want to be kids. They want real toys,” said Mrs. Claus.
“Oh yeah? Let’s see about that. Alekhine, Benko, Bogo, Catalan, Caro and Kann, Evans, Grunfield, Nimzo, Philidor, Pirc, Reti, Slav, Torre, Vienna, Wade – come here at once!” called Santa to all the elves whose names he could remember.
“I still can’t believe you named your elves after chess openings! Thank goodness the Reindeer were spared!” Mrs. Claus said shaking her head. But she was wrong on one. Santa did secretly name one reindeer after his favourite ways of playing chess – the blitz. Blitzen was his beloved reindeer but he tricked everyone into thinking it was Rudolf. Check-Check-Check!
“My dear elves, what do kids want for Christmas?” Santa asked his crew.
“CHESS SETS!” they all shouted in unison.
“And what else?”
“MORE CHESS SETS!” they shouted again and went on to sing their favourite song:
On the first day of Christmas
My Santa gave to me
A chess set carved from a tree.
On the second day of Christmas
My Santa gave to me
Two checkered gloves
And a chess set carved from a tree.
On the third day of Christmas
My Santa gave to me
Three French Defense books,
Two checkered gloves
And a chess set carved from a tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas
My Santa gave to me
Four lessons on Pirc,
Three French Defense books,
Two checkered gloves
And a chess set carved from a tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas
My Santa gave to me
Five golden chess kings,
Four lessons on Pirc,
Three French Defense books,
Two checkered gloves
And a chess set carved from a tree.
“That’s enough!” shouted poor Mrs. Claus. The elves stopped singing at once and stared blankly at her. “Ok fine! If you want to transform the world, then let them play chess! But remember: whatever you do with presents this year – do not, I repeat, DO NOT, give another chess set to the kids of that naughty Mom-On-A-Break! Do you understand?”
“Well now, ho-ho, why is that?” asked Santa unconvinced.
“That woman is already drowning in chess sets. And if she gets one more, I’m afraid she will explode! She will come after us all the way to the North Pole. Nothing will stop her, not even the blizzard!”
“Hold on dear. She might have tons of chess sets from all the Christmases she has had, but I can assure you, she does NOT have a Paw Patrol chess set yet!” Santa said in excitement.
The elves instantly picked up on the conversation and began singing:
Chess Patrol, Chess Patrol,
We’ll be there on the double
Whenever kids stop learning chess
They will be in big trouble!
Santa and his team of elves
Will come and save the day
[Whip whip here and a whip whip there
Will teach them to behave!]
No kid’s too big,
No elf’s too small,
Chess Patrol, we’re on a roll!
So here we go: Wo-o-o-ooo
Chess Patrol,
Oh, here we go …
“Quiet elves please!” Mrs. Clause interrupted once again. “Klaus! Have you not read MomOnABreak blogs? I am warning you!”
“Ho-ho. It’s that serious, eh? No, I have not. As a matter of fact, I was tooooo busy watching the World Championship as you've noted. Let me tell you a bit more about it …”
“Oh fiddlesticks!” Mrs. Claus was starting to be beside herself. “Klaus, that’s ALL you’ve been talking about for a month now, even in your sleep! You know, you used to snore like a human being. Now, I wake up to “CarrrrRRRrrrlsen. Or, “Neppppoo” …
“Ho-ho. Alright, alright. I get a little carried away sometimes …”
“Go to bed and have a good rest dear,” Mrs. Clause uttered in exhaustion. “Oh, and just remember, when you’re going down the chimney, it’s not ‘check-check-check’; it’s ‘ho-ho-ho’!”
“Will do my best. Merry Chess-mas, dear!”
