The Art of Piss & Chess
NOTE: Update (4:28AM UTC 3/15/2025) - I got the thumbnail finally working after about 45 minutes of learning that my stupid editing software and chess.com are incompatible, finally resulting in me probably downloading a virus but whatever. If the judges don't count the thumbnail it's whatever...
The Bathroom. Chess. What do these two things share in common? I’ll wait… Oh, wait, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Oh, ok, maybe something. When I was tasked with creating a blog on ‘How to take a piss’, I didn’t expect the insane rabbit hole. After journeying down the darkest depths of Google Chrome, I arrived at this conclusion. Chess and pissing, two seemingly unrelated things, might actually be more connected than one could ever imagine. From strategical psychological warfare, to infamous chess players salty at their opponents, all the way to how you can utilize pissing in your chess career, this is The Art of Piss & Chess!
Table of Contents
- The History of Pissing
- Stress & Piss
- The Bathroom Break
- The 'Incidents'
- The World of Piss & Chess Today
The History of Pissing
Pissing, as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary is "the act of urinating," and has long been associated with vulgarity and as such used in a negative way. However, the history of the word goes back much farther and is derived from a rather non-sexual nature, much unlike what it has become today. 'To piss' derives from the Latin verb pissiare, whilst also being associated with the French word pissier (NewsRepublic).
Taken from the oddly named book, "Wife of Bath's Tale"
In fact, pissing has been found in a number of English texts. For one, in Chaucer's book, "The Wife of Bath's Tale," Chaucer describes Socrete's wife pouring a chamber pot of mysterious liquid on his head, describing it as "Xantippa caste pisse vpon his heed." However, despite its rich historical context, the origins of its use in slang and now its role today are far less clear.
Nevertheless, the word is said to have originated in 1945 servicemen slang, which at the time phrases such as "piss proud" and "take the piss out of" were likely used. Now enough about history! What is pissing? Well, it is the process of releasing extra fluids from the body. For many of us, "taking a piss" serves as a way to relieve ourselves, as shown in the diagram below.
The 5 different stages of the pissing process
After finally relieving ourselves we feel a sense of relaxation which leads to the next part of this masterpiece. Stress & Piss!
Stress & Piss
I need to use the bathroommmmmm ahh image
Imagine this. You're in a chess game, and it's your first match! Determination to win and take home the victory floods your mind as you enter the fight or flight mode. The clock begins to click as your opponent sighs and waits impatiently for your move. The click-clack of the clock followed by the sounds of moving chess pieces only adds to your stress!
Then comes @AlbertThePirate with his advice. In fact, he told you that "if you have to play back-to-back games, bring a whole fire truck and gulp down the water like you will never drink water again". Wait, suddenly you remember all those water bottles you threw down your throat this morning for fear of getting dehydrated during the game. And then a sweet melody fills your ears, nature calling. Suddenly, you rush to the bathroom, desperate to rid yourself of this misery. This is what we call the ‘Stress & Piss’ situation.
As the stakes grow more dire, the more stressed you become and as a result your body feels the need to release it’s burdens in the bathroom. In fact this is a very much real phenomenon that is studied by the world of medicine. So what exactly occurs when you enter this heightened state of needing to go to the bathroom?
Image showing the stress levels that overcome one when their bladder is full!
While it's a far more complicated process, essentially during moments of stress or even fear, the body activates it’s “sympathetic nervous system, which leads to the release of stress hormones such as adrenaline and noradrenaline. These hormones stimulate various physiological changes aimed at preparing the body for action, including increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and decreased urine production (WeAreJude)”.
And yes, while there are many ways to attempt to mitigate the eventual fate awaiting you in the bathroom, nothing truly beats a good ol’ bathroom break! But what if I told you that you could use this bathroom break, for more then just a way to relieve yourself?!
The Bathroom Break
The Infamous Bathroom Break (Insert Dramatic Sound Effects)! Those of us who have had the oh-so wonderful opportunity of sitting in a class with a boring teacher in an easy class know the wonderful glory a bathroom break provides! Having the mere chance to see your friends in the hallways as you roam for hours and hours under the false guise of taking a ‘5-minute bathroom break’. Don’t lie to yourself, I know you have… Right? Just me?
Oh well, but, what if I told you that you could utilize this for your chess matches. Imagine if I told you of a secret way that you could beat any chess player with! (Don’t tell anyone this, but I’ve even heard some professional chess players use this as well)! The infamous, bathroom break in a middle of a game.
A peculiar contraption a member on reddit came up with to solve the issue of chess & bathrooms!
Quickly running to the bathroom, you pull a secret contraption in the toilet seat. Out comes your phone where your friend has secretly been updating your game against your opponent, analyzing for the best moves possible. Quickly you memorize the best moves, and before you know it, you're back at your game, absolutely crushing your unsuspecting opponent.
Pro-tip: time these breaks, to truly utilize maximum efficiency. But it doesn’t simply have to be limited to devious tactics of cheating! You can even the art of pissing on your chess opponent. In fact, let’s turn back to the well-experienced @AlbertThePirate who claims that his method will guarantee you victory and is very much tested and proven.
So what you have to do here is (tested and proven). Always bring an empty water bottle. When the time comes to twinkle twinkle your little star, you pretend to drop that water bottle and fulfill nature's calling. And to guarantee a win, if you are in an IRL tournament, you go and get a drink and come back with the same bottle of a little that liquid golden honey and give to your opponent and say it's apple juice. I have done this so many times and won every game.
- AlbertThePirate
Don’t believe me? Well let’s take a look at some historical examples of chess players utilizing the art of ‘bathroom breaks’ and ‘pissing’.
The Incidents
Former Top 100 player, Igors Rausis caught lacking in the school bathrooms?! (Telegraph)
Chess Cheating occurs all the time but utilizing the bathroom is always a sad tactic to be seen especially in the cases of grandmaster. For one, let’s take the example of, Latvian-Czech player Igors Rausis who back in 2019 was caught following his meteoric rise to fame in chess cheating on his phone in a bathroom. So why is the bathroom used so often for cheating?
Well in most cases, at most chess venues bathrooms lack cameras for privacy, allowing players to utilize the bathrooms for cheating without seemingly ever getting caught. While details are not quite clear in the case of Rausis as to why the venue contained cameras inside the bathroom, he was ultimately caught and lost his privileges as a Grandmaster (NY Post).
Quite, more famously, is the 2006 World Championship accusations Veselin Topalov casted upon Vladimir Kramnik.
Letter from Topalov to the Appeals Committee regarding his suspicions.
Famously his letter would discuss the odd behavior of Kramnik in particular the odd amount of bathroom breaks, and whilst no further valid evidence was provided against Kramnik, its case did lead to the increase suspicion of cheating using the ‘bathroom method’ for many famous players. Whilst relieving yourself in the bathroom to avoid ‘pissing yourself’ is a favorable tactic, always remember to use it carefully, effectively and efficiently in order to ensure you don’t fall victim to suspicion!
The World of Piss & Chess Today
The infamous PRO Chess League match between the Armenia Eagles & Saint-Louis ARCH Bishops!
Finally, we have the world of piss & chess today! Quite a journey we’ve been on. Now, it’s time to shift over to a variety of weird correlations between the need to relieve ourselves & chess stories that I found across the dark depths of the Internet & Chrome Browser. Most famous of all is the “pipi-pampers” situations back in 2020 with the PRO Chess League cheating scandal between Tigran Petrosian and Wesley So. Most famous arguably coming from this ever-so popular quote.
Are you kidding ??? What the **** are you talking about man ? You are a biggest looser i ever seen in my life ! You was doing PIPI in your pampers when i was beating players much more stronger then you! You are not proffesional, because proffesionals knew how to lose and congratulate opponents, you are like a girl crying after i beat you! Be brave, be honest to yourself and stop this trush talkings!!! Everybody know that i am very good blitz player, i can win anyone in the world in single game! And "w"esley "s"o is nobody for me, just a player who are crying every single time when loosing, ( remember what you say about Firouzja ) !!! Stop playing with my name, i deserve to have a good name during whole my chess carrier, I am Officially inviting you to OTB blitz match with the Prize fund! Both of us will invest 5000$ and winner takes it all!
- Tigran Petrosian
How may you ask does this relate to the art of piss & chess? Well, ‘PIPI in your pampers’ has a far deeper meaning, as it is often connotated with pissing and is used as a disrespectful term to demoralize your opponents. Petrosian’s psychological warfare by creating the illusion of Wesley So as a “baby crying about his loss” through his usage of vulgar language helped him destabilize his opponent despite the many clear allegations.
Ultimately, Petrosian's tactics did not quite succeed, but he will forever be remembered as the one who made an absolute fool of himself online. Another story comes from an online forum for seniors… Where I quote a user said, “My elderly husband pees on his self only while playing online chess on his phone, what is that?”
Truly the art of piss and chess knows quite literally no bounds, where age cannot act as a restriction from the joyous feeling of releasing the golden fluids despite the ever so tough grind of chess. Even more diabolically, were the comments on this online forum describing the true grind that this grandpa was experiencing, and further demonstrating the correlation between the art of piss & chess. Finally, to wrap things up, we have the oddest clip I have ever witnessed where Andrea Botez received the nickname ‘Pee Pee Botez’. Take a look for yourself!
Well that’s all I have for you! Thank you for your time, and I hope you enjoyed this blog! This might officially be one of the hardest challenges I has, from a difficult subject or research to the extreme time constraints I placed. Although I doubt this submission will make it far considering its..interesting subject, I hope it fares somewhat decently with the judges! Goodbye and see you next time - @Xhive24
