Why Do We Try So Hard?
I get up to go eat dinner, and every step makes my brain hurt from the vibrations. I've stared at my computer for hours straight, and it's almost all on chess.com. Luckily, food makes me forget about the pain.
But this leaves me wondering. I have two tests tomorrow. I'm going to fail one, and ace the other. Math has always been easy. Science, not so much. I should be studying for that. I should be studying for my AP exam. But I'm not. When I woke up this morning and got ready, I was reading about openings in my spare minutes. I watch videos on openings and I spend all afternoon playing rapid games.
But why? Why am I doing this? I'm not making my life any different from this. I'm just making my head throb and my grades plummet. Guess my future self knows who to thank. I think back to the day we had a sub in my math class (not the same one I have the test in). She asked us to go around and tell her one thing we'd changed or done since she last talked to us.
Around it came to me. I had been thinking, but nothing came to mind. "I started playing chess," I blurted out. But that wasn't true, was it? I learned when I was seven, and played with my family for quite a while afterwards. And over 2 years ago I started back.
But looking back, I didn't lie. I was playing a game of pawns and pieces when I started back. Now I'm playing chess. I don't just grind blitz rating everyday. Back then, I went from 200 to 1000. Now, I'm improving more than just that. I'm playing seriously. I'm playing with a real passion for something other than a high number next to my name.
All this clouded my mind as the sub responded. I'll never forget what she said to me.
Oh, so you'll be the World Champion when you grow up, right?
Our Sub
I, the brat I am, decided to act all cocky and I told her yes. I was famously (not really) the best in the grade by far. But I think she actually expects to see me to become a World Champion. And I've realized that chess isn't my secret little hobby I enjoy by myself. Chess is a game to be shared.
So I ask again, why am I spending so much time playing this game?
I only wish I could find out.
- April 28
"Normal" Introduction
Hey there chessers!
I'm writing on July 31, 4 days after finally breaking through 1600 rapid. Yay me! But honestly... it wasn't how I thought it would be. And looking back, it didn't have to be how it was. Did I meet my goal? Yes! Am I proud of myself? Of course! But do I regret some things? Well, kinda, but kinda not at the same time.
Let's take a look at my growth chart over the last 90 days:
As we can see it took me an alarming 2 and a half months to gain only 100 rating points! Compare that to earlier, and I reached 1500 only 5 months into the year, and I started around 1100!
Does that make 1600 any less impressive? No! But statistically, is it alarming? Yes! But that's not even the worst of it! Take a look at this:
204 games! 204! No wonder I was burning out! I was playing way too many games!
Where am I getting with this? I was setting myself up for failure! This one number made me attack it from the wrong angles over and over again! The game that got me here? Played past 10 pm. Several games were, in fact, when I got over 1590.
I had hunger, and I was eating all of the wrong foods. I knew something was wrong! I knew I shouldn't have been playing past 10. I knew I shouldn't play a third game when I've lost the first 2! But I want to win so badly! I want to reach my goals so badly! Too badly!
So again, here's my question: Why Do We Try So Hard? Why do I so hard?
Table of Contents
Winning vs Losing: How it Affects Us
Well, it all boils down to science, doesn't it?
It's first important to know what a goal truly is, and there are 2 important aspects: a goal requires intervention (you need to do something to achieve it- it doesn't just fall into your lap), and a goal requires some sort of difficulty (it can't just be a cakewalk- sure, getting to class might be a goal, but let's be honest, it's so easy you do it normally).
There are also 4 different kinds of goals.
| High skill, low motivation (driving in a complex downtown area) | High skill, high motivation (driving in a new city) |
| Low skill, low motivation (driving home) | Low skill, high motivation (driving on an open freeway) |
Where on here would chess fit? You might think that chess is high skill, high motivation. After all, it takes a lot of skill to be the best in the world! And of course high motivation- nobody intently wants to play chess without getting into it first, and it's not a necessity at all. People can live a perfectly fine life without even ever hearing or knowing how to play chess!
But what if this is the wrong mindset? What if this belief is possibly slowing your chances at reaching your goals?
Think about it- chess in essence, is just a simple game that requires basically no skill to learn! And it doesn't need too much work put into it for you to get better at it, which is why it's also an ideal game for adult improvers!
I think chess is more of a low skill, high motivation goal. And this brings up my second point: the reward.
Whenever you complete any task, especially goals, usually you either feel relieved (mainly if you didn't enjoy the taste), or happy (if you did enjoy the task/reached your goal). We'll focus on the latter.
Most people believe that the harder the task they complete, the more they feel rewarded! After all, you feel more rewarded when you score a goal compared to when you kick a good pass. The goal takes more skill!
And while this is true, what if I also told you that motivation plays an even bigger role into how rewarded you feel! Back to the soccer analogy: scoring a goal requires more motivation than a pass! Passing the ball is simple- it almost is always a good decision. But there's some risk and possible doubt when you are deciding whether to take a shot- are you really the best shot we have? Should you pass to your teammate instead? It takes more motivation!
And the same can be applied to chess. If you decided to give it no more thought and quit in the middle of a game, you lose. Winning takes more motivation!
One last thing to solidify the point. Let's say you lose. And lose some more. Full tilt is coming. Explain your losses. Explain your losses on the days you've lost over 50 elo, maybe even over 100. Did you lose skill with every loss, making the next game harder? No!
You lost motivation.
Credit for science-y stuff in this part: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5854216/
The Raw Human Factor (the key to achieving!)
Sure science has the pure logic and reasoning, but sometimes, humans are just going to be humans.
Some things are inexplicable. Science can't give us everything- it doesn't explain why some of us stay up past midnight while others wake up at 3 am to give a it a go. Humans have always tried to achieve- but we're all different.
I've always felt that with any goal-getting, whether it has to do with a sport, school, games, maybe even your YouTube channel, there is some sort of raw human factor. The thing that makes no sense. It's hard to explain, but easy to point out. The weird habits, backwards logic, and upside down reasoning.
Yet somehow, this is the key ingredient!!!
Take for example the game that I played to blast through 1600.
Before we even look at the game, we can already identify the "human" aspects of the events that occurred: I was playing past 10 pm, I had no warm up, I hadn't even done my daily puzzles, and I just randomly decided to start a game. These are all illogical! It would make much more sense to head straight at my goals when I was well rested, prepared, and warmed up.
Now we can take a look at the game itself:
But there's one more factor I want to talk about. We've seen how we can do things out of the ordinary. How we can just, somehow, "lock in". If you've never experienced it- my gosh- it's something else. It's a wave that knocks you into a completely different metaverse.
But at the same time- we have this unreasonable habit to just give up.
Sometimes giving up makes sense. You could be doing something bad for you. You could be doing something completely unreasonable. In the chess world, maybe you've been tilting really bad and need to take a break. These are all logical. But what about me?
I haven't played a single game since that one. I was doing just fine. I was riding up. Didn't I "ascend"? Why'd I stop?
To be honest... I have no idea. We lock out as soon as we lock in. It breaks me to say it, but we're inconsistent if anything. Like a rollercoaster more crazy than my rating chart.
Finally takeaways- we're different, but we should embrace it! Because this raw human factor, not only is it what sets us apart (not just from pure logic, but also each other!), but it's really what helps us achieve our goals!
Think about it! If we followed pure logic and reasoning 100% of the time- we would never reach any of our goals? Why? Look back at the definition! Goals have to be difficult. Without failure, achievement is nothing! Goals are set because we want to be better than ourselves! But we should embrace it!
My weird habits- sure they don't follow what I should logically be doing. But it makes me me! And that's how I got to 1600, so what am I to complain about?! This is the last raw human factor- we can do whatever we want because that's who we are!
Don't feel ashamed! You are the key to your own success! Achieving your goals is about the journey- remember? So make it yours!
Winning vs Losing: How it Affects Us
"Well, that's easy," you want to say. "Winning makes us feel better so we play better, and losing makes us feel worse and play worse. Streaks and tilts, right?"
Well... not quite. At least, it's not that simple.
Sure, a win makes you feel amazing (most of the time)! But sometimes, it makes us worried, distracted, or just... nothing at all.
A few months ago, I was struggling with my chess. And I mean really struggling. I tried everything! Everyday, the same thing would happen:
- I would win my first game
- I would be super pumped
- I would lose my second game
- I would lose my third
- Tilt ensued
It made no sense! What was going on? Why was I not carrying the hype and emotion into a win?
Well... while chess is a 2 sided game- with the exception of draws, somebody has to win and somebody has to lose. The world combined has exactly a 50% win rate if you think about it. So why is it so much easier to lose, even if we're high on emotion.
There's 2 answers I could come up with:
- You're distracted. Either you're super pumped and a little overconfident- likely not going through your normal procedure and underestimating your opponent.
- You're actually just a bit nervous- you've realized that now, because you've been winning, you're facing tougher opponents and they're out for blood, which can cause you to over think or not pay 100% attention.
I'm sure how we can all see how these throw us off of our game. But why does this happen to us, when it isn't happening to our friends (BIG SHOUTOUT TO @CHANMAN4 -- they passed me and raced straight through 1600 well before me- congrats on the progress my friend!).
Well, some people just cope with emotions better, first off. It's something you can work on and learn to control, or at least try to use it as fuel a bit better. Secondly, you have to remember that there is a little bit of luck in our game. Maybe they get favourable matchups based on their opening and style. Also, did you ever consider that they're just... better than you?
If you want to be able to get more wins in a row- my tips would be to take it slow. Sure, you might feel like riding the emotional high, but trust me, it's a wobbly throne. You're wins tell you a lot about how to execute your plans, and there are still mistakes in there most of the time. Take this game from me, for example:
This was by far the best game of chess I've ever played! I felt stellar after this game! But this time I was smart: I just sat it out, and analyzed my game so that I could see what benefiting me and continue to learn! It worked, as the next day I cranked out another good preformance:
And again, I waited. After this, my games weren't as good, but honestly, I think to get the most out of your wins, you have to use them in the long-term game.
As for losses: they're just more straightforward. Losses are either going to leave you sad or mad, and both are going to leave you anxious and distracted. I am sometimes able to recover, but it's not worth it.
Especially bad are games you had the advantage and completely blew it- I struggle with this a lot. It's easy to just blow it off as a "simple mistake", but this is not the right mindset! Every plant has a root, so don't go planting even more losses!
Honestly: moral of the story is to not play too much. Burnout is real, guys. There's a reason top players aren't playing very much anymore. It's easier on them, and they can keep their rating and ranking by playing a few big events and then a handful of local tournaments.
I also stress emotion control: the best in the world can steel themselves to make emotions worth nothing- that's how they're able to be so consistent. If anybody knows the secret to controlling your emotions, please, let me know, because this is a huge problem of mine and I really, really, get mad after a loss, and the aftermath is usually not very pretty.
Well, it's my blog, let's talk about me.
Honestly, I haven't always wanted to play. When I first started, I was playing a few games, leaving for a long time, playing some more, leaving... you get the idea. Eventually I realized I have nothing better to do and I started to get very interested- chess can be a very fun game! I climbed up but gave up again- I was still very bad, and I felt lost.
Fast forward, and over time, I'm steadily gaining rating and having the time of my life. Honestly- these are the days I miss. When I was 700-900, I had no cares in the world. I would come home, spam blitz games, hopefully gain some elo, and call it a night. Emotions barely effected me! I was free!
The most important thing about this was that I didn't care if my rating went down- I sucked at chess anyway!
Now, that's not it at all- every since hitting quadruple digits, tilting over 100 elo a day- I've been scared.
Fear isn't a good feeling. But there's something about fear that makes it the most deadly weapon to your chess growth- it makes you want more.
Wait, you're saying that part of the reason that we try hard is because of fear?
Exactly! And if you think about it, it makes perfect sense in all aspects of life! Why do kids try to fit in so much at school? Fear! Why do people try so hard at work- so they don't lose their job? Fear!
If we had no fear, nothing would stop us from kicking back and doing nothing. Remember the aspects of a goal- we need to interfere. But what often makes us want to interfere? Fear.
Fast forward to now, and I've been trying as hard as possible- but only in ways that I want to. I find myself doing less and less chess, and especially less and less things that should benefit me but that I don't find fun or particularly helpful. Which is weird, because shouldn't I be throwing everything I have and the kitchen sink at my learning because of this fear?
Oh, the complexities of these things. You see, some fears are bigger than others, and those correspond with how big our goals are. We also tend to fear things that are a more tangible possibility- I've been focused on 1600, but not so much on 1850. In all honesty, 1850 is a little more unrealistic, but I don't feel any push to reach it. The fear hasn't kicked in yet.
All in all, everybody's story is different, but I think we all experience a relatively similar pattern:
- Learn the game (typically at a very young age)
- Have an immediate attraction to the game
- Lose interest and forget about it for quite a while
- Come back to the game
- Repeat 2-4 a few times
- By now, we'll have a time where we suddenly really get hooked, and now we're chess players
- Struggle, tilt, and probably give up once or twice
- Where we are today
Maybe you fit a little differently, who knows? But this cycle- it isn't coincidental. I think it also has to do with fear, and how it fits into our daily lives.
But the most important part of this is to realize that the reason we do try so hard is because of fear.
Well, I guess it's time to wrap things up.
I've said a lot of loose points today:
- High-motivation goals tend to reward us more than high-skill goals, and motivation drives us
- As humans, we tend to just change, and mold around whatever we dream of, we're just "inconstant"
- Winning can make us feel good but play bad- setting us up for disaster and setting in more fear
- Fear is why we can set goals, and the driver behind why we bolt straight at these goals
Really quickly, I want to make the connection between motivation and fear.
Fear and motivation are sort of inverses, and are connected with reward. Fear is at the head, pushing us in fear of missing out on the reward. And motivation is at the tail, pulling us forward because of the possibility of the reward.
That's all, thank you so much for reading all of this! It's almost 11:30 pm now, and yes, my bad habits continue, but hey, I can't blame myself for being me.
I sincerely hope you enjoyed this! See y'all next time!
