kung foo bonanza in tru eggroll style

Nonsense... How does it happen? How do I end up with the worst possible piece placement against an opponent I should give nothing but well practiced ideas... and why? I guess I like to mix it up. I know there are a bazillion books on chess, that pretty much have the game down to the general situations and so on. But I’m not reading any of them. My chess knowledge comes from my defeats. Ok, and a couple of tutorials by that roman guy that I didn’t understand at first but the more I play make more and more sense. I think that the best place to put into practice variations is with people or machines that will be ruthless against the gaps in my logic. The price is my rating. But honestly screw my rating. For now. Now I want to be exposed to as much chess as possible. Against as many rivals as will play me. I win some I lose most but I learn something from all of them. A well versed player may call it the Sicilian triple Slav defence (Gorvachev variation)... I call it, that thing that happens when black does this and I do this and then he does that. There are just so many of those tho. I feel like im scraping the surface of a completely new level of chess. Barely.
I suppose that another 10 years of exposure should make me an evil player. For now I lose, my rank loses. But I win.
Cant wait to get home and battle this game of games, this battle of battles.
J