How can i get out of elo hell?

So, i subscribed to chess.com recently and just had some random 10 minutes games trying out mind blowing openings, mostly while drunk, losing about 100% of the times. 
Since my skill at chess is unmatched - surpassing most world champions - i wanted to quickly build an account that i could sell on the black market to support my 6 children and quit my side gig as a street hooker, but that now seems simply unfeasible, because as a result of my actions i find myself in a 100-ish elo hell, which makes this account not worth a cent. Facing scholar's mate every game gets very boring, making me play like shit and if this goes on i'll have to go back on the streets to support my 8 children. How do i climb out back to around 800? What do? Should i simply cheat?

Dude! You gave birth to two more children in less than a sentence. Maybe being a street person of the evening is not a preferred line of work either.

You need a training montage like Rocky. Only it's you surrounded by your ten children playing the surviving world champions. You can show them all sad and defeated. You can throw in some scholars with you looking all frustrated playing against them. Just use the Rocky music and have some close-ups of the chess clock.

After playing a game, look closely at it and figure out what you did wrong. Then try not to repeat that in the next game. As a coach, I can help you faster figure out what you did wrong and with additional stuff as well.

Epic failure. This is the risk of spamming the same nonsense at hundreds of thread. Some glitches are bound to happen here and there.

NO

From the start to the finish of posting this thread he made 2 extra children. Legend.

You have to accept chess-Jesus as your savior.

seriously though, how

You probably have no time to study chess, what with having 12 children.

be good

Thirteen children?

you cant

ok, i'll come clean: i'm actually not a hooker and i don't have children. I am a 21 years old man that decided to play online chess on a modafinil binge and resigned all games without king's gambit accepted. I am probably 800-1000-ish because i won some local tournaments when i was in middle school. How do i get back to an elo where i can play actually fun games.......

It's okay, 4 out of 3 poeple can't do fractions.

What about it?

Please stop 1. e4 e5 2. Qh5 or Qf3. I'm also stuck and knew it while I'm not using it. Also stop checking the king when his pawn can block it and kick the bishop or queen out. Make your new account.

My suggestions:

1) Get better booze. Or, failing that, more of the cheap stuff.

2) Look over every one of your lost games, and try to figure out just why you lost it. And I don't mean "I lost because I dropped my Queen"... I mean WHY did you drop your Queen? Did you mis-manage your clock and run short of time? Were you feeling uncomfortable in that type of position, couldn't think of a plan, and just reached out and made a random move? Self-criticism is the fastest and surest road to improvement.

3) Forget openings. Too many players waste their limited chess time memorizing opening lines that never get used in real games. Practice tactics. Learn simple endgames. Practice MORE tactics. Learn model mates (Lolli, Greco, Morphy, Anastasia, Corridor, Epaulette, etc).

4) Did I mention more tactics?

Hi! Your story could be sad or fun...Let´s assume it is all a big joke; otherwise, the reply I give would have no sense.

Basically, you need to develop your chess skills little by little before any rating gain.

If you are interested in improving, then I suggest you read my post, please see link below: https://www.chess.com/blog/maafernan/chess-skills-development

If you would like to take a few lessons, contact me for details. I´m a Chess.com coach.

Good luck!

6 Hail Marys,

no wait, make that 8 Hail Marys.