Invent the new worst/most useless chess piece ever!

The LOL: Everything goes random. Including your time

what

The Queen Generator: Spawns Queens where your opponent can get them every 2 turns. Uses up a turn.

The Crappy Song: Blares obnoxious annoying and just downright awful music dubbed in different languages to make it even worse. If anyone complains, they roll a die. If they get a 6, they lose. If they get a 5 or lower, they lose the lowest worthy piece the opponent has. If the person complaining only has a king, they lose.

The Crowner: turns all of your pieces into kings

The Queen who self-identifies as a King, and chooses to only move one square.

But somehow you still get checkmate!!!

The Coward Pawn. Backs away from every challenge, refuses to take an enemy piece. If by some miracle it reaches the 8th rank, it is DEMOTED and rewarded with a telescope so it can look up to a buck private.

The Hobbit. Does nothing during the game but he lived happily ever after.

I'm designing a variant called "The chessboard is Lava" and I will keep you all informed.

The softie.

One of your rooks is replaced with a softie. It moves and castles like a normal rook, but when it captures something it instead turns into a pawn (after capturing the piece). If it would be captured, it turns into a knight.  Once it transforms the softie functions as the piece into which it transformed.

The Extra King, Gives an extra king, if one pf the kings are in check, have to move out or block, if they are both in check and cant block or capture, it is checkmate

The Pope.

Moves one square diagonally. When it captures an enemy piece that piece instead becomes your piece. 

The order 66

Replaces the king and moves like a king. After your opponent puts you in check and you move out of check, before your opponent gets to move again, you may execute order 66. You get a single move with all of his pawns in any order you wish. They move like kings and may capture his own pieces. After you are finished moving all of his pawns, you game continues as normal with your opponent's move. Note however though that if you move adjacent to your opponents king and he may then execute order 66 after you have moved all your pawns. Note also that it is illegal to capture the enemy king or enemy pawns while executing order 66.

The Jedi

Replaces the queen and moves like a queen. However, it has several force powers.

Force speed: Allows the jedi to move a second time. However, it may not use this move to capture the enemy king. Furthermore, it does not render illegal moves legal for the first move. For example, it cannot move out of a pin and then back into a pin. It must be a second legal move after the first legal move.

Force push/pull: After moving, the jedi gets 4 squares with which to move opponent's pieces. This can me one piece 4 squares, four pieces one square each, or any combination. They must move a single square at a time without crossing over other pieces. They can be forced to capture your own pieces and king's can be force pushed/pulled into checkmate.

Force Projection: The Jedi reads your opponent's mind. The Jedi does not get to move this turn and you move another piece. However, before moving that piece, your opponent must declare what move he's going to make.. In other words, he must declare a pre-move. If the move is no longer legal when it is his turn, then he is not held to his pre-move and the projection did nothing.

Force Zugzwang: The Jedi uses his jedi powers to allow the player to skip a move.

Force mind trick: The Jedi moves an opponent's piece according to a legal move that piece can make.

Force choke: The Jedi freezes an opponent's piece in place, preventing it from moving. The freeze lasts until the Jedi uses another force power. However, if the Jedi does not use force powers, he is free to continue to move freely while maintaining the joke. Choked pieces don't count as being able to move so pieces cannot be pinned by them and the king can move into what would otherwise be check. The Jedi is not legally allowed to do anything that would result in a choke being removed on his turn if the choke is preventing a check.

Force protect: The Jedi protects a friendly or enemy piece on the board by keeping it from legally being able to be captured. This protection lasts until the jedi casts a force power or the piece moves or the jedi dies. The king cannot be given force protect.