I'd say your first problem isn't that you aren't doing as well at chess as you like, but rather that you seem to have a very unhealthy attitude towards the game and yourself.
1) Why do you do something, compulsively, that you dislike? How long has this unhealthy fixation been going on?
2) Why do you berate yourself for merely losing a game?
3) Why don't you believe that when you win it's a genuine win and deserved?
1) Because I would feel empty without it. Two weeks.
2) Because I feel like I need to get better otherwise I would feel sad.
3) Because I make so many blunders. It feels impossible for me to get good if I continually mess up so much.
1a. Why would you feel empty? What void is chess filling, and can that void not be filled by anything else?
1b. Are you neurodiverse, or do you have OCD?
1c. Are you like this with other things in life?
2a. Where does the 'need' come from? What are you trying to prove, and to whom?
3a. How long have you been seriously trying to improve your chess skills? And what have you been doing to improve?
Edit:
Extra question: Why do you play chess; what got you interested in it to begin with?
1a) Chess is filling… I don’t know. A pawn-shaped hole?
1b) Yes, I have mild autism.
2a) To myself that I can be decent at something that I forgot about a long time ago, I guess.
3a) I only got back into it about 2 months ago and started checking out chess theory books from the library. I rediscovered here and… here we are.
1a&b. Fair enough. I have zero expertise in psychology, so feel free to ignore, but I suspect that your overly self-critical and negative attitude to yourself and the game stems somewhat from your ND, and that attitude hinders your ability to learn and improve. If you can find a way to relax, and a way to be more positive about the game, you will likely learn more quickly.
2a. You can find many things to become good at. But it's worth asking yourself why chess in particular? Is it because you, somewhat erroneously, tie it to your high IQ as a sign of intelligence and therefore failing at chess seems to undercut the thing you feel most pride, and security, about in yourself? I would suggest some introspection here. And try to find a way to enjoy chess for the sake of it's own intrinsic beauty without it meaning anything too personal for you. Maybe that will help you learn.
3a. Two months is nothing in terms of chess development. Chess seems to be notoriously slow to get better at. Set yourself a more realistic target. I've set myself the target of getting a rating of 1000 in 12 months, and I feel that that is a very challenging target.
What things have you already tried to improve your chess?
Today you've lost 7 rapid games in a row because you resigned after 2-3-4 moves (in equal positions). Please explain.
Well, chess’ own intrinsic beauty looks to be in the shape of a very certain finger…
but maybe that’s because everybody at 300 spams random lines of the Wayward Queen that makes it impossible to play normally. Everybody around me says that “oh, the Wayward Queen is easy to refute” and “Oh, you’re horrid at chess if you can’t refute the Wayward Queen” and “Oh, wow, I can teach you, you seem so horrible you shouldn’t be allowed to touch a chessboard, I can fix that” and I’ve listened.
I have listened to them.
I’ve absorbed every lesson, every “play this opening”, every obnoxious middlegame checkmate and… my rating has went down.
That’s my best game thus far. I felt good when I had the checkmate and… one mistake. And I had used up all of my analyzes, so I couldn’t learn what was the mistake. And now I feel sad that I messed up, even though I know I shouldn’t.
@magipi I felt worthless and kept resigning. I thought it would make me feel better if I just broke my rating and quit forever, but I’ve decided to stay (for better or for worse)
If you dislike playing at 300 because you feel that everyone you play at that level spams annoying moves, why not just create a new account starting at 800?
This aside to the idea that if you re facing Scholar's Mate/Wayward Queen regularly it would be seriously worth memorising a strategy to deal with such early queen attacks. There's plenty of resources available for free to be able to do this, if you wish.
But I ask again, what have you already tried to get better at chess?
And, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?
And who is telling you that you suck a t chess etc? Are you part of a chess club, or something?
So you resigned, then you felt an irresistible urge to play another game, then you felt like resigning again, and repeat, and repeat, 7 times?
I may not be able to teach you very well, but I can certainly give you a game without all of the nonsense of your usual opponents… up for a few later?
@magipi I felt worthless and kept resigning. I thought it would make me feel better if I just broke my rating and quit forever, but I’ve decided to stay (for better or for worse)
So the issue was not your gameplay or skill, but your internal psychological state.
Again, this is the thing I think you need to address first.
@DelightfulLiberty everyone is telling me I’m bad. I’ll memorize five counters to the Wayward Queen, but then a sixth line pops up and the opponent wins. The voices in my head tell me that I’m just not right for chess, but then tell me to play more. I’m not considered an adult yet, but I feel much more mature than everyone my age around me. I’ve done tactics, read The Mammoth Book of Chess (great read, by the way), got a coach for a bit, learned my opening theory, pins, skewers, puzzles. I am part of a chess club, but everyone just seems lightyears ahead of me.
@magipi indeed. The forces that compel me are strange and unusual.
@magipi indeed. The forces that compel me are strange and unusual.
In addition, it felt like a waste to play the games normally.
Edited moderator stumpyblitzer
no
… or at least not for me.
I’m rated 394 in Rapid and much better (I think) in 30 min. I’m doing fine at life.
Oh, and I also have a genius IQ. The problem is… I feel horrible when playing chess. Every single time I win, I think: “I didn’t deserve to win that game, I only got lucky, I’m so stupid, etc.” And when I lose, my mental abuse is even worse. 5 BLUNDERS YOU SHOULD QUIT CHESS NOW but I can’t quit chess. I can’t walk away, and I study for hours and never see any improvements. At all. I miss simple tactics despite always getting them in puzzles. I feel like I never win ever.
Can someone help me? (PS No “play slower time, do more puzzles, read more books, don’t focus on openings, be paranoid, I can coach you, you should just quit, take a break” because I’ve seen these over and over again)