This is my first time playing chess. Tell me how to win in the most vague way possible.

Yeah. For an example of what place I'm in, I don't even know what a checkmate is.

Confuse me more while I figure out how to play.

All right, so here is what you do...you move pieces around and shuffle here and there and eventually you win, unless you don't. Of course, the times you don't are the times you might forget, except you shouldn't because those are games worth learning from. The games you'll remember are the ones you win, but those might not be as useful to remember. 

Confused yet? Just play chess and win.

(and of course if you wanted real advice, then here are two good places to start)

https://www.chess.com/learn-how-to-play-chess 

https://www.chess.com/blog/KeSetoKaiba/opening-principles-again 

Yeah. For an example of what place I'm in, I don't even know what a checkmate is.

Confuse me more while I figure out how to play.

All right, so here is what you do...you move pieces around and shuffle here and there and eventually you win, unless you don't. Of course, the times you don't are the times you might forget, except you shouldn't because those are games worth learning from. The games you'll remember are the ones you win, but those might not be as useful to remember. 

Confused yet? Just play chess and win.

I hated every word of this and came out understanding nothing. Thank you for this lol

Get familiarised with the movements of each piece. You can't possibly learn checkmate that quickly without the understanding of piece movements!

Once you are confident, you can research on these checkmates.

1. King-queen

2. King-rook, which is more difficult than king-queen in practice

3. Queen-rook

4. Queen-bishop

There are others too, but these usually come at a later stage. Read this in conjunction with "stalemate".

I think this is an actual answer. Not vague enough, 6/10

The secret to winning is identifying junctures, pivoting when necessary, and controlling the energy flow.  The goal of every chess player, in every game and every move, is modality.

'Play the opening like a book, the middlegame like a magician, and the endgame like a machine.'

Choose your opponents wisely.

When your opponent turns the amp up to ten, be prepared to turn the amp up to eleven.

When your opponent tries to outsmart you, outsmart his outsmarting.

@1
Make no mistakes and wait for your opponent to make a mistake.

10/10

Now, tell me that you have never seen such a post before in this place...

I always try to checkmate my opponents king. But I'm not very good at chess so I don't seem to do that very often.

Ok, vague answer U win using actions

you win by getting your king as close to the enemy king

Having it so that if the opponents could be captured, it can not escape check.