2001-3000 Worst Things To Do While Playing Chess

2953.

2954. Eating a hairsprayed shoe in the opening.

Use that stuff for your hair - not your shoe - peephole!

2801. Are you a hard-loser?  Do you feel terrible after losing a hard fought chess game?  Do you cry for weeks after Magnus Carlsen demolishes you?  Well fear no more, my little ones, for here is your recipe for success.  Preparation is fairly simple.

INGREDIENTS:

- 16 of your opponent's chess pieces (collect them after a hard loss)
- 1/2 cup Worcestershire sauce
- cayenne pepper (or optionally, habanero pepper)

PREPARATION:

- Take all ingredients and blend or food process to create a crunchy texture. 

- Pour half of mixture in opponent's pillowcase before he goes to bed at night.

- Pour the other half of mixture in opponent's shoes for him to put on in the morning after a rough night's sleep.

- A low calorie, high fiber treat. Serves 3 (one pillow and two shoes).

- Parental supervision recommended.

COMMENT UNDELETED - the comment, intercepted and restored, originally stated: DisasterNatural1

...BUTT IN GOING SOUTH you hit a butt and turn around...toward your continued going, realize then, the North face, and racing toward it forth go you to arrive in the land of the Worcestershire Saw-Ooooh-Chay, o'er the fields we go, laughing all the way...

Making spirits bright, like Absinthe in the knight...

Thyme keeps slipping, slipping, slipping, into the couture...  
I say, I say, feed the babies who won't have enough to eat...
Shoo the children who fly around the toes of your stinky feet...  
Span the forum with your pineapples, sauces, Hawaiian meats... 
Eat your dino-biscuits before T-Rex eats you for a treat... 
Let's fly the seas, swim the skies, sit the sprockets in the sockets in the pockets of the seat...
where all ducks to Helsinki get aboard, before the big track meet...

2803. Pronouncing bullet chess as "boolay shess" because you wish you were in France right now.

2805. Spending 24 hours on hold with customer service after deciding you need to order the adapter and transformer necessary to hook-up your washing machine to the back of your computer monitor so that you can perform the "online cleansing" and massacre of your opponent's pawns and pieces.

 "Late mee see, now, vee just put your vate finger in zees eenpoot here and vee fleep zees vashing machine sweetch and vee shoould have something happening here, no?" 
 

  "No! No! No! No! No! HDMI input goes to the red hose for hot; audio out goes to the blue hose for cold, and the white hose is obviously for wideband transmission of the detergent into the cathode ray tube! Why!? Why!? Why do you never listen to me!? Why am I forced to work with morons!?"
 "Hmpph, well gee, Bert... just thought you was tryin' to be patriotic is all..." 

Don't you mean ChessPlayinDUHDUHDUHDUHDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUde47?

2806. Trading in all your baseball cards at the pawn shop for a set of chess cards, but when you get home, you find a king is missing which brings on a temper tantrum, so you go into your bedroom, put your Burger King crown on, and you take your chess cards and a power saw into the bathroom. You saw your hand off because you are so angry and throw it into the toilet, then you drop your cards into the toilet along with the bloody hand that is in there, and you flush the hand and those cards straight down your toilet. Don't do this, peephole! You had a royal straight flush and you threw your hand away!

  Urine lies the problem...
  "Can someone give me a hand here?"
  "Nah, that is simply not in the cards... or is it?!"

You've really got to hand it to me, peephole, for coming up with this one...

2807. Spending too much time analyzing chess games at the toilet while your opponent is waiting for you because you believe urinalysis is always improved this way.

2808. Toiling too much to provide decent toilet humor to the forum thread.
Pawdon me, but anybody know where the potty's at?  I think it's POTTY TIME!

2809. Watch YouLose

2810. Trying to play chess while preparing a Rexturducken: a chicken stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey stuffed inside of a T-Rex.

2811. Playing chess aboard a llama when the llama is moving at 160 kilometers per hour; 160 kill llama tours is enough to kill you, not just the llamas, if you fall off - so next time you tour, just take a magnetic set and some hiking boots. Does anybody know where a can find a llama that moves this fast?

 "Uhh-uhh, honey. I is not riding in this here thing until you show me your llama license.  This thing don't even have a meter in it, do it?"
 "Yes, but it beats a Turkish taxicab any day of the week, and there's less smoke and mirrors!" 

1813. climb onto the Lotte Tower in Korea, then go to the 118th floor, then jump off and fall onto a taxicab and miraculously save your life.

1814. Step up onto the Hyundai Rook in ChessPlayinDude47's car, then accidentally fall out the passenger door and 118 feet down a manhole into the sewer system landing softly on a taxidermist who is stuffing some rexturtleduckens (a chicken inside of a duck inside of a turtle inside of a T-Rex!) while the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles miraculously look on from their chess game.  Do you see now why they call it the "sewer" system? Because that's where the taxidermic sewing is going on?...

  "How ya' feelin', Mickey, after that last game?"

  "Aahhh just sew-sew..."

1815. Leading to the creation of our first national anthem in 1815, "The Rook Spangled Chessboard" as sung by T-Rex and replete with 16 dino-sized canons and a pyrotechnics permit a la Tchaikovsky 1812 Overture... with rooks that actually launch off of the chessboard like rockets (in fact, as the story goes, they used to be called rookets... they were later further popularized at Radio City Music Hall, NYC)

Hey drD!  That's exactly what I was going to say next... you mind-reader you...

2980. find a rock and replace your opponent with it, then accusing the rock of stalling on time. the td comes over to see what is going on, but then "the rock" transforms into dwayne johnson who wrestles the td in to the ground.

2820. Finding that the mixed nuts you are eating during your chess game contain 97% unshelled filberts, and only 3% unshelled walnuts, almonds, and peanuts, which sends you into a rage so that whenever you capture a piece of your opponent's you do it using a special nut slingshot to topple over the enemy piece so your opponent thinks that you have gone nuts.

  "No, I assure you mom, there's nuttin' goin' on here!"

 (mom leaves...)

 "Now, what part of "sudden death" didn't you understand?"