2001-3000 Worst Things To Do While Playing Chess

2104. Hiding a gorilla underneath the chess board to cheat for you.

2105. Shaking hands with your opponent when he says to you, "Good luck," and all you can think of is "Gentlemen, more gorillas, please."

2107. Hiding a gorilla near the ceiling directly above the game to cheat by looking down at the chess board and sending you signals, but then having the gorilla accidently lose his footing.

2109 offer draw 1000 times.

2111. Offering a hairy gorilla 1000 times.

2112-Baking a pie.

2116. Realizing that your best tactical shot at using a zwischenzug would be in a basketball game ("swish"enzug), or in catching a train, than in a chess game.

2117-Making cake.

2118. May-Queen Cake, when dino-biscuits will do.

2119. Skip with a gorilla to distract your opponent and have the gorilla tie you to your chair with rope while he jumps up and down on you.

2120. Skype with a gorilla on your same set of skis - with you on them too - during an avalanche while you are simultaneously playing chess and not wearing a hardhat, when the gorilla suddenly pulls out a pogo stick and springs free of the heavy snow that has buried you both and proceeds to leave you buried.  Then you Skype him and he announces mate in 1. Hey, stuff happens, just go with it.

2121. Right as the tournament game is set to begin, you shake hands with your opponent, a green-haired young man who announces it is his 21st birthday; you wish him a good game when he suddenly exclaims, "Got okra?!" to you and whips out a bright-green okra popsicle which he extrovertedly tongue-bathes and drools on the board during the entire game.  Then on the 21st move he announces, "Blackjack! I win.", and shows his hand: an ace and a king. But a gorilla shows up and says, "I got a draw with you, Okra-Boy, by sufficient material... King, Queen, and Pawn... a near royal flush...(he almost had king, queen, rook, bishop, knight all of the same color)" when Okra-Boy replies to the gorilla, "you can go flush this okra out your royal trachea!" while force-feeding and gagging the gorilla with twenty-one banana-shaped okra nuggets dipped in pesto. Finally, you realize that you have mistakenly showed up (shown up?!) at the 21st-Annual Okra-Sharks of Finland Poker/Blackjack Tournament and wonder as you wander into the bathroom to eat an okra-stuffed blintz and contemplate where life went south when you spot Santa Claus sitting on the toilet and he gets mad at you for not dying your beard green like his and lets you know you won't be getting any okra underneath the Christmas tree this year.

2122. Noticing how 2-1=2-1 while trying to concentrate on orange juice.  Why that's just terrorbull, just terrorbull...

2123. Trying to kick an ass's gorilla in the rear end when he rotates to meet you face-to-face constantly.  I just like saying "ass's" - wow, 3 sss's!
Sssooo cccooolll!!! A trIIIptych of cccooolllnnneeesss!!!

2124. Seeing everything from the gorilla's point-of-view only because you are so open-minded and love to look at your hairy chest, er... chess.

2125. Trying to get your opponent to appreciate your joke: "Why did the gorilla cross the road? To get to the other side of the Chiquita Tree - the side with the bananas on it," when he falls asleep on you every time.

"My, oh my, what sharp teeth you have!"
"That's because I'm a piranha in banana's clothing, little brother! Woooo-hahahaha!"

2126. Thinking that being open-minded means decapitating your opponent. Then he will be open-minded too. What an airhead! Ahh, appendages, who needs 'em... they just get cold real fast.

 "Ain't no okra up in this joint! Who you lookin' at, boy?! I say, I say, who you lookin' at?"
Opponent: "Inquiring minds iguana know..." 

2127. Waiting for the fruits to ripen during the chess game while unable to find font size 13.

T-Rex contemplates life...

2128. Saying, "Alas!  The okra has come into full-bloom!  But there is only enough for one of us. Checkmate!" while making your first move in the chess game.