zhikaihuang wrote:
ChessPlayinDude47 wrote:
2959. Having a kidney transplant on top of the chessboard with a sadistic doctor/grandmaster who doesn't administer anesthesia but, instead of putting in the new kidney puts a black knight in its place and announces a mate in three while the patient is saying, "I resign!"
Have a kidney transplant under the chessboard with and idiot/bad chess player who administers anesthesia but uses too much and now you can't feel your kidney. Wait, since when did i start being able to feel my kidney?
Kidneys have feelings too! Don't hurt their feelings! 
Now, I must go back to having my ankylosaurus kidney sandwich with pesto.
2971. People are always asking me what my favorite opening to play is against 1. d4? My answer is always the same. I used to play 1...c5, but I've learned there's a better line. Here's how you want to approach it. Just grab your favorite beer stein and fill it up with nice cool water all the up to the top, so it's almost overflowing. You can put a few ice cubes in there, to cool it off a little bit more. After your opponent plays 1. d4, when you are ready to counterattack that move, grab your stein and pour water all over the chessboard, essentially flooding the pieces. Check to see if your opponent's pieces are trying to get away, maybe by swimming away from the scene of the crime. Don't let them get away. Corral them back in if they try to run or float away. Now find a dirty old mop that you don't use much and have your opponent wipe that board so there's some mud on there. While he's wiping that mess up, next thing you want to do is put down an LP, vinyl recording of Alban Berg's Wozzeck, abstract expressionist opera, and crank that baby up real loud, to where your dad really digs it, and your neighbors are getting ready to call the cops. Now you've got your opponent's attention and he's ready to take you seriously.
Next thing you want to do is go refill that beer stein with a glass of boiling hot water. Quickly, with one deft motion, pour it all over the chessboard before your opponent has a chance to react. If he tries to grab any pieces, he'll burn his fingers, so he'll have to use that dirty old mop again and waddle those steamy muddy pieces around a bit before he can touch those pieces and reset the board. While he's waiting for your first move, this is a good time to go refill that beer stein, this time with a tall glass of pale ale. Now don't drink it, just yet; first, shake it up a bit to where it's nice and foamy. OK? Good. Now, pour that foam in his beard. If he doesn't have a beard, then pour it all over his hairy face. Good. Now, go into the kitchen and open a can of dolmas (Greek stuffed grape leaves). Take one dolma and gently stuff it up your opponent's left nostril. Do not stuff a dolma up your opponent's right nostril, as this will give your opponent time for a counterattack. Very quickly grab a piece of almost frozen cheesecake and smear that across his face. So far you are executing your reply to 1. d4 perfectly, so now is not the time to let your guard down. Quickly grab a wig and a pig's face and dress up as Miss Piggy in costume. Now say the following words to your opponent: "Oh Kermie!! Will you still love me if I play 1...c5?" Don't wait for the answer, as this is only a rhetorical question designed to confuse your opponent. Instead grab that stein of beer and a straw and shoot some of the beer liquid up his left nostril, in essence, injecting his dolma with beer. To finish your first move, as it will probably by now be sunset, turn on the TV and watch the end of the Giants game. Ta-ta for now. This has been ChessPlayinDude47 on how to defend against 1. d4. Now you can finish that pale ale.
2971. Not plagiarizing ideas when you play a good game of chess; besides, you were thinking the exact same thing as your opponent, so it's all starting to make sense now.