5,000 Signs You Don't Know Enough About Chess

3030 Whadddt? Chess? Didn't you mean cheese? Cheese is surely E zee er. 

3031 -  The King, Queen, Bishop and Knight are on the board. Where is the Joker?

3032. You know how to move the pieces, and think that qualifies for knowing how to actually play chess. 

3033. Flipping a coin to see if white or black moves first.

3034. Chess? Is that a new makeup brand? Ohhdarling. Does it go with my Jimmy Choos? And my doggie woggie? And my Luis Vitton handbag? 

3035. Chess? Oh no, that is too difficult for me. Can't we do something nice?

3036. The queen has the capability to make a knight move, right?

3037. Castling is when you advance a pawn to the eighth rank to get crowned.

3038. you think castling is the same as car selling.

3039. You think that a castling is some kind of halfling.

3040 - Your grandmother wins or draws four out of five games against your play.

3041 - Your seven year old neice hesitates to play you OTB because she fears boredom.

3042: You think that the chess clock is a launcher.
3043: You purposely lose on time so that you don't have to show how bad you are. 

3044: You move your your pieces to I file when you're frustrated.

3045: You resign before you play your first move because you know need to go to the bathroom.

3046: You expect you opponent to resign.

3047: you take the queen.

#3048 when you play a move that you think is good then your oppent belittles you with his responce.

That's happened to me at tournaments...

3049. To buy replacement chess pieces, you go to a pawn shop.

3050. You don't believe there are enough stupid things possible in chess to fill 5,000 posts.

3051. You play a whole game with a1 as a white square without even realizing it.

3052. You lost a game playing black with a smothered mate. Your king on h8, her knight on f7. You ask for a replay. You play white. She mates you the same way, now with your king on h1 and her knight at f2.