Chess Poem/Song

Hey guys I though since I'm a writer/poet and a chess player i thought I'd put them together just for the fun of it. I would just like to hear you thoughts and criticisms. This is my completely original work but it’s just a draft so go easy on the grammar and spelling. Enjoy!

(Warning poem is a little long)

You play as white

So you start with e4

He goes Sicilian

And soon it’s the nasdorf

You play smart

And fight for the center

Because who controls that

Will surely be the winner

But then a blunder

And his get fixed

And know your on the run

The tables are flipped

Chorus

Why do we sac queens for pawns

Trying to right our wrongs

Why do we always think to long

And never see a good move till it’s gone

You scan the board

For a way out

And you attack his king

Hoping he will forget about

Your weakness in position

But he’s not falling for that trick

Now the piece you loose

Is your pick

Chrous

You look at you clock

Burning through time

You started with 90 minutes

Now you’re down to a dime

You scratch your head

Ready to accept defeat

This is an impossible position

Even for the elite

Chorus

But then light shines

At the end of the road

So you buckle down

And go into calculation mode

You play precise

Making evey move with care

Any inaccuracy

Will through the game in the air

Your execution is perfect

And a draw is made

Disaster is avoided

But a price is paid

You did not win

Even though you were white

No the rest of the tournament

Will be an up hill fight

Chorus

Tell me what you think. I think I might just take the chorus out and make it a poem. The chrous actually came from the rythem of Kris Allens live like were dying

Thats not a "little long" thats a novel.

I don't get a feeling of who you are from this. I don't get a feeling of love , hate or even frustration. Its almost like you were just writing something down you weren't connected to. Its an observation of chess or a chess game, but there is no life in it. Its dry and uninspiring.

Here take a look at this "chess poem/song". Mind you I am not comparing you to the professional group " Yes". Just showing you an example of how there is so much life in their poem/song.

I. Your Move
(Anderson)

I've seen all good people turn their heads each day
so satisfied I'm on my way.
I've seen all good people turn their heads each day
so satisfied I'm on my way.

Take a straight and stronger course to the corner of your life.
Make the white queen run so fast she hasn't got time to make you a wife.

'Cause it's time, it's time in time with your time and its news is captured
For the queen to use.
Move me on to any black square,
Use me any time you want,
Just remember that the gold (or goal)
Is for us to capture all we want, anywhere,
Yea, yea, yea.

Don't surround yourself with yourself,
Move on back two squares,
Send an instant karma to me,
Initial it with loving care
Don't surround
Yourself.

'Cause it's time, it's time in time with your time and its news is captured
For the queen to use.
Diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit didda.
Diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit Don't surround
Didda. Yourself with yourself.
Don't surround yourself with yourself, Don't surround yourself.
Move on back two squares,
Send an instant karma to me, Send an instant
Initial it with loving care Karma to me. Don't surround Yourself.

'Cause it's time, it's time in time with your time and its news is captured
For the queen to use.
Diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit didda.
Diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit didda.
Diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit didda.
Diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit diddit didda.

'Cause it's time, it's time in time with your time and its news is captured.

II. All Good People
(Squire)

I've seen all good people turn their heads each day so satisfied I'm on my way.(repeat)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y430vq9wI7w