GRANDMASTER FAKES OWN DEATH!

Panko Smoobachuk found alive in Reno, NV.  Faces multiple charges of bribery, fraud, and transporting a wombat across state lines.

   Reno, NV Feb. 28, 2022: Fugitive grandmaster and third-rate bunco artist Panko Smoobachuk, reported as deceased only days ago, has turned up apparently alive and kicking at a chess tournament in Nevada. Playing under the alias "Garth Rooks", Smoobachuk was competing in the annual Rasputin Memorial Tournament in Reno. The organizers became suspicious when, after quickly getting checkmated in his first game, Panko refused to accept the result and called it "fake news".

    Smoobachuk had been the object of a worldwide manhunt until his supposedly lifeless body was found last week in his apartment. However, the wily Panko had simply left a cleverly disguised CPR dummy in his place, and slipped out the back entrance. The tournament director of the Rasputin Memorial, Eldridge Bloopinhurst, called local police after Smoobachuk began ranting and gesticulating wildly after his loss in the first round of the event. "I knew this guy was a couple of kegs short of a six-pack," Bloopinhurst said. Officer Joe Bolton of the Reno PD arrived and apprehended the crazed chess player. Panko was dragged, kicking and screaming out of the playing hall. 

      Smoobachuk faces numerous criminal charges, plus back payment of alimony to nine ex-wives totaling $14.3 million dollars. Former spouse and exotic dancer Sugar Plump commented "Panko's not really a bad guy. He's just a dirty, rotten, lying, deceitful pile of horsebinkle. Other than that, he's not such a bad guy." 

      Smoobachuk will be arraigned tomorrow at the Criminal Courts Building in downtown Reno. Admission is $15 for general audience, $12.50 Senior Citizen. Spectators are advised to BYOB.

       Here is Panko Smoobachuk's first, and only game in the Rasputin Memorial Tourney. His opponent is fan favorite and part-time stand-up comic Anish Giri. Before the game, Giri asked "Who in tarnation is Garth Rooks??"

That was the coolest thing I've read in a while

      Thanks for the comment. Looks like you're about the only one who read it. I guess the situation in Ukraine has understandably dampened people's sense of humor.

This is completely hilarious, thank you so much for sharing it. Sounds like the plot of Thomas Pynchon's new novel. I would be so happy to hear more about Panko's story: how did he get to know Sugar Plump? What was his relation to the wombat?

     So glad I could cheer up a Ukrainian!

что

     Is Pynchon still with us? Read Lot 49 way back in high school......

Smoobachuk met Sugar Plump at a Parcheesi tournament in Monte Carlo. She was selling the cheese. As for the wombat, the mysterious marsupial has escaped police custody and is believed to be driving for Uber.

https://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/grandmaster-criminal-prosecution-begins-today-1

Yes, Pynchon is still with us. Nobody knows, where he lives or how he looks like, but he seems to be still pretty alive. 

Haaaaa! Whatttt!? That was hilarious! 

    Thanks for the comment!

        For more on the thrilling events following Panko's arrest, see:

https://www.chess.com/forum/view/fun-with-chess/grandmaster-criminal-prosecution-begins-today-67885503

Enjoyed that! Thanks!