Meaning of names - in chess

Aaron - a patzer, if ever there was one
Adam - tells everyone that "chess sucks", secretly plays Chessmaster every day
Albert - a rusty oldtimer, will kick your butt if you are not careful
Alexander - participates in chess tournaments only to flirt with the girls
Andrew - a naive woodpusher, goes for Scholar's Mate every time
Anthony - a French defence buff, pretty dangerous in the endgame
Arnold - a chess hooligan, slams the pieces into the board
Bradley - expert strength player, plays boring openings though
Brandon - an opening specialist, needs to work on the middlegame
Brent - hates chess, will punch you if you ask him why
Chad - capable of downing unbelievable amounts of brew during the game
Christian - claims to be GM strength, noone has ever seen him play
Christopher - a gracious loser, easy to beat, too
Cody - weird guy, carries a miniature chess set with him at all times
Craig - likes to give you odds of a pawn or two, then loses
Daniel - offers draw all the time, go figure
David - keeps losing won games
Dennis - tenacious player, fights to the very end
Derek - strong endgame player, average otherwise
Donald - a coffehouse player, likes to tell stories during the game
Douglas - will not play chess unless given at least knight odds
Edward - chess addict, will badger you for a game for ever
Erik - an immensely wealthy guy, collects antique chess sets
Evan - trained by a chess coach, an insufferable buffoon
Frank - likes to talk about chess, and... yeah, just talk
Gary - grandmaster material, will beat you blindfolded
George - a duffer in the endgame, otherwise quite good
James - could become a grandmaster, but for his lazy attitude
Jared - a strong tactician, weak in the endgame
Jason - claims to be a patzer, in fact an expert strength player
Jeremy - a Sicilian specialist, almost a grandmaster
John - likes to spice up brilliant play with inexplicable blunders
Jonathan - envokes the touch-move rule in blitz, would you believe
Justin - likes to boast about his wins, did not learn the en passant rule yet
Joshua - an unimaginative player, rarely makes mistakes though
Joseph - chess and alcohol don't mix, enough said
Keith - an average woodpusher, plays terribly slowly
Kevin - a chess hustler, pure and simple
Kyle - owns tons of chess books, a consummate theoretician
Magnus - a future world chess champion, stay out of his way or be crushed
Matthew - a future grandmaster, if trained non-stop for the next 20 years
Michael - never finishes a game, always claims timeouts
Nathan - not to be underestimated, a Caro-Kann expert
Nicholas - suspected of cheating by many, in fact a very capable player
Patrick - opens with 1.a4, no comment
Paul - a great strategist, loses it completely in complex positions
Richard - an expert to some, a patzer to others
Robert - a kingside attacker, never castles
Ryan - more interested in girls than in chess                                            

Samuel - complains about the unfairness of ratings, arbiters, players, pairings, etc 
Steven - walks away from a game to get a brew, never returns
Thomas - a self-proclaimed chess guru, doesn't know squat about the game
Timothy - a decent enough player, often gets into time trouble
Wesley - an enthusiastic little patzer
William - can get really upset after losing a game, watch out

My name is John and while I won my school title with brilliant play(Glory Days,
they'll pass you by) now I only seem to play inexplicable blunders, so my name
seems to fit.

Wesley So wants to have a word with you. ;D

I'm a Paul, and I do lose it in complex positions.  Alas, I am no great strategist.

Bizarre how all the names are Anglo male.  Could we at least get a Vladimir, a Luis and an Alexandra?

....bizarre?

lol @ craig.

My name is Justin, and... well... I don't boast at all, you can't with this rating; and I do in fact know en passant.

I'm christian but the david definition feets me better(fot otb)

 We could try, but given the demographics of the site, what are the odds of having say, a Vladimir, read this thread? Probably much lower than any of the names listed.

No Peter?

For me - "a naive woodpusher, goes for Scholar's Mate every time" - clearly not true; occasionally I try for Fool's Mate.

Spot on for me also...the killer of Galactus.

We few we happy few.... Shakespeare didn't list my name. Am I gifted a "Get of Jail Free" card and pass go with $200?

My real name is Richard, and the "Richard" definition fits me perfectly.

derek actually fits me quite well

Uhh... My name isn't Cody...

What made you think it was?

My name is William

depends on the game :P

I walk away for a brew and never return?! How did you know?

I'm David....

and yeah that's it.