How do you survive a truly terrible opening?

Hi everyone,

could you help me figure out how to survive a horrible opening? I’m talking “violates almost every basic chess principle in the book” kind of horrible.

The challenge is this: 

The first six moves have to be pre-moves, and only after that are you allowed to actually think and try to survive.

For White:

f3

g3

e3

Bg2

Ne2

Kf2

And the same nightmare for Black:

f6

g6

e6

Bg7

Ne7

Kf7

I’m still a beginner and I have no real idea or plan how to deal with these positions. It almost always ends in disaster. I tried “castling by hand” with something like Rf1 and Kg1 and then playing “normal” chess, but that hasn’t worked very well so far. On the other hand, just leaving the king on f2/f7 feels like I’m asking to get checkmated as soon as possible.

Some random ideas I had:

Maybe play Nc3 as soon as possible, because it’s basically the only “normal” developing move left?

Or go d3 and then Nc2 to at least pretend I have some central control?

How do I handle attacks? Just sit and wait for my opponent to take something and then recapture, or should I actively play d4/e4 and let them take, so the center opens up?

I’m completely lost.
What would you do? How would you try to organize your pieces and what kind of middlegame plans would you aim for from this mess?

Thanks in advance - if I ever survive this opening, I’ll probably frame the game score as a trophy! =))

I tried to upload a picture, but unfortunately it doesn’t seem to work. If you just click on my profile and look at my recent games, you can see what I mean. =))

Why not play a good opening? You will have better results and actually improve.

I know the opening is bad – that’s actually part of the point here. My coach asked me to play this line for a while as a training exercise so I can learn to handle these positions, but I’m running out of ideas… =))

No not like this just play the COCA COLA GAMBIT and win free elo point