A few years ago I met, and was paired with this beautiful Russian budding grand master in the final round of a congress. She had long blond hair and was drop dead gorgeous, and I had been admiring her from afar for days (like you do).
She spoke with that soft, rich but clipped accent they have, slightly masculine in pitch and very dominant if you like that sort of thing - and I do.
Before the game I joked with her, half in truth of course, that if I won the game I would take her out for an evening and I would make love to her all night back at my place. She smiled sweetly and readily agreed knowing full well that Tony Blair would vote conservative before this could come true.
Not to be out done, and I had worked this out after several hours of thought the previous night , I said, " and if you win, you can make love to me". Completely unruffled she agreed, with a whimsical smile, which beguiled and bewitched my steam hammering heart and I thought,"I must be still good looking and still sexually attractive to the opposite sex after all".
So I opend with g4, forgot to castle and blundered my queen away after ten moves pretending that I did not see the discovered check and royal family fork combination with back rank mate to follow.
Believing that a loss was inevitable and my dreams would come true, I would marry her and emigrate back to Russia after the congress, I leaned back, smiling smugly, both hands clasped behind my head in a freudian act of complete submission.
Three moves later she imposed a perpetual check on my king with her vastly superior forces, stood up and walked out of the room without a word or a glance. I never saw her again.
Seriously bad by necessity.