chess jokes

anyone got any good chess jokes?

FIDE President Kirsan Ilyumzhinov 

An Irishman went into his local retail shop and said to the sales assistant

"I'm after a good old Irish green chess board!"

The sales assistant replied

"I'm terribly sorry sir, but we only have them in black and white."

The Irishman thought for a moment and then replied

"Good- I'll take a white one then!"

(my apologies to any Irish out there, if the colour hadn't been important I'd have made the man a New Zealander - hope you like and I don't upset anyone)

 good chess joke!

LOL at Nimzoroy. I know this joke was repeated about a zillion times but here it goes:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I've created a chess program that mimics human play" said the computer science major. "So it plays at GM level then?" asks the advising professor. "No, but it does blame its loss on outside conditions!"

Got another one:

An ordiary club chess player is suddenly noticed by many as he begins to win all of his matches. It is noted that his rise in ability co-incides with the player pulling out a small book from his pocket before each game, which he reads for about a minute or so before putting back into his pocket.

A wealthy, but rather ordinary, fellow club member watches this man with keen interest. He sees him perform this ritual of book reading before each game and then going on to win decisively- he will soon be club champion and headed for national fame.

After another emphatic victory, the wealthy gent approaches the man and offers him $1000 for his book. The man kindly declines. He offers $5000, $10 000 and then $20 000 to similar refusals. Desperate, he offers the man $100 000 for the book. The man thinks for a long hard minute or two and then accepts the offer. He walks away with the money minus his book.

The wealthy man, trembling, opens up the little book and astounded reads the following sentence written repeatedly:

"Remeber to always protect your king!"

               I just heard this on the NASCAR channel from Michael Waltrip. I thought it was hillarious. Daytona is described as a chess game, and Michael says, yeah, but I've never seen a chess player slied upside down, while on fire, during a game.

              What's the difference between a chess player, and a savings bond??         One WILL mature, and make money.

              What do you call a chess player in a 3-piece suit??      The Defendant.

            What do you call a chess player without a girlfriend??    HOMELESS!

           What do you call a chess player with half a brain??   GIFTED!

RJC, you necroposted a 3-year old thread.

Who are three Russians attacking? Putin, Stalin, and a russian chess player.

                 NO;  those are drummer jokes. I switched the drum for chess player.

a scottish man went into the bar at 12 noon. The bartender said to him upon his arrival, "you're half an hour early! 12 30 is the time that you usually come." to which the scot replied, "yes, I know, but I'm playing chess in 10 minutes with Mr. O'Flannery here." Of course, the bartender knew just what to say. "I'll get that whiskey right over, alongside two other bottles." Of the scot knew what he meant, that he would be getting a bottle for him, Mr. O'Flannery, and the scot.

RJC  LMFAO Those were actually funny.

Rule Number 1 in making a joke: It is impossible to make a good joke without insulting people.

          Thank you, I do 3 shows a day at 7-11

            Hey; that's my mother.