Getting Over Losses

I wish I could get over my hang-up with losing.  I’m primed for a big push in practical game experience. 

Problem is, I could win ten in a row, and then one loss could incinerate my interest in the game for a week. 

Now, were I as good as Capablanca, who would literally go eight years between losing a game — this might not be a issue.  But if I’m playing four 25-minute games a night, against increasingly talented opposition, it’s only a matter of a time before I start losing games.  It’s inevitable.  Everyone loses games.  (Except for Magnus Carlsen, apparently.)  Even the top US player, our young, intrepid Nakamura, lost something like three straight at a recent tournament.  But he shook it off.  It’s just chess. 

And someone is always going to be better than you.  And even when you’re better than them, you can always blunder anyhow and botch a game.  Even the top pros do it.  Hell, Anand did it last round in London!  Missed one stupid thing . . . his opponent moves a piece … Anand resigns.  One move and mate can’t be prevented.  And the World Champion Anand missed it.

You can’t win ‘em all.  So why do I have this crappy wiring in my head making me an emotional wreck whenever I lose a game?

Maybe it’s just a matter of insufficient practice.  Truth is, I haven’t played all that many games.  In the one rated tournament I played in, I came in 2nd and got a provisional rating of 1836.  I’ve studied the living hell out of the game, sure.  I’ve literally played through a few thousand pro games.  But at the board (live or online) — ?  I’m actually quite inexperienced.  Whenever I have played, I’ve done quite well, mainly because I'm beating up on 1600 or 1700 players.  But I wonder if I were to just throw myself into it, headlong, win or lose, do or die, come what may . . . 

(Maybe I should concentrate on playing the computer at a realistic skill level instead of playing humans.  That could remove the ego issues until I get my chops together.)

Question is:  Would I get better if I just played and stopped taking losses seriously?  (If I could just shrug 'em off, laugh at myself, and move on to the next game?)  

Or would I end up burning my chess books on the fire pit in the backyard before going on a shooting spree at the local mall?

I hate that I feel so awful after losing a game.  

Anyone have any advice about getting over that crap?

Of course, VT had good reason not to be afraid of losing. 

You never know though which is the chicken and which is the egg in any of this...

Get a real problem, then losses will not seem so hard.

I must say I feel an innate affinity for the OP though (he appears to be some crocheted relative of mine).

One of the ingredients necessary to be great is to have a healthy hatred of losing. 

A healthy hatred of losing manifests itself in motivating one to learn from their mistakes and get better.

An unhealthy hatred of losing is what the OP has -- giving up because losing sucks.

I don't know what to tell you about how to turn your unhealthy response to a healthy one. But I do know that if you do, you'll be a better chess player for it.  

I'd start by making a commitment to myself to play as much as I could. Then take those losses  and analyze them till I've gained every bit of insight out of them I could. 

 

Almost by definition, you might say...

"healthy hatred"

HA!

When defending Italy (or attempting to), Nazi troops were told to fight with "sacred hatred."

Stop treating chess like a boxing match where you need time to recover from your injury. The loser usually is more injured. Chess is a game similar to PC and video games where you simply "start new game". Unless you are tired or have other things to do. Sometimes or maybe many times we amateurs play stupid losing moves. It happens. Control your ego. Just enjoy playing chess!

If you have money to spend, get a massage. I'm sure you'll feel better after the massage.

Play back the game and see any obvious errors or weak moves. Then do it again, then a third time....

...in other words, learn by your mistakes.

I can relate! Recently I quit OTB forever, again!  But I have grappled with the very same thoughts as you. I got over it after I rationalized the experience: a loss is not a loss, but a learning experience! Both wins and losses are only pieces of the puzzle to my Chess understanding. These thoughts "override" the emotion of a loss, so to speak. And I can get back in there much faster. 

However, there is another aspect to this. That is playing the very next round after a loss. So I prepare mentally before the game starts and see the game as a learning experience - not as a winning/losing experience. If the reason you play is to win, then you will experience much pain. But if the reason you play is to enjoy the game, and to learn, then you're already a winner!

In Chess, to be a winner, is to be a loser! 

If loosing chess games is the worst thing too happen in your life.....u will live a great life !

Great responses!  And many thanks.  I think that in the end it's a matter of simply changing perspective:  it's just a chess game, after all.  Like one respondent pointed out: think of it as a video game — you lose? so what? click reset and play again!  And also very helpful to remind oneself that the point is to have fun playing, learn from your losses, but play for the enjoyment of it.  

Also a good point about deliberately playing stronger opponents so you can pretty much EXPECT to lose games (which you'll learn from), but where your wins will mean so much more.

And in the end . . . always remembering each game is a chance to create something beautiful . . . but if it doesn't work out?  Ah, well.  Next!

You know what helps with getting over losing?

Losing!!

If you're not losing, you're not learning.

If you're winning more than 60 percent of your games, your rating is clearly inaccurate.  Time for new mind-set, kiddo.

If you're not willing to take you lumps, and (continuously) learn from your mistakes, your better find another game.

Tic Tac Toe has a safe drawing strategy if protection against loss is what you really want.

What Planet do You Hail From??

Learn to play (humans) at Game in 30/5 speed, and keep hitting the chess books.  Improving at chess is not that much different than regularly going to the gym.

Get with the program, and be prepared to lose, regularly.  Goes with the territory.

Who have we now lost? I am really getting fed up with this. Every night it is the same. Always some silly billy that we have to look for and bring back to his mum. OK who did we lose?

one must detach oneself from the game and realize that we are prone to aberration, we will make mistakes in fact, we cannot help but make mistakes.  Once this reality peculates to our psyche losses are to be welcomed for they demonstrate some kind of deficiency on our part that we can then address, sure winning is fun and losing is not, but its not always possible to see ourselves the way others see us and a loss is an opportunity to do just that.  There are always going to be winners and losers, this we cannot control, but our own reaction and our own choice of moves we can and this should be our focus, not whether we are winning or losing :)