Grandmasters of chess.com, can someone please lose to me so I can become a GM?

I really want that grandmaster title in front of my name. I will give trophies out and I will give you 5 free 1 hour chess lessons, description in my other post.

https://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/im-a-coach-looking-for-students

I know this is a joke thread but in case the gullible are reading, titles here are only in recognition of titles earned in over-the-board (OTB) regular rated play. You can't get a title here without one in real life.

and I'm 99.9% positive this exact post has happened before

How did a fake IM beat a GM?

I'm a chess prodigy, future world champion.

I will use simple math. I am rated uscf 471 peak 492 and I started 1 month ago. At this rate, by 2020 candidates, I'm rated 471x12 which is 5652. 5652 is almost twice as good as Maggot Carsen so I will win the 2020 champs.

No it's the number of months. My IQ is actually 76. 

Dang! Too fast!

Does IQ really matter? I’m 138 IQ and I’m not that smart.

Nice necro.

You can always cheat and become one without playing.