Jokes

sfw? ;South Frican Wits...?

Timothy__P. What precisely do you mean by sfw?Will you please elucidate.Thank you akafett for trying to help in explanation -but how in the context of a joke forum is the phrase "safe for work" relevant??

Safe for work. I.E. pictures of nearly nude girls isn't safe for work (which has happened in earlier pages)

So you know when to stop making sandwiches, why else?

It isn't. I simply looked it up online and that was answer I got.

Is dit net 'n grap of die waarheid?lank lank gelede is Dr Danie Craven die bestuurder van die Suid Afrikaanse Rugby span.Waneer die span op toer was het hulle 'n slegte gewoonte aangeleer.Waneer hulle vir bvb 'n maal uitgenooi was het hulle 'n paar aandenking bvb 'n asbakkie weggeneem.Eenmal is hulle deur die Biskop van London aan 'n skemerkelkie en aandete uitgenooi.Dr Craven was baie senuweeagtig.Waneer die span in die eetsalon gekom het het Dr Craven al die silver en gold dinge aan die tafel gesien.bvb silver sout en peper kellers.Hy het gedink-hoe kan ek die span waarsku om niks weg te neem nie?Dan wou die Biskop bid.Dan het Dr Craven gese-"kan ek in onse eie taal bid? Seker het die Biskop geantwoord.Dan het Dr Craven gebid "Lede van die span,as een van julle iets van hierdie tafel wegneem sal ek hom heeltemal opdonder.Amen"

Thanks, Witmag, being a Dutchmen it is nice to read your language, but what about others on chess.com ?   I know you can write English, so please can you repeat it in English ?  The joke is very good !

Dank U wel RomyGer.Ek sal dit vertaal.Was this only a joke or the truth?Many years ago Dr Danie Craven was the Manager of the South African Rugby team.When the team was on tour they developed a bad habit.When e.g. they were invited out for  a meal they took a couple of souveniers away with them e.g an ash tray.Once they were invited by the Bishop of London to a cocktail party and to dinner.When the team entered the dining room Dr Craven noticed all the gold and silver cutlery etc e.g. silver salt and pepper containers on the table.Dr Craven was very nervous.He thought to himself how can I warn the team not to take any souveniers away?Then the Bishop was about to say grace.Dr Craven interrupted him by saying may I say a prayer in our own language?Certainly responded the Bishop.Then Dr Craven delivered his "prayer"--" Members of the Team if anyone of you takes anything off this table with you I will sort him out completely-amen. 

So "grap" is "joke" in Dutch?

Witmag ou boet, jy is glad nie 'n rooi nek nie. Jy moet nou eerlik translate, soos die Engelse se. Dit is nie I wil sort you out completely, it is more like ek sal julle opvok en in julle gatte skop en julle lekker vrek moer

Not a good way to start a new page....  Lol

:))))

Too much laugh will kill you

Take care not to overdose on laffeine.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike.

The following joke goes back quite some time-Pre- "PC" nonsense .These type of jokes were prefaced by the phrase e.g.There was "An Englishman  an Irishman and a Scot..."In this joke I am going to substitute three other "descriptions" to protect any sensitive little PC "Blossoms" from undue trauma :-

A Martian a Venutian and a Taurian had a holiday in Paris.This was many years ago when the Guillotine was still in use.With healthy thirsts they went on a drinking spree and eventually ended up in a fight in which some third party was killed.In due course the trio were brought before the Courts,convicted of murder and sentenced to death by Guillotine.On the day of the execution they were led out one by one to the site of the Guillotine.The Martian was first.By convention the condemned was offered a choice-either to lie face down or face up(facing the blade).The Martian opted to lie face down.The executioner tried to release the blade but there was a technical fault and it would not function.A second Convention provided that if the execution failed through an inoperable blade the condemned would be pardoned.The Martian left jail a free Martian.Second on the list was the Venutian who also opted to lie face down.The same defect happened to the guillotine and Venutian was declared pardoned and left the jail.Finally the Taurian was led out to the guillotine.How do you wish to lie he was asked by the executioner.Face up he said.I'm not afraid to face the blade.The executioner then made to activate the mechanism when the Taurian called out to him.Wait a moment Mr Executioner I think I know what's wrong with the blade!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”