Most Useless Chess Advice

1. make irregular moves, he'll never suspect

2.the queen is worth 1 the pawn 115

3.when you can mate let it win a piece, he'll be more friendly after the game

4.hide your piecies when you'r opponent is distracted

5.throw your piecies away from the table, when you play someone with an ammunition you're thrown aaway!

6.pass all your time reading artifizz forums and never read the useful ones.

7.don't read chess books, they will hurt your eyes!

8.don't practise, it will let you remain fresh for real games

9.drink alcohol during games

10. go to bed late when you have a tournament next day

11.make blunders to let your opponent happy

At pawn promotion "Ask for a pawn"

lol

 These made me LQTM,NROL   (Laugh quietly to myself, not really out loud).

And there is a point to some of this.  It's letting people know how not to spend their time.  A valuable community service!

I can just picture a coach saying "If the opponent is winning then try winning yourself!" right before I'd launch a flying elbow.

And the last one is very true.  It happens so often.  I'll be just making moves to persecute the king, you know, and then I'll be shocked to find that the game is over.

Here's some advice for those who care enough about winnning to try it:

Has anyone tried acting totally unbalanced during a match?  Snarling, etc.  There's probably rules governing that, huh?....  From the Official Chess Rule Book Section 14, Paragraph 8: "Snarling is only allowed while you are on the clock.  Repeated snarls during the opponents' clock time is grounds for disqualification unless you can produce a doctor's note as proof you actually suffer from a mental health condition related to the animal noises you are making.  In that case, the opponent is allowed to 'go zoo on you' in return."

don't forget " if you are losing, then remember knock all of the pieces off the board" or another one is "If you keep on losing your pieces while all those around you are keeping thees then you are in a  bad chess chess game"

I agree, castling is written as zero minus zero.  that equals zero, so castling is pointless.

Unless you castle Queenside -- that's zero minus zero minus zero and that equals...

...oh.

Actual advice received here:

Play the hippopotamus defense, it's like trying to break concrete.

Always do spite checks whenever possible

Sacrifice as many pieces as you can near the enemy king, and then make a plan.

if case of loss, remove the board. and the pieces

The most useless advice I have ever heard is

Move the pieces!

Slightly more useful, though, than "don't move the peices!" would have been.

I like that one 

Expensive chess sets, make you play better.

This one was a comment made by a friend after he lost a game to me.

"Don't think so much. The more you think, the worse your chess will be"

...If you're getting friendly with a woman in a bar/on a date and you don't want to impress her tell her your hobby is chess...

Winning is better than losing, so try to win.

when in doubt make up moves

( These are some that I heard teenagers use at my chess club)

1. tactical nuke
2. extreme chess ( Knocking over the pieces)
3. wipe out
4. Claim that I win when I don't
5. Cheat

That explains why my rating is so low

Maybe if I up grade I will have a more expensive board than just free and maybe, just maybe  my rating will go up a couple