Warning! Chess Causes Alcoholism!

I am tempted to say I am #2, it seems to fit.

You are a turd???

How about this one:

A Moron is never wrong, just ask him.

I would have to say that Corrijean pegged it again!!!

It gets a little cold here. So, we bring a brandy flask to the games. It's perfectly acceptable to imbibe while doing the Sicilian or the Nimzo.

Just don't overdo a good thing and don't be stingy...share with your opponent, if he forgot his. We are a friendly peeple.

So I get that OP is trolling but...

I started off in my drug addiction in my late teens along with a group of other spirited nerds. That's how I learned how to play in the first place. Years later I was homeless in San Francisco, quite hopelessly addicted to heroin, when I met a grandmaster outside of the SF Public Library. He noticed a book of openings I had managed to find by IA Horowitz and naturally, a series of games ensued.

Now I've only ever been, tops, a 1600 player and oddly enough, that was around the time that I had nothing to do but shoot up in an alley and play chess with whomever would humor me. But this particular GM (whose name I forget, and I wouldn't want to embarrass him even if I did) had a fifth of vodka in his satchel, which he used to refill a plain water bottle at regular intervals. Even in my drug addled state, I was able to progressively gain more ground with each game until I finally beat him. I include this part, not for vanity, but for the sole fact that a 1600 player (who is now not even ranked 1200, might I add) should NEVER be able to defeat a Grandmaster as plainly as I did.

He invited me back to the Mechanic's Institute to give me some lessons on theory. We took separate Muni cars, as I needed to go and get well before I could be of any use to anyone, let alone myself.

When I arrived, he was there. We sat down and he could hardly keep his head up. Another young man entered and asked if either of us would like a game. I gestured to my new friend, the GM. 

One of my biggest motivators for staying clean now is seeing that Grandmaster, whom I had met and played and admired just a few hours before, forget what squares to place his King and Queen on. If addiction could cause this obviously brilliant man to become this absolutely lost so quickly, what would it do to him over time? What would my own vices eventually make of me?

There is no moral to this story and, unlike OPs, it is completely true. Whether or not there is any correlation between addiction and an interest in chess is not for me to speculate. I suppose the closest I can come to being instructive here is that age old adage: the mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Oh boy!