10 best puns of 2008

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight
attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm
positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
 "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
 The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husban d that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd
diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so
bad, it's good)... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally...

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with
the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

There are about a dozen people I have read here at the forums, that do much funnier puns, all the time!

Well excuuuuuusssseee us !!!!!!!  That wasn't very punny

some people can walk into a forum and just take all the pun out

I have heard and read a lot of funny puns! But I don't I have favorites, because there are so many, and they keep coming!

How about you? Favorites?

a fish walks into a bar and the bartender asks "what'll you have?"  "WATER!!!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts

Hmmm...maybe I just expect more from you, planaden

Donald  Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night  together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to  have sex with Daisy.

The  first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a  condom?"

Donald  frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald  that if he didn't get a condom, they could not  have sex.

"Maybe they sell  them at the front desk," she  suggested.  
So  Donald went down to the lobby and asked the  hotel clerk if they had  condoms.

"Yes,  we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from  under the counter and gave it to  Donald.

The  clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit  No!"  Donald quacked, "I'll  thuffocate!"


 

Suddenly, I have doubts that this is actually Sean Connery.

hey, what can i say, it is my favortie "walked into a bar joke".  honestly, there are not that many good walk into a bar jokes to chose from. 

but for what it is worth, sorry to disappoint.  we will just let this not be one of the sometimeses. 

She is much more perceptive than I. It took me about 20 years to figure out what this planet was.

A priest and a giraffe walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this a joke"

a frenchman walks into a bar with a duck on his head. the bartender says, "Where'd you get that" and the duck says," In france, there's millions of 'em"

"A priest, a blond, a duck, and an American walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What, is this a joke?""

 Yep, 'walked into a bar jokes', are rough...

Edit: I guess I was typing while post#20 was going up.

#10 brings back bad memories for me!

While George W. Bush was still in office, he received daily briefings on the Iraq war. One morning, while all the staff was gathered together, Vice-President Cheney reported, "Mr. President, earlier today in Iraq, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." The President cried out, "Oh, my God!", put his face in his hands, and turned away.  Some say they actually heard the  President weeping. Overcome by this rare display of grief, no one dared say a word. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the President gathered his composure, took his face out of his hands, slowly turned around, and quietly asked Cheney, "Just how many is a brazillion?"

I'm definitely not trysts, but here is one.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sure. But why the long face?”

What does &nbsp mean?