CFABD 2: A Naval Nightmare
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Cold open
Brainy: Tank, because you have captured the opponent team’s banner, you are rewarded with a Gold Medal. *rewards Tank*
Tank: But what’s that for?
Brainy: If you think you might be eliminated, you are able to use your medal to halve the votes against you.
Banana: I may have lost a battle, but I haven’t lost the war yet.
Knife: Grrr! It’s this stupid Paper here that made us lose!
Hammer: I agree! She makes moldy bread look edible!
Paper: Actually, you guys lost because your teamwork wa-
Knife: Shut up! You made us lose and blamed it on us?!
Lantern: Actually, Paper was right. You guys lost because your teamwork was terrible! We would’ve won if I was the leader!
Knife: You are no good compared to me!
Brainy: Shh. The challenge is to gather resources, build a boat and make it to the finish line. You can also ram the other boat.
The contest
Ship-building
Brainy: The timer starts… now! *teleports the contestants to an area between the ocean and forest*
1:30:00
Paper: *sketches the blueprint*
Rice Bowl: Bottle and Ice Cream Cone, take a hoodie. You’ll get a task in the cold hull of the ship. *puts hoodies on Bottle and Ice Cream Cone*
Ice Cream Cone: I’m so comfy!
Knife: How about we steal the Iron Shell’s blueprint? Maybe it’ll help us build a better ship!
Lantern: Good idea!
Crown: Do you need my help?
Knife: Finally, I don’t have to bribe Cro-
Crown: ONLY IF YOU GIVE ME $999,999,999 DOLLARS!
Knife: Bruh. He’s always like this.
Rice Bowl: *looks at Paper* Paper, your blueprint was good, but the hull needs windows and some heating.
Paper: I agree. *sketches another blueprint*
Hammer: Knife, I think this is the perfect time to strike.
Knife: *rushes toward Paper with Hammer* Hey, trash! Give me that blueprint or I’ll crush you to smithereens!
Tank: Paper! Take cover! I’ll help you!
Paper: *runs behind Tank*
Tank: *fires a HEAT round at Knife and Hammer*
Brainy: *recovers Knife and Hammer*
Knife: Maybe stealing wasn’t the best option…
Lantern: Knife, can I sketch you a blueprint?
Knife: No! Hammer’s already got a blueprint!
Hammer: We should make a small boat, but weaponize it as much as possible!
Lantern: Actually, there’s more than just weapons. We need to make it fast and stable too!
Knife: Yes, Hammer’s blueprint is fast and stable enough!
Ketchup: I can help you guys! I heard what they’re saying!
Paper: I’m listening.
Ketchup: They said that they’re making a small but extremely weaponized boat!
Paper: Okay, I know what to do. We make a boat that is slightly less weaponized than the Wolves’, but more stable. Those bullies’ boat will collapse in no time!
Rice Bowl: We can’t waste any more time. We must plan ahead of time and gather resources.
1:25:00
Paper: *puts on a scarf* I might have to monitor the hull, so I’m keeping myself warm.
Rice Bowl: Don’t worry, they have hoodies, so they might be calm. See?
Paper: Oh, I understand. But I’m keeping the scarf to look fabulous.
Peach: How dare you call yourself fabulous?! I’m the only fabulous one here!
Bottle & Ice Cream Cone: Hey, guys, can we help you gather wood for the boat?
Paper: Go ahead. Wallet, you monitor them, okay? Make sure they don’t scream.
Rice Bowl: They’re not gonna scream. They have hoodies on.
Hammer: Look! These pesky Iron Shell bastards are gathering wood from the forest! I’m going with them to destroy them and get the precious wood!
Tank: Did Hammer plan to kill our fellow comrades? I can’t let this happen! I’m going to the forest.
Knife: Tank, you’re protecting those weaklings?! We should use the meat-grinder tactic to overwhelm Tank and get the precious wood!
Oil Barrel and Knife went to the forest to protect Hammer and attack Tank.
1:15:00
Wallet: Paper! They’ve gathered a hundred logs of wood.
Paper: Yes! Those are my heroes!
Tank: I see Oil Barrel, Knife and Hammer! Strike! *fires an APFSDS round*
Oil Barrel (slightly damaged): I tanked you, but at what cost?
Knife: We don’t care! We’re not going to bandage you! Now keep attacking!
Oil Barrel: HELP ME!!!
Knife: Shut up, you’re so annoying!
1:00:00
Hammer: I brought 500 logs, Knife.
Ice Cream Cone: And we brought 1,000 logs.
Paper: I’m so happy! Now we can finally build our boat! *hugs Ice Cream Cone and Bottle*
Crown: I’m out of here!
Knife: Wait! I’ll give you $999 million if you help.
Crown: No! Give me that $1 million too!
Knife: We need it.
Crown: You don’t deserve anything, you filthy peasants!
Peach: Peasant? But I’m the most beautiful g-
Lantern: I’ve had enough! Can we calm down and build a boat for ourselves?
Banana: I agree with Lantern! You guys should stop fighting and actually work on the ship!
50:00
Rice Bowl: There’s sand! We were such cowards not to notice them…
Wallet: But where will we be going to find heat?
Paper: We could make fire out of sticks! *rubs sticks and makes a fire*
Rice Bowl: Now, I’m gonna dump the sand into the fire and… *looks at glass* poof! We have it!
Paper: Now we could begin the ship!
Knife: I’ve turned the logs into planks. Now what we’re gonna do is to put the planks in a rectangle frame…
Lantern: That’s a raft, not a bo-
Knife: You don’t have the audacity to speak up against me!
Hammer: I hate Lantern.
Knife: Now, we’re gonna craft oars out of our planks. Who wants to do it?
Lantern: No one.
Crown: I will only do it if you give me $999,999,999!
Knife: Bro, stop bribing! Nobody cares about your stupid bribes!
Hammer: Knife’s right!
Knife: Oil Barrel, Fan and Banana, you guys craft them while I listen to Taylor Swift!
Oil Barrel: But I’m exhausted…
Fan: It’s okay, Oil Barrel. You can do it.
Knife: Oil Barrel, I don’t care if you get exhausted! Craft us intricate oars! We’re better than the Iron Shell!
Paper: Maybe you shouldn’t be that arrogant.
Knife: ARROGANT?! DO I LOOK ARROGANT TO YOU, YOU HYPOCRITICAL BASTARD?! *eyes Oil Barrel, Fan and Banana* Bastards, if you don’t craft the most intricate, intimidating oars, I will make you eat your planks until your last tooth!
Banana: *cries*
Knife: SO WHAT, BANANA?! YOU’RE CRYING NOW?! Quit squirming and get to work!
Paper: Hey guys, the hull frame’s almost complete. Now we need you to make some oars. If you need help, I’m happy to help you.
Ketchup: Yes sir!
Boulder: Yuhs mehm. [Jəs mæm.] (Yes ma’am.)
Paper: Good. Now get to work.
Cactus: Already making some progress.
Paper: *high-fives Cactus*
45:00
Cactus: Hey Paper, I have finished an oar. Can you give me another plank?
Paper: Yeah. *hands another plank to Cactus*
Knife: It’s been five minutes and you guys aren’t even halfway done! I’m gonna eat some chips, and by the time I finish the bag, you better finish your oars!
Oil Barrel: I was injured… you didn’t care for m-
Knife: THAT’S BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE CARED!
Oil Barrel: *cries*
Hammer: Oh, so you’re crying now?! Keep working!
Fan’s mind: There’s nothing we can do… Wait! What if I just sneak to the Iron Shell’s ship?
Fan: *walks towards Paper* Hey Paper! Can I get a job building the Iron Shell’s ship?
Knife: You what?!
Peach: Hey Knife, can I help you make some oars?
Knife: Yes. You better make 100 oars in 1 minute or I will make you eat your planks until your last tooth!
44:00
Knife: Oh my God, Peach! It’s been 1 minute and the oars look horrendous! Eat the planks, bastard!
Peach: No!
Knife: I SAID EAT THE PLANKS!
Peach: I SAID NO!
Knife: Hammer, punish her!
Peach: Fine, I’ll eat the planks!
Knife: Too late buddy.
Paper: Do they really have to be so harsh? Like Fan was struggling to make even one oar in 5 minutes under Knife, but under me she made two oars in 3 minutes!
Hammer: Yeah, two horrendous ones.
Paper: *shows two of Fan’s oars*
Hammer: Nah, she didn’t make it. You’re lying.
Peach: *chokes*
Knife: Choking now?!
Peach: Uh. (Yes.)
Knife: What do you mean “uh”?!
Peach: Uh cuh-huh uh. (I meant yes.)
Knife: Spit it out already!
Peach: Uh guh. (I can’t.)
Tank: *cries* Even warriors cry sometimes…
Paper: Ugh, Knife’s system is so horrendous!
Hammer: You guys are all lying. Knife is like an archangel, bringing kindness and love to his teammates!
Paper: I don’t even know what to say anymore…
30:00
Paper: Finally, we finished the hull. *eyes the Howling Wolves’ rudimentary raft* His poor team members must’ve choked very hard, I feel bad for them.
Knife: Feel bad? Serious? I believe they deserve the choking. *laughs*
Hammer: Same.
Knife: By the way, we haven’t even finished the hull yet!
Hammer: Just use that as our boat. I think we should build nine small rafts as emergency rafts if a hurricane hits – or if the enemy strikes.
Knife: Good idea!
Hammer: By the way, I have to save Peach from choking. *lodges the planks out of Peach by smashing her in the bottom*
25:00
Hammer: Now that everyone’s saved and I’ve built the rafts, it’s time to upgrade the ship!
Knife: I believe that it should be a MASSIVE raft with dragon heads for intimidation.
Crown: Why isn’t there a throne on the deck?! And why are you building it with plebeian materials?!
Knife: Finding gold would waste our time and make us lo-
Crown: I DON’T CARE!
Paper: Guys, the oars and hull are finished. What else are we going to do?
Rice Bowl: Heh, you’re going to collect the leaves from our chopped trees for sails with Wallet and Ketchup. Ice Cream Cone and Bottle, you stay in the hull, okay?
Bottle: But it’s cold there!
Rice Bowl: That’s why you have hoodies on!
Bottle: Oh.
Knife: Oil Barrel, Banana and Peach, you better start carving the dragon heads!
Oil Barrel: But I’m exhausted…
Hammer: We don’t care! Now get to work!
Crown: I’m not helping anyone unless I get a throne to sit in!
Knife: *makes a chair out of logs and planks* Here, Crown, here’s your throne.
Crown: YOU BASTARD! WHY IS MY THRONE MADE OUT OF WOOD AND NOT GOLD AND RUBBER?! ARE YOU A HYPOCRITE?!
Pawn: Why is everyone arguing?
Knife: CROWN, I GAVE YOU A THRONE TO SIT ON! NOW CARVE THE DRAGON HEADS!
Crown: You dictator! You didn’t give me a real throne made out of gold and rubber, so I’m not helping!
Knife: At least it’s better than not having a throne at all! Now get to work or I’ll make you look like a peasant!
Paper: Done! We brought ~10,000 leaves!
Crown: YOU’RE A TYRANT WHO SEEKS POWER FOR YOURSELF, NOT THE MEMBERS! NOW GIVE ME A THRONE OUT OF GOLD, YOU TYRANT!
Knife: I’m not!
20:00
Banana: We finished carving!
Knife: Let me see. It looks horrendous! No way this scares the enemy!
Paper: They are arguing over a throne and a carving while we finished the engine and the sails! Now all we need to do is to build the deck.
Knife: Fan! You’ve done enough, now go back to your team!
Fan: No! The Iron Shell’s too comfortable!
Knife: Hammer! Get Fan to go back!
Hammer: *walks towards Fan* Fan! You better go back or Paper will turn against you!
Fan: Okay…
Knife: Fan, the oars are set up. All we have to do is design a cannon.
Crown: Cannon? That’s too lavish. You only need a bow and arrow, or even a slingshot!
Knife: Says the one who demands a throne to be satisfied.
Banana: While in the forest, I saw a crossbow out there!
Crown: Crossbow? *laughs* Longbows better!
10:00
Paper: Okay. The ship is fully built, now we have to assign roles. I’ll be the sailor. Rice Bowl and Wallet, you’re the police. Make sure everything goes well. Tank, go to the hull. You’ll hit more accurately there. Bottle and Ice Cream Cone, you’re the alarm system. Take these walkie-talkies with you and scream when the enemy strikes. Cactus and Boulder, you work as ship defense. Tank the enemy’s attacks with your bodies. Beanie, you just be Beanie. Ketchup, you’re the navigator. Take this map with you. *hands map to Ketchup and walkie-talkies to Bottle and Ice Cream Cone*
Knife: Okay. They built a cruise, we built a cannon. I’ll be the captain of the ship. Hammer, you’re the navigator. Lantern, Pawn, Peach and Banana, you’re the oarsmen. Oil Barrel, Fan and Pawn, you’re the warriors. And Crown, you’re the herald. You stand on the back and raise my flag.
Crown: Do I look like I like standing on the back with a flag like a peasant?!
Knife: The wind should blow on you first, so you should be happy.
Crown: Fine.
The real contest
Brainy: The contest is to sail your ship from the south side to the north side of the river. You are allowed to ram the other ship. If your ship gets destroyed or if you get to the north side tardier than the opponent, you are up for elimination.
The Howling Wolves’ raft charged at the Iron Shell’s ship.
Crown: Impetum! Impetum! Impetum pro victoria! (Charge! Charge! Charge for the victory!)
Paper: Crown’s Latin singing is so trash. We must accelerate the speed of the boat so that they don’t come.
Tank: While I’m gonna watch for those bastards.
Crown: Omnipotens nobiscum sit et nos adiuvet! (May the Almighty side with us and help us!)
Knife: Oarsmen! Ram faster!
The oarsmen of the Howling Wolves rammed faster.
Tank: I can’t keep up with them! They’re so fast! *fires an APDSFS round*
The round missed the raft.
Tank: *cries* How could I! I can’t believe this!
Rice Bowl: *comes to the hull* Don’t cry, Tank.
Tank: Thank you…
Ketchup: The enemy is just a few dozen meters behind us! Accelerate!
Paper: Ship is accelerating at 50 kilometers per hour.
Crown: Vincimus, vincimus, inimicus peribit. (We are winning, we are winning, the enemy shall perish.)
Ketchup: How about we turn back and knock the enemy raft and win?
Paper: No. I saw the enemy have spears, bows and arrows so they might make a phalanx against the attack.
Bottle: Aaaaah!
Paper: Ketchup, go check the aft.
Ketchup: NO, PAPER, NO! THE ENEMY IS RIGHT BEHIND US! ACCELERATE!
Paper: Ship is now moving at 70 kilometers per hour.
Knife: Attack at max speed!
Peach: But we’re tired!
Knife: I don’t care!
Pawn: Ram! Ram! Ram!
Then, an ocean wave hit. The Iron Shell’s ship was unaffected, however, the Howling Wolves’ oarsmen accelerated at full speed to bypass the wave. Crown fell off the raft, but he used his emergency raft just in time and survived.
Knife: Crown left us in his emergency raft! Another ocean wave will come! Everybody, use your emergency rafts to survive and swarm the Iron Shell’s ship!
Peach: No, why would the most beautiful girl on the multiverse need a spare raft?
Then the other wave hit. The Iron Shell’s ship was unaffected again. The Howling Wolves’ main raft was sunken, but everybody except Peach used their emergency raft and were safe. Peach didn’t use her emergency raft on time and drowned.
Paper: Brainy!
Brainy: *teleports into the ship’s engine room* Yes?
Paper: The Howling Wolves’ raft was destroyed! Do we win?
Brainy: No, they still have rafts. So the game goes on. *teleports away*
Knife: The only thing we can do is to use our oars, ram at max speed and attack the enemy ship.
Oil Barrel: How about shooting my arrows? *shoots his arrows*
All the arrows missed the ship.
Oil Barrel: Aww…
Fan: At least it’s the time to punish Knife!
Fan’s, Oil Barrel’s, Crown’s, Lantern’s and Banana’s rafts swarmed Knife’s raft. Hammer tried to defend Knife, but both rafts were sunken.
Ketchup: PAPER! THERE’S A BIG HURRICANE COMING!
Paper: No! My ship!
The hurricane sweeps the Iron Shell’s ship, only leaving Paper, who parachuted safely on Crown’s raft. Crown then knocked Paper off his raft, and the Howling Wolves won.
Brainy: *recovers Knife, Hammer, Peach and every Iron Shell member* Therefore, the Howling Wolves won the ship-building contest!
Paper: That’s not fair, duh! We had a real ship while they had a wooden raft! And we were faster than them!
Brainy: I do not care! If your ship sinks, your team loses and is up for elimination!
Paper: But why?
Voting
Brainy: Contestants, vote for an Iron Shell member that you want to eliminate. Knife!
Knife: I vote Paper, because the Iron Shell would be like heaven without her!
Brainy: Hammer.
Hammer: I vote Tank, because he tried to kill us!
Brainy: Crown.
Crown: I’m voting Rice Bowl. He’s way too chill for a contest!
Brainy: Peach.
Peach: I’m voting Paper, since she said the word ‘fabulous’!
Brainy: Lantern.
Lantern: I’m voting Beanie, since she did nothing for her team!
Brainy: Pawn.
Pawn: I’m voting Paper, since I want power!
Banana: I’m voting Beanie, since I never saw her do anything at all!
Oil Barrel: I’m voting Beanie too.
Fan: And I’m voting Beanie like you guys, since she never helped Paper make oars.
Brainy: It is time for the Iron Shell to vote for who gets eliminated.
Paper: I’m so glad Beanie exists. I’m voting Beanie because she did nothing to help!
Rice Bowl: Beanie.
Tank: Everyone, vote Beanie!
Beanie: I don’t care…
Wallet: Beanie never helped us!
Ketchup and Cactus: We’re all voting Beanie!
Brainy: Beanie, what is your vote?
Beanie: I don’t care, but I’m voting Ice Cream Cone since she’s weak.
Elimination
Brainy: The votes are cast. Ketchup, Cactus, Bottle, Wallet and Boulder, you are safe with 0 votes. *awards cookies to Ketchup, Cactus, Bottle, Wallet and Boulder*
Boulder: Oym looky zee dint vood fuh meh. [Ojm lukʰɪ zɪ dint vut fɚ mɛ.] (I’m lucky they didn’t vote for me.)
Brainy: Ice Cream Cone, Rice Bowl and Tank are safe with one vote. *awards cookies to Ice Cream Cone, Rice Bowl and Tank*
Ice Cream Cone: Finally.
Brainy: Paper is safe with 3 votes. *awards cookie to Paper*
Paper: *smiles*
Brainy: And Beanie is eliminated with 13 votes! *sends Beanie to the Losers’ Booth*
Paper: Told ya! You should’ve helped us.
Remaining contestants: Knife, Crown, Hammer, Lantern, Pawn, Peach, Oil Barrel, Banana, Fan, Paper, Rice Bowl, Wallet, Tank, Bottle, Ice Cream Cone, Boulder, Cactus and Ketchup