How to Secure a Valentine for Next Year (Or Die Trying) - Chess Forums

BigBoyzz3443

Feb 14, 2025

0

#1

Romantically challenged individuals, Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and some of us are left with nothing but discount chocolate and existential dread. But fear not! I have devised a master plan to ensure that by this time next year, you are not sitting alone watching rom-coms ironically.

Here are some foolproof (or just foolish) strategies:

1) Hit the Gym – Not just for the aesthetics, but confidence. Plus, nothing says romance like casually lifting something heavy while making painful eye contact with a stranger.
2) Develop a Signature Scent – Be memorable. Whether it’s a cologne, natural pheromones, or just smelling like freshly baked cookies, people will associate you with warmth and desire.
3) Master the Art of Conversation – If you can’t be hot, be funny. If you can’t be funny, at least don’t be weird. Actually, a little weird is good. Controlled weird. Like "I collect cool rocks" weird, not "I have a bunker" weird.
4) Learn a Skill That’s Unreasonably Attractive – Cooking, playing an instrument, knowing weird but useful trivia. Impress them with your ability to do something slightly better than average.
5) Get a Dog – This is 100% cheating. Dogs = instant charisma buff. Just don’t borrow someone else’s dog and pretend it’s yours. That’s creepy.
6) Be a Mysterious Brooding Loner – If rom-coms have taught us anything, it’s that staring out of windows dramatically in the rain is a power move.
7) Just Ask Someone Out – Revolutionary concept, I know. But sometimes, just being direct is the way to go.
8) Start a Business and Get Rich – If romance fails, capitalism prevails. Nothing says "dateable" like generational wealth.
9) Become a Local Legend – Help an old lady cross the street in a way that gets recorded and goes viral. Start a whisper campaign about how cool you are. If people say, “Oh, you haven’t heard about them?”—you’ve won.
10) Upgrade Your Wardrobe – No one has ever said, "Wow, I was really into them, but then they started dressing better, and I lost interest."
11) Acquire a Nemesis – Nothing builds character like rivalry. If someone sees you dueling your arch-nemesis in a dark alley with dramatic lighting, they'll at least be curious.
12) Learn to Dance (Or at Least Pretend) – If you can do one good move, like The Dip™ or a perfectly executed twirl, you’re instantly 30% more attractive.
13) Make a Grand Romantic Gesture, but Not Too Grand – Think boombox outside the window, but at a reasonable volume. Maybe a handwritten letter, but one that doesn't look like you wrote it in a candlelit basement.
14) Don’t Look for Love, Lest You Find the Wrong Thing – This one’s for the philosophers in the back. Desperation is unattractive. Focus on yourself, and the right person will stumble into your orbit (hopefully not literally, but hey, meet-cutes happen).
Good luck, comrades. May next year be the year of not being single! 🚀❤️

(I have every intention of expanding this list over time so uhh give me your tips if you have any!)