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"I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
"My wife has gone to the West Indies"
"No, she went of her own accord!"
A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”
A guy is packing up after a successful fishing trip when the park ranger comes along and catches him.
Keeping his cool, the guy throws out a line that the fish in his cooler are his pets, and every weekend he lets them swim free in the creek. After about ten minutes he calls them back and they jump into the cooler to head home.
The ranger smiles derisively and says, "Ok, why don't you show me then."
The fisherman gladly complies.
He takes each one out of the cooler and puts them gently into the water. They can be seen swimming off into the murky water.
After a few minutes the ranger says, "alright, call them back." He's grinning even more maniacally as he's about to reel in his catch.
"Your "pet" fish, call 'em back."
"Pet fish? Hell, I don't have any fish. You can check my cooler."
The fisherman was the one grinning on the way home, while the park ranger would always remember the one that got away.
The chicken ate lots of corn and started to dance. Why?
To sh*t some popcorn
Question: How many men does it take to open a beer?
Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.
“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.
Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”
God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”
“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much”, asked Adam.
“An arm and leg”, God replied.
Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”
The rest is history.
in the beginning was the word "alapeanutbutterandjellysandwiches!!!"
and so the universe was formed.
then god made man and figured "what the heck went wrong there ???" (god scratches head) and had another shot. the rest as they say is history (i think monty python had the story).
Wife walks downstairs to see her husband with his head in his hands at the kitchen table, sobbing.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
Husband: " Do you remember that day, 20 years ago when your Dad told me I'd have to marry you or go to jail?"
Husband: "I would've been out today."
Why do old men die before their wives do?
They want to.
Do married men really live longer than single men?
No, it just seems longer.