Jokes

If anyone has any funny jokes,puns,and/or riddles,please post them here!

What did the phone give his fiancee when he proposed?

What /hears a math joke for ya What did the acorn say when it grew up ?

two cannibals are eating a clown...one turns to the other and asks..."does this taste funny to you?"

 I don't know...what?

 What did it say?

 ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 men were walking along a street. 2 of them walked into a bar.

The other ducked!

A neutron walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink.  He then asks the bartender "How much?"  The bartender then says "For you, no charge."

one more science joke?   Two atoms were talking to eachother.  One said "I think I lost an electron!"  The second one said "Are you sure?"  And the first atom said "Yes I'm positive!"

This is a weird one but here goes:

How do you get a boy off of his bicycle?

You throw a fridge at him!

lol

why did the turkey cross the road?

it was the chicken's day off

"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool." 

glad u like it then

Here's one I made today. If you know Aviation and a bit about culinary you'll get the joke....

A Pilot's plane is going down so he pull out his cell phone and calls his wife who's a Chef...

Pilot: Honey...My Yoke is broken and one of my wings is gone. I'm in a roll with one air foil.

Chef: Oh honey, don't worry...

Pilot: DON'T WORRY? I'm going down.

Chef: If your yolk is broken just get another egg.

Pilot: WHAT?

Chef: Just make another egg. And the Grocery Store is just around the corner...just go and get some more Chicken Wings, your aluminum foil and whatever else.

Pilot: NO NO...I'M LOSING MY PLANE

Chef: Honey...the plain doughnuts are right in the cupboard....Look honey, I have to go... I have hungry people to serve *hangs up*

Pilot: NO!!! don't go. I LOVE YOU!!! AHHH!!! *CRASH*

Chef: *Evil Smile* Now where were we, handsome?

Man on the side: You were just telling my how you were going to get your husband out of the picture...

wow nice

Iv'e got a few good ones. Here it goes. Enjoy!

                                       #1 Hilarious Bar Joke.

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

                                                        #2

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

                                              #3 A Redneck Joke

A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!