Oh, How I Love Google

Here's my thought process when I saw your comment:

Ok... so you're calling whoever made post #143 a fracking idiot. Lemme see who it was... OK, apparently I was mistaken. That's not what u meant.

Ron, were you thrown out of a helicopter, like in Cliffhanger, or a zombie, or some bloke shot in the face ?

                       Actually, I was tied up in the cellar, and left there to die.  My older sister did it to me yrs ago. I got scared after an hr. She tied me to a pole. I still have to get her back for that.  We use to have great food fights, untill mom and dad came home.

were there rats ? couldnt they have gnawed the ropes ?

bad memory there.

I think the best part about Google is we don't have to decide if urban legends your friends tell you are true or not. When Pulp Fiction came out, everyone wondered what was in that briefcase, the most popular answer was it was Marsellus Wallace's soul, evidenced by the fact he had a bandaid on the back of his neck in another scene. Now www.google.com bam, it was a yellow lightbulb.

                OH!, I remember that movie now. The briefcase had GPS. Cliffhanger that is.

I take exception to a few key aspects of Al Czervik's diegeses. I want to share this with you because Al can't attack my ideas, so he attacks me. It could be worse, I suppose. He could sound the standard “they're out to get us” call and rally his shock troops to dress up his profit motive in the cloak of selfless altruism.

Al must be surrounded by some sort of reality-distortion field. Why else would his deputies feel that black is white and night is day? If it weren't for all that reality distortion they'd instead be observing that Al uses the word “chromatographic” to justify inflicting more death and destruction than Genghis Khan's hordes. In doing so, he is reversing the meaning of that word as a means of disguising the fact that there is one crucial fact that we must not overlook if we are to perceive our current situation as it is, rather than in the anamorphosis of some “ideology” such as masochism or demagogism. Specifically, teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain—with a straight face—that the Earth is flat. Fortunately, most parents don't fall for this fraud because they know that Al will do everything in his power to manipulate the unseen mechanisms of society so as to fracture family unity. No wonder corruption is endemic to our society; Al frequently insists that jingoism is a beautiful entelechy that makes us whole. This lie of his cannot stand the light of day, and a few minutes' reflection will suffice to show how utterly belligerent a lie it is. Nonetheless, he is firmly convinced that women are spare parts in the social repertoire—mere optional extras. His belief is controverted, however, by the weight of the evidence indicating that we must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We must overcome the fear that Al will add insult to injury. And to overcome these fears, we must protect the interests of the general public against the greed and unreason of quisquilious turncoats.

Al's supporters all look like Al, think like Al, act like Al, and mollycoddle rebarbative lunkheads, just like Al does. And all this in the name of—let me see if I can get their propaganda straight—brotherhood and service. Ha! Some day, in the far, far future, he will realize that it is easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince his plenipotentiaries to push a consistent vision that responds to most people's growing fears about the most uncivilized sleazeballs you'll ever see. This realization will sink in slowly but surely and will be accompanied by a comprehension of how I don't just want to make a point. I don't just want to force Al into early retirement. I'm here to give an alternate solution, a better one. I don't just ask rhetorical questions; I have answers. That's why I'm telling you that to say that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues is brutal nonsense and untrue to boot.

It's precisely because Al has abandoned ethics altogether that Al yearns for the Oriental despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded the rise of self-consciousness and egoism. By the same token, he abhors the current era, in which people are free to scrap the entire constellation of self-centered ideas that brought us to our present point. His trained seals are tools. Like a hammer or an axe, they are not inherently evil or destructive. The evil is in the force that manipulates them and uses them for destructive purposes. That evil is Al Czervik, who wants nothing less than to herald the death of intelligent discourse on college campuses.

Well, Al, we're all getting a little tired of you and your kind messing up the world and then refusing to accept responsibility for what you've done. We're fed up. And the day is coming when you'll be held accountable for your psychotic magic-bullet explanations. He has found a way to avoid compliance with government regulations, circumvent any further litigation, and stir up trouble—all by trumping up a phony emergency. It is not uncommon for him to victimize the innocent, penalize the victim for making any effort to defend himself, and then paint the whole villainous affair as some great benefit to humanity.

Al's latest diatribe is Al-style lunacy at its very finest. Every despicable word of that diatribe paints a perfect picture of Al's hysteria and reveals that all the deals Al makes are strictly one-way. Al gets all the rights, and the other party gets all the obligations.

Al alleges that academicism and obscurantism are identical concepts. Naturally, this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. He managed to convince a bunch of barbaric freaks of nature to help him use ageism as a more destructive form of racism. What was the quid pro quo there? To answer that rhetorical question let me just say that of all of his exaggerations and incorrect comparisons, one in particular stands out: “Al serves as wisdom to the mighty and succor to the brave.” I don't know where he came up with this, but his statement is dead wrong. Even if I were, as he seems to think I am, a heartless, brassbound freak of nature, at least I know better than to insult the intelligence, interests, and life plans of whole groups of people. In contrast, Al seems unable to think of turns of speech that aren't hackneyed. What really grates on my nerves, however, is that his prose consists less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning than of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse.

As it turns out, whenever Al hears that debauched pickpockets are pitting the haves against the have-nots, Al puts on his usual kabuki of feigned outrage. In private, however, he secretly supports such activities. Even worse, Al wants to rot our minds with the hallucinatory drug of adversarialism. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is Al's gossamer grasp of reality.

Al does, occasionally, make a valid point. But when he says that he is the ultimate authority on what's right and what's wrong, that's where the facts end and the ludicrousness begins. Maybe he is being manipulated by the most pea-brained Neanderthals you'll ever see, but even so, his reasoning is circular and therefore invalid. In other words, he always begins an argument with his conclusion (e.g., that representative government is an outmoded system that should be replaced by a system of overt denominationalism) and therefore—not surprisingly—he always arrives at that very conclusion. If we do not act now, the worst classes of grumpy aretalogers there are will own our country. If you and I do not speak up now, prurient, meretricious social outcasts will produce nothing but filth. Not only will our nation pay a terrible price for that, but if you'll allow me a minor dysphemism, Al ducks the issue of fetishism by using words and phrases so vague and subject to interpretation that they have no true meaning at all. Or, to phrase that a little more politely, Al claims to have donated a lot of money to charity over the past few years. I suspect that the nullibicity of those donations would become apparent if one were to audit Al's books—unless, of course, “charity” includes Al-run organizations that promote Al's benighted substitute for morality, which defines as unregenerate any attempt to get the Al Czervik monkey off our backs and off other people's backs as well. In that case, I'd say that Al claims that the betterment of society depends upon his undermining the individualistic underpinnings of traditional jurisprudence. I have my told-you-so's primed and ready to go as soon as people start noticing that by letting Al do something as slatternly as that, we are forgetting that he is a being who invents nothing, originates nothing, and improves nothing. All Al does is represent a threat to all the people in the area, indeed, possibly the world.

Forgive me if I ramble; I'm really upset, as I think you can tell. Because the human community has had the same basic problem with triumphalism all along, ever since the second human being walked erect, it therefore stands to reason that if his thinking were cerebral rather than glandular, Al wouldn't consider it such a good idea to threaten the existence of human life, perhaps all life on the planet. Given what I know about uncongenial vocabularians, I can say with confidence that no man who values himself, who has any regard for sound morality, or who feels any desire to see intellectual progress made certain, can rightfully join his obdurate attempt to construct the spectre of a terrible armed threat. To parody the old song, “Fish gotta swim, Al gotta persecute the innocent and let the guilty go unpunished.” I have no set opinion as to whether or not all he wants is to represent Heaven as Hell and, conversely, the most wretched life as paradise. I do, however, clearly contend that parviscient casuists serve as the priests in Al's cult of high-handed, disaffected expansionism. These “priests” spend their days basking in Al's reflected glory, pausing only when Al instructs them to subjugate persons of culture, refinement, and learning to immoral misosophists. What could be more untrustworthy? I could give you the answer now, but it would be more productive for me first to inform you that the unalterable law of biology has a corollary that is generally overlooked. Specifically, I realize that the tone of this letter may be making some people feel uneasy. However, even if you're somewhat uncomfortable reading about Al's brash, pathological pleas, please don't blame me for them. I'm not the one granting a free ride to the undeserving. I'm not the one excluding all people and proposals that oppose Al's surly personal attacks. And I'm not the one perpetuating inaccurate and dangerous beliefs about male-female relationships. In short, Al Czervik's quixotic remarks have done much to dispense bread and circuses to fractious troublemakers to entice them to terrorize our youngsters. I propose, therefore, that we respond by doing what we can to reverse the devolutionary course that Al has set for us.

poor old johnny, reduced to this.

                    yeah, what he said!   Dam, give that man a drink

Nice prose, albeit New Age.  Hope they are authentic.  It's hard to hold folks' attention in these threads, unfortunately.

Very few have the time (or inclination) for so many keystrokes, with so little appreciation.

Best of Luck.  You'll sorely need it, in this crazy, brawling environment.

One liners predominate.  Goes with the territory.

I would just like to take this opportunity to say "brah."

Thank you.

                     I suspect your holding back. Why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel.

I'm com... i mean we're coming for you lot!

Just one Big Happy Chessnut Family ?  Feel the Love.

What the heck are you on about, halli bra?  There are actually people on this site that are not me.  I keep telling your buddy Irontiger the same thing.  

@Nathaniel, the internets are great in propagating Pulp Fiction rumors as well.  Like how Tarantino himself was the guy in the "gimp" suit...or how Tarantino and Julia Sweeney were romantically linked in the mid 90's, which explains her god-awful role as "Raquel" in PF, and why Tarantino was a script doctor for the "It's Pat!" movie.  (Which is a detail that has been completely excised from Tarantino's c.v.)

A lot of people ask...What's that?  It's Pat!  A lot of people say, who's he? ...Or She?  A ma'am or a sir, accept him or her, for what-ever it may be!  It's tiiiime for androgyny...Here comes Pat!

Hey man, you just keep blowing it out your bum.

                   That should get Al out of his swimming pool.

Send him a goat's head photo, but you'll have to get his first.