Principles for Living a Good Life

Oh excuse me but I still don't disagree, what kind of counsellor is that? The counsellor I would prefer would absolutely not pursue you toward forgiving the abuser (come on, seriously?!), but bring into light, if there are any, components of your own guilt, judging yourself, accusing yourself, blaming yourself about what has happened. THAT's what you need to work on to start the healing process.

Like, if your father was verbally abusive, the thing to work on is erasing any thoughts that he was right simply because he's your father. If your husband beats you, the thing to work on is erasing any thoughts of guilt like "well, I really shouldn't have burnt the meal" and build your own self-worth, or if some has sexually harrased you, work on erasing thoughts like "I really shouldn't have worn that skirt" or "not smile at him in that bar". NOT forgiving the abuser!

Seriously, change your counsellor. I'm honestly not telling this to trash-talk.

I had a wonderful counsellour, and I agree, I did have to come to a point where I realized it wasn't my fault that my dad treated me the way he did - it was his choice.  When I came there, I stopped belittling myself.  I realized I was worth more than what I thought before.  This did help in my confidence.

But the anger was another issue.  The best way to heal the anger is to forgive.  That is my belief, and it has worked in my life.  I have seen it work in many other's lives also.  If we never learn to forgive, we carry a burden of bitterness that seems to never go away.  My anger took years to overcome, and I finally overcame it when I began to practice forgiveness in my dad's life.  Obviously, if he would have continued with the cursing, I don't think it would be wise to remain around him.  But he didn't.  This is my personal experience, and I have seen it work in other's lives.  You don't have to accept it, but it is a proven method.  

I don't know if forgiveness is something you can just magically make happen either.  I remember constantly saying, "I forgive my dad"...but the anger was still there.  It was almost like I was trying to convince myself of it, or something.  How to deal with the anger?  Part of it was what you said - realizing that what he said about me was not true.  I came to terms with that, and it did make me happier.  But the forgiveness gave me peace, and power over bitterness that at one point in my life was beginning to consume me.  

Well, I don't have anything else to add into this discussion really, if you're happy with the things are, then glad your method has worked for you. But I think otherwise, and wouldn't suggest forgiveness to anyone who has gone through abuse unless there are very specific circumstances present.

Oh maybe one last point. Why is it assumed that "inner peace" is healthy anyway? I mean, there's all this shit going on in the world, there's all this shit we're going through individually in our lives, why should we have "peace" in the first place? (By shit, I mean, unjust shit.) Maybe it's something different we should seek. Maybe, it's more healthy to try to change that shit into something better, with whatever means that motivate us, of which, anger, contempt etc are important parts.

Or, maybe, "inner peace" is something that can go along with anger and indignance (or whatever "negative" feeling one has when they're wronged, or treated unjustly), maybe it's precisely the reaction, and the struggle to change the way things that cause that indignance and anger, is what can bring "inner peace".

Excuse my french, btw, I'm in a shitty mood.

Me and my wife discussed what you said about the counsellors.  In her childhood, she went through multiple counsellors...I had a few myself, but not the number that she had.  The first thing all counsellors told her was that first, she must forgive those who wronged her.  She had an extremely terrible childhood - much rougher than mine.  She was stripped from her family at the age of two - I won't go into the details, but at least say that her story is something you would probably see on Lifetime Movie Channel.  Learning to forgive those who harmed her, she has had more peace with her own life.

I understand that there are things in this world that are unjust - I couldn't agree more with you.  But I don't have to let that control my emotions.  I can choose to be mad, or frustrated, fed up, etc. with the "way things are".  Corrupt governments, like you mentioned, is just one example.  People suffering in this world everyday.  There is a huge list of things.  There are some things that are simply out of my hands.  That doesn't mean that I don't choose to try to help - whenever I can, I help in what ways I am able.  We all have the potential to do so much.

But what I can do, in my own life, is accept first that I ultimately don't have control of my own over what others do.  What is unjust is unjust, and I don't like it.  But I don't have to let it strip me of my peace.

Remember when we were kids, and it seemed like nothing mattered?  All that mattered was going outside and riding a bike, or climbing a tree, or playing basketball, etc.  The real world seemed like something distant, something out of a storybook.  We saw things on the news, but maybe didn't really get what was going on.  And we were peaceful.  

This may sound fantastical, but there is a seed of truth in it.  We can still have that same peace today that we had at one point in our life.  We let things outside of our control affect our mood.  First, we have to realize that there are some things we cannot change.  Second, we have to realize what we can do something about.  I may not be able to change what is happening in Egypt right now.  I could buy a plane ticket, fly over there, and tell them all that everything will be alright.  I don't know if that will change much.  But, there are things I can do.  I try everyday to tell people I meet to have a wonderful day, take a moment to listen to them when they are having a problem, and try to offer sound advice if possible.  If I have something I can give them to help them, I will.  These may be small things, but they are things I can do.  And I have inner peace knowing that these things, I can change. 

I hope you have a better day tomorrow - take the time to find one thing that you truly love, and just think about it for a little while.  Maybe it will help brighten your day!  

Today, 2-11-11, I would like to discuss a bit more complex idea.  Not something that is hard to think about - we all try this one normally.  

Think December 31st...what are many people doing?  I know, people are saying "PARTY!" - While that is true, that wasn't the answer I was looking for!   I was referring to New Years' Resolutions.  Often, people choose New Year's Day as a day they want to achieve something.  Maybe they want to quit smoking, lose weight, gain muscle...there is a crazy long list of things that people might want to do.  And they make a resolution to do it.

Often, these resolutions come to nought.  For some reason, the person gives up.  They had an idea of what they wanted to do with their life, but were not able to see it all the way through.

I would like to give this post a chess-flavored theme - it is like playing a game of chess.  We resolve that we are going to quit playing foolish mistakes, like attacking prematurely, or sacking pieces recklessly, etc.  But in the moment, we cannot resist!  We must continue with what we've always done, even though a part of us says, "NO!"

When we can see that there is something in life we want to improve upon, it is easy to envision an end result.  Starting position - I weigh XYZ pounds.  End result - I want to lose AB pounds by March.  We may not even give ourselves a guidepost to follow (daily exercise regime, sensible menu to eat from, commitment to not eating high-fat foods, etc.).  Or we may create something drastic (grapefruit-only diet).  We may actually create something sensible to follow (daily exercise regime, sensible menu to eat from, commitment to not eating high-fat foods, etc.).

The next step is following through with what we have.  We need to know who we are.  One reason why people fail at this step is that they aren't truly ready.  They want to do it, but just aren't to the point where it truly matters.  Another reason is that they are doing it for someone else.  Unless you decide to improve for yourself, you will find yourself frustrated if the other person isn't impressed, or doesn't feel as strong about it as you do.  Change must be a personal decision, and we have to be able to see it through ourselves.  

It is important to set a goal for ourselves.  Back to chess.  Let's say I am a 1500, and I want to make 2000.  What are some realistic goals?  There are plenty of people to give good advice - I would first seek counsel from someone who is above 2000, to see how they did it.  I know, there are some who are natural-born 2500 players (or so it seems!).  But there are some who have to put in work, study, etc.  It takes time, commitment.  We need to see if it is a realistic goal for our lives.  At one point, this was a goal in my life, and I even studied under Viktor Gavrikov for a short period.  But I finally realized that chess was not life.  It was a game meant to give life pleasure, and a tool with which I could meet many wonderful people and have fun along the way.  I abandoned my goal for a more realistic one - have fun, grow little by little, win some, learn from my mistakes, and make new friends.  I didn't have the time in life to continue in my goal, so I shifted into a more realistic goal for me.  The latter goal was envisioned AFTER my first goal was found to be unrealistic for me - sometimes the best inventions are invented after a few flops!

So, my encouragement is that if you have a goal in life, somewhere you want to improve, first, consider the cost.  How much time is this going to cost you?  Do you have that time available?  Are you doing this for yourself, and what are you seeking to accomplish with it?  Is it worth the cost?

There may be more questions, but you need to know for sure that it is something worth investing time in, and that the end result is going to benefit you.  Second, you need to set up a system in which you will work through your plan and not give up.  It is easy to buy a gym-pass.  It is hard to go 2-3x a week for 52 weeks.  Make sure you are planning on following through!

Third, begin to enjoy the rewards that you are reaping.  Don't expect immediate success.  As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.  Also, chess isn't learned in a day.  Most of the time, good things in life must be worked for.  

I encourage you, if you do have anything in life that you wish to improve upon, don't think you cannot do it.  Take time to consider the cost, and if you can see it through, and that it is a realistic goal, I believe that you will totally enjoy your results!

I have also begun posting these ideas on Facebook in my notes section, and I am going to begin creating blogs around this series of "Principles" posts - that way, if anyone wants to access them individually, they will be found on my page 

Ouch. I'm guessing... female?

Rather than legal or tactical, the kind of forgiveness the OP is talking about is emotional or - dare I say it - spiritual. It doesn't have to involve God, but for many peope it does. It's saying, "you've hurt me in some way, but I'm willing to put that behind us and let go of the negative emotions I'm feeling and move on with my life." It does not preclude remedies for damage done to you. It doesn't mean that you have have anything to do with that person after you forgive them.

Well put electricpawn. I am an atheist, and I still can agree with the utility of forgiveness when understood in that manner.

I want to thank all of you for continuing to post positive messages regarding the subject matter.  I know we all see things differently, so I do appreciate that in spite of that, we discuss tastefully.  It means a lot to me!  I will continue from time to time to post more original ideas - in the meantime, if anyone feels like they would like to post an original idea, you are more than welcome.  I want this forum to be open for positive discussion - a place where people can read ideas that might inspire them, and be able to share some of their own. 

Today is 2-15-11.  First, I want to wish everyone a belated Valentine's Day!  Second, I want to discuss further the concept of forgiveness, and the physical connections that can develop between unforgiveness and illness.

I am currently reading a book called "Stories of Supernatural Healings" (Roth & Josef).  I am not going to discuss the supernatural things written in this book, if you like, you can order it.  I will discuss those in further detail in my blog on Biblical Principles.

Here, I only want to discuss the connection between forgiveness and health, and I want to quote a piece of the book that I found very interesting.  This excerpt comes from Chapter 5, and is written by Dr. Art Mathias, under the headings "The Effects of Toxic Emotions":

"Recent research  has suggested a possible scientific explanation for the close connections between toxic emotions and illness.  Everyone has experienced the way the body reacts to stress.  Stress causes adrenalin to spike each time we become emotional.  When adrenalin spikes, the muscles tense, the heart rate increases and digestion stops.  There are over 1,400 different chemical and neuro-hormonal responses that occur during emotional stress.

These reactions make up the "fight or flight response" - our inborn survival reaction.  It is what enables us to run away from danger or confront problem situations.  The fight or flight response is activated to the greatest degree during panic states and rage reactions, and to a lesser degree when we experience ordinary fear and anger in daily life. 

Recently researchers have found that it is even activated when we experience milder emotions such as worry, anxiety, frustration, or resentment.  Toxic emotions have been scientifically proven through hundreds of studies to affect our bodily processes."

He ends this final statement with a footnote: He references his material from a book he wrote called "Biblical Foundations of Freedom" (Dr. Art Mathias), and he mentions further info can be found at www.akwellspring.com.

I could almost not write anything else in this blog, as the small excerpt said so much, except to sum it up, from my point of view.  Everyone of us has probably gotten so mad, or so worked up, at times in our life, that we felt sick to our stomach.  It is easy to do.  We don't realize the harmful affects that stress have on our body.  

I noticed three main principles concerning stress - past, present and future.  Past - stressing over things in the past, things that hurt you, things that you cannot go back and change, yet you feel antagonized over.  Present - someone currently treating you in a fashion you don't think you deserve, or a situation you feel is unfair, causing stress in your life.  Future - anticipating things that are going to happen that are CURRENTLY stressing you out!

STRESS - STRESS - STRESS....why give up so much of your joy to a situation that is likely out of your hands?  Why suffer because there are things that you cannot control?  

There is an old saying (kind of modifying it a bit here) - When you have the ability to change something, change it.  When you don't, don't let it change you.  

I hope that if there is something in your life, past, present or future, that is stressing you out, maybe even making you sick, that you can find the time to find forgiveness and peace in your heart.  Have a wonderful day!

Thanks dajacca!

Today is 2-17-11.  I want to discuss a simple principle that sometimes we neglect in part, or altogether.  We forget about how others feel, and get wrapped into our own world, our own situation, and have less compassion on other's feelings.

I want to talk about selfishness.  Here is the dictionary definition for SELFISHNESS - devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. - characterized by or manifesting concern or care only foroneself: selfish motives.

I think we all like to think of ourselves as nice people.  Granted, there are those who don't care, and I hope that one day, they too can taste how good it is to do something nice for someone else.  But all of us (me included!) have to deal with selfishness in our lives.

A quick scenario - I want to go home and watch the "big game", and I find my neighbor knocking on my door with an urgent need.  Do I push my neighbor away, telling them that now is not a good time - don't they know the big game is on?  

What if that was me in that situation?  Would I want someone to tell me to come back later, when the "big game" was off?

Let's knock it back a notch or two - I'm driving in traffic, and I've gotta get there now!  I see someone who just needs over in my lane - but I refuse to allow them to come over, because I am only thinking about myself.

I know, there are times when you can't afford time, but what does it hurt to let someone over?  You have eased the flow of traffic for everyone behind that person, made their day a bit easier, and it cost you around 5 seconds of your time.  Not a big sacrifice, eh?

Maybe at work - who is going to do the thing no one wants to do?  Not me - someone else can do it!  Is this selfishness or what?

I know, I keep bringing up examples - we all encounter situations in life.  Consider this - if we all sought to be unselfish, traffic flow would be smoother, jobs would get done at work, and people would help others during the big game.  But let's face it - that isn't how real life goes.  People continue to be selfish, while waiting on the world to change, and griping how it doesn't change.

That leaves it up to you and me.  It is up to you and me to decide if today, we are going to be selfish, or if we are going to sacrifice a few seconds here, a minute there, to help someone else in need.  It is time WELL SPENT helping others in need. 

I may not be able to make the world be more unselfish, but I can make the choice to be unselfish, and in so doing, I help the world become a better place.

I hope this helps - have a wonderful day!

Today is 2-28-11.  Admittedly, it has been quite busy for me!  But that is just fine, all things in due time.

Today I want to discuss making a change in our lives for the better.  Many times, we struggle with this.  There is a battle that happens, more often than not, on the inside - in our mind and in our feelings.  We may blame others on the outside, or circumstances, for why we don't change, or we may give less value to something than it deserves.

My wife and I watched a good movie last night, "From Homeless To Harvard".  It was on the Lifetime Movie Network, and it depicted a brilliant young girl born into a home with an equally brilliant father and a mentally disturbed mother.  The family life was terribly discouraging.  Her mother had severe drug issues, schizophrenia, and eventually, she got AIDS from continued needle abuse.  Her father simply lacked drive - for all the intelligence he had ("he was answering basically every Jeapordy! question"), he had no drive.  And that left this bright young girl lost in a world where she felt that was the normal way to live.  She ate out of dumpsters, she went to school without taking baths, wearing dirty clothes...the list went on.

Finally, to fast forward, her mother died.  She began to realize that she had to make a decision for herself, and she decided to enroll into a school that could really help her do something with her life.  It was tricky, because at this time, she was homeless.  To proceed, she had to find her father, who could provide the school with an address and a phone number.  Truthfully, it wasn't really their address - it was the address of one of her friends.  He lived in a shelter, and she didn't have a home.  But she convinced him to help her, and he did.  

Furthermore, she had barely had any schooling at all before then, but she was ready to cram 4 years of high school into two, at the same time working a job!  Her life was driven by drive to pull herself out of the hell that she was raised in.

Her school counsellour began to tell her about Harvard, and after meticulously searching, she began to come across a scholarship that could help her achieve this goal.  In the end, she was awarded the scholarship - she went to Harvard - she achieved her goal.  To do so, she had to make a life change - she had to make a decision to quit living the old life, and decide to make that change in her life.

I also would like, for a moment, to testify about a piece of my life, that, while maybe not to the same contrast as this story, my story has pieces of this story wrapped in it as well.

I grew up in a broken home.  My dad was physically disabled by the time I was 5-6 (honestly, there are still pieces of my childhood that are a blur).  My mom was mentally handicapped, and schizophrenic.  I remember watching her get in fights with herself, even cussing herself out at times.  I never remember those two ever saying "I love you" to each other - always fighting and yelling.  They became divorced by the time I was around 6 (like I said, a blur).  I remember the turmoil of that divorce - my mom and dad were going to seperate parts of the state.  I remember telling my aunt, around that age, that I wanted to slit my throat - I was full of anger and confusion.  

My grandmother had to make a choice to either keep me in Pikeville, where I had a lot of family (she was taking care of my mom, and still is, to this day), or to send me to Lexington to live with my dad, where I had better educational opportunities.  She chose my dad, and I went to a world where I knew no one.  It was just me and my dad.  Everyone made fun of me at school for my accent, and I quickly was lost.  I did have some friends in the trailer park that I grew up in, but school was a living nightmare for me.  I was, by far, the biggest outcast in the class, each year.  

During the elementary years, (3-5), I managed to hold together - I still got good grades, around a 3.5-3.8.  I even was enrolled into an honors program called Quest for my good grades.

At home, I couldn't find the right kind of support I needed.  My dad was suffering from intense back pain (he is currently on a morphine pump), and he vented much of his anger and frustration on the only person who was normally around - me.  I even remember him blowing up on me when I came home to tell him about getting into 1-day Quest (you only get into 5-day Quest with a 4.0).  He was furious as to why I didn't get into 5-day Quest.  I was confused and disheartened.

Fast-forward to the middle-school years.  My life was finally falling apart.  I picked up smoking at a young age, my grades were falling apart - I was about to fail 6th grade.  I had no drive to do my homework when I came home - I lied to my dad about work I had to do, I even forged his signatures at times to try to keep out of trouble.  My world was quickly falling apart.

I even remember doing drugs one day and crying, and wanting something so much better than the life I was living.  Couldn't there be something better for someone like me?  I just wanted to die, and never live.  I was angry that I was even alive.  I said, "It wasn't fair, I didn't ask to be born."  I was so angry, by this time, but I kept it all inside, not knowing how to deal with it.  

I got a report card one day - there were D's and F's on it.  I broke down crying in class, and I finally told my teachers that my dad would beat me if he saw my grades.  They realized the call and the need for help.  They quickly scheduled a conference with my dad to help me get back on track.  I remember even asking to stay for detention every day, just so I could have a good environment to finish my homework.  They gave me something better - I was allowed to go to class early in the morning to do my work.  The environment was mentally much better for me - at home, I had given up the will to learn.  

I barely passed that year (I still think the teacher passed me because of my drive in the last quarter, not because my scores really reflected it - I BARELY passed!)  But I remember the happiness I felt in that moment.  

Next year, pretty quickly, the teachers introduced me into a program that could help rehabilitate me academically, and help me enroll into a prep school, and eventually go to college.  This turned out to be a huge blessing in my life - I recall the moment, high on drugs, when I was wanting something different in my life so bad.  

I remember the first day we went shopping.  They bought me $500 worth of clothes.  I had never had that much money spent on me in my whole life.  That wasn't far from what my dad and I lived on a month.  I had a home during the week at the Bluegrass Boys' Ranch, and I went home on the weekends.  They began to teach me how to study, how to do chores, how to one day become a man.  

I admit - it was a hard transition.  I was still full of anger, and it showed in outbursts at the Boys' Ranch.  I remember winning the B.S. award at the end of the year -I'll see if you can figure that one out.  I was definitely still having major emotional issues, although my grades had improved - one good step!

Even though my grades were improving, I was falling apart still - I hadn't dealt with my issues.  I was about to get kicked out of the program.  One person there still wanted to give me one last chance, so they took me to a counsellour who changed my life.  I won't go into everything here that happened that day, but for the first time, I felt peace in my life - as if I was on a cloud.  My behaviour changed overnight.  I won't say that every issue was immediately healed, but I had so much more strength, and peace, to overcome those issues now.  

Fast-forward again - I got a full scholarship to the Hill School, a very nice school in Pennsylvania.  I continued in a strong academic drive, had some wonderful opportunities...it was totally different from the life in the trailer park.  I even received 2 full scholarships to college.  I didn't take them - I felt life was taking me a different route.  But the experiences were nevertheless life-changing.  I still cherish values that I learned at the Boys' Ranch and the Hill School, and I do believe I can say that even without college, I may appreciate the experience more than some who went, and that I gathered more from it than some.  

Fast-forward to now: Here I am, in front of a computer, making a choice to open up and tell a piece of my life.  This doesn't touch all of it by a long shot - a very quick glimpse into my story.  But what we can see here is a series of choices.  There were some choices I made that were poor - they would have hurt.  I had to have help along the way...I don't think I could have ever done it on my own.  But now, I have the choice to testify to what I have been through.  Maybe there is someone else out there who needs to make a choice, but doesn't know how to follow through.

The first thing is, you need to see what the choice is - who does it affect?  What is it going to take?  Is it worth it?  You cannot have an excuse attitude.  Excuses are the poison in the soup, the air bubble in the bloodvein.  You cannot see the long-term effects that excuses hold in your life.  And you need to understand why you lean on those excuses.  Often, an excuse is like a security blanket and a shield, defending you from things that you are afraid of.

In chess, we talk about "ghosts" on the board - things that look scary, but aren't as real of a threat as they appear.  We use excuses to avoid "ghosts" in our lives.  But maybe that is all they are - "ghosts", or "what-ifs".  Sometimes "what-ifs" never really happen.  

I encourage you to take a good look at something in your life that you want to change.  You may need help - I definitely needed a lot of help in my life.  But when you begin to set your feet on stable ground, and achieve what you have wanted to achieve in your life, the feeling is so good!  It will be worth the drive, the effort, that you must put it.  Don't give up!  Keep reminders of why you are doing what you are doing, and even a log of progress, to help motivate you.  

I can say my life has been affected for the better, so much better, thanks to good choices.  And I encourage you to embrace good choices in your life as well.