To everyone in Chess.com,
Please pardon me for my sudden post in this forum here (even if it's my first forum post.)
I am now 22 years old, and will be turning 23 in January 16. My first 21 years of life has been fully enjoyable. But up to 5th January 2018 was the date where things have taken a giant turn for the worse in my life. There are two things that happened that changed my outlook of life in an instant.
One, I suffered a horrible breakup against someone who also happens to be my extended family tree on that very date. I'd like to acknowledge it however, that I have already gotten well over it. That was not the main factor as to why I fell into a spring of negative thoughts that went on for more than 9 months. The real factor that landed me into having a negative outlook on life is because, few days afterwards, on a much separate issue, things went horribly wrong with my family and my parents were NOT supportive on me at my worst days.
Yes, I do acknowledge that I have a healthy lifestyle, always committing to 10K walking steps per day, sleep 7-9 hours each night (stuck on a super-healthy sleep schedule) for 3 years, with an average of 1.5 hours of deep sleep every day. The food is there, the shelter is there, the basic needs are all there. Even the internet is there where I can use it.
But still, my mind was not at peace. Not for that entire duration I highlighted the text in bold. Why?
My parents, were negative-minded by nature. But last year, it was not just the typical negative words you hear daily that you can bear. Every time I watch my Mum and my sister do things, they first instinct was to look for any faults or shortcomings any other person has. For example, when a car driver narrowly misses their car (that I sit) from a possible accident, my sister and mum would typically pinpoint their anger at other drivers.
And It was because my mum, at least one day (of 2018), had made threatening statements to the family where she said the following, where it ended up permanently engraved in my mind:
1: "YOU KNOW WHY I'M STRESSED EVERYDAY? THAT I DON'T FEEL GOOD? ITS BECAUSE OF YOU!" . And she said that right in front of me and my sister's face.
We all can look from the parent's point of view, that my mum has been stressed from work and just wants to vent out her anger. To me however, her choice of words, along with the tone had sent me the message that "she comdemns me and my sister."
2: "If you don't know how to sweep the floor correctly, you may as well leave the house". This was by my sister directed towards me.
3: "I feel like I AM THE ONLY ONE CONTRIBUTING IN THIS HOUSE FOR ALL HOUSE CHORES."
And all that alone, sent me into deep anxiety and depression.
In summary, I am living with a family who is capable of taking care of themselves and their children still, but also where I now constantly feel it is no longer a safe place for me to call home. Every single day whenever I am with my Mum, I always have this thought that she will scold me hard for even extremely minor mistakes such as forgetting to switch off the night lights. That's not to say my parents don't have their happy side. There were some days where my parents were completely in good mood and would share things (like the past 21 years), but still I could not wrench my mind out of the trauma of the threatening words my mum and sister said to me last year.
I know I have already shared my struggles with 11 other people whom I consider as friends, but now I want to share it again because these thoughts have been racing around my mind non-stop.
That doesn't mean though, that I no longer had motivation on chess. I still do, and found myself having passion for it. On my past 3 months my overall tactics rating improved marginally, as well as Blitz to 1.2k (where I found myself stuck in 900+), and getting back to Rapid 1200 rating.
I know the principles of developing pieces, castling the king, connecting the rooks, and what are forks, skewers, pins, support mate, back rank checkmate, trapping queens.
Chess has become the only activity in where I could literally enjoy and put my mind on without worrying about anything else (for now.) Here is my most recent Rapid game.
With that, I'd like to conclude that sharing is caring. I am well aware that not sharing one's problems and mental struggles in life would only make it worse for one's mental health. Although I can really enjoy chess and make friends (yes, I'd like to have a chess coach as well), I may not fully appreciate what my parents will do for me in the coming days, due to their authentic, verbal threats on me that I could never forget.
With that, Happy New Year 2019 to all chess players! Feel free to comment about my game. Did I make any rookie blunders? Mistakes? Inaccuracies? I'll be happy to read it!
