Where's Captain Pike?
Hello, everyone, and thanks to all who left me kind notes inquiring about my well being. I'd like to give an update on what's going on with me. Many who have expressed concern and the many members to my neglected groups deserve at least that much ...
When my activity with chess.com first began to dwindle, it was due to issues of depression. Two or three years ago, I went through a particularly difficult holiday season; and it wasn't until earlier this year that I realized that my "seasonal depression" far exceeded "seasonal" and I was depressed for probably 2 or more years. For those who do not have such struggles in their life, I know it can be perplexing how someone could be depressed and not realize it; but for those of who share anxiety disorders understand that "it's hard to see it when you're in it" and "our irrational state of mind makes perfect sense to us".
During this year, however, I have experienced some really good changes, deep down in my core. I find positive an elating changes about how I view myself as a human being; my place in society; etc. These changes and this growth has been amazing.
I have learned that I actually like myself. I have realized that I'm not a good person because I do right; no; I do right because I am a good person! Something has been unlocked deep inside me; and when I used to give or accept love, there was this little piece of "me" locked away deep inside where no one could touch. When I looked at others, like my own parents, it was like: I love them and they love me; but you know, I"m really just not quite sure ... and now looking at another whom I care about and just feel it flowing with no regard for uncertainty nor fear of being hurt because of it. When I laugh, I don't just laugh from my throat; I laugh from my toes. My behavior has changed as well. I get out more, spend more time with friends, and spend less time lockd away in my little make-pretend starship bridge. What's been going on with me has been amazing and liberating.
But these changes, however, have led to an unexpected result as well. I find that I have just very little interest in the internet anymore. I'd rather be volunteering at the local museum or snatching up my friends and going to an ice cream parlor. So basically, my growth as a human being has caused changes in how I spend my spare time and has caused me to re-evaluate how I wish to do so.
Of course, things are as things are; and seasonal depression (SAD) is still present. This year, I am grappling with it very well; seeing only subtle signs trying to sneak their way up (insomnia, dreams, occasional boughts with anxiety); but it has all been very managable.
My absence here has had more to do, as of late, with being unsure about what it is that I want to do. I find myself at conflict: that a few groups (and their subsets) are groups I don't want to let go of (Starfleet, Jedi, LGBT, to name a couple); but at the same time, I find myself disinterested and unmotivated to put in the time and work required to take care of them properly. Many groups, I have already abandoned and are now available for someone to take control (when there is no SA, a premium member may submit a ticket to staff and have them promote one to the SA spot; and if there is no one available to approve a membership request, one may submit that membership request and be admitted/promoted by submitting that same ticket). Those that I have not yet abandoned: Well, they hang in the balance.
The members of each of my groups are entitled to a timely decision from me; and I have failed in that. As a result, this dampens group spirit and morale; and for that shortcoming, I apologize.
Do not jump to conclusions about what I will keep and what I will not. I don't even know myself.
For those who read this, I'd like to wish you a very happy holiday season; and may you find peace and good fortune in the coming year.