101 Reasons I Hate Chess #1 - 12: Players, Bloggers & Streamers

This is all about love and hate. And where they intersect in my chess. And sometimes bisect.

We won't talk about everything chess. But over this series we will give brief shoutouts to the following: Players; Bloggers; Streamers; Game Ending Conclusions; How to Improve at Chess; The Pieces; Openings; Endings; Variants that use a Standard Board; Variants that use Nonstandard Boards; and finish with Clocks and Time Controls. 

The Players
1. Computer-assisted cheaters 
We usually can't tell who they are. Though it's fun to scan your archive once in a while and see who got banned for unfair play and you just had a feeling that they were using outside assistance. Thankfully, chess.com can spot them! Even better, chess.com can restore any lost rating points! For a more sarcastic look at cheating, both old school and new, I'll refer you to my blogs How to Cheat...at Chess and How to Cheat at Chess: Today's Tawdry Tricks to Tomorrow's Taunting Truths, both posted earlier this year.

2. Abusers 
In particular, I'd like to point out the people who lose a series of games to you. Then win once because of a mouse slip, poor time management, simple distraction (e.g., a 120-pound mastiff who thinks they are still a lap dog), or sheer boredom on your part. And only then do they ask to chat so that they can pour scorn upon you. Thank goodness for reporting and blocking!

3. Losers who quit moving 
A brief message to those folks. Were you realistically expecting to win by seeing if I had the patience to stare at a position on the board for three minutes in a blitz game? Did you honestly think I'd lose patience and abandon the game, thereby losing, because you sat there for three minutes while your clock ticked down to almost zero before you finally mouse-clicked for the final time? Don't you know I can open other tabs and windows and amuse myself while letting your clock dwindle to zero? Besides, it was obvious you should have resigned or just made some random move and accepted mate upon receipt of my next move. Or were you hoping chess.com would create a "Sore Loser" badge, and you wanted to be first in line? Note that this particular poor sport may not have faced a threat of mate but may have simply realized they were about to lose material and be a Queen, or the piece/pieces of your choice, behind and attempted the same strategy.

4. Sandbaggers 101: Rating manipulation to get a higher rating 
I've played a few 2500+ rated players on chess.com who didn't seem to be very good. In some cases, they were just having a bad game. Happens to everybody. In instances...well, a little research in their game archives of three distinct accounts led me to realize why they weren't very good. In each case, they opened three or more accounts at the same time on the site with usernames that were all slight variations of the same username. Then a series of round-robin games were played amongst those accounts. And the primary account, the one that "earned" the highest inflated, fictional rating, always beats the extra accounts to balloon the rating of that primary username. Then the extra accounts were closed. And then the primary user played only unrated games. And proceeds to accuse people who beat them of using assistance. Yeah, right.

5. Sandbaggers 201: Ratings manipulation to get a lower rating 
I know they're out there. People who purposely lose a large number of games so they can compete for prizes against those who are objectively their inferiors. And then win prizes. It's been a while since I encountered this particular misfit. My encounters were always in OTB tournaments. I assume the same treacherous behavior has crept into certain online events as well.

6. Winners who run 
A particular pet peeve of several folks I know. I get it. Someone clearly inferior to you wins a game by some misfortune on your part, whether a distracting phone call, a surprise visit by a pet (cat on the keyboard, anyone?), an intrusive family member, or the hated mouse slip. Then the better-lucky-than-good victor doesn't offer you a return match. On the other hand, they could have had to run off for valid reasons. So, this one is a double-edged call. Life happens sometimes. Still sucks though. So, I am including this category. With mild reluctance since it could simply have been circumstance or habit that prevented a rematch offer. With apologies to those of my friends who get extremely fired up on this topic.

The Bloggers
7. The Spammers 
Those wonderful humans, presumably, who post five to ten blogs in a matter of seconds on the "All Blogs" page. Frequently each blog includes the following: the same title; some simplistic thumbnail image that is repeated ad nauseam; and a few nonsense characters, often less than ten characters, in the main body of the blog. Not words, just random characters. And their aimless creations clutter up the All Blogs page when I'm trying to see what others have posted for the day. I don't know. Maybe it's performance art? But it seems fairly Foxtrot Uniform to me.

8. Great thumbnails
Pure jealousy on my part, the green-eyed devil peering out from a mental cage. I briefly try to eat my heart out when I see one...puzzling all the while over where and how that phrase could have originated. Some kind of zombie reference? I thought their protein of choice was brains, not hearts. And with that reminder about brains, when I see a great thumbnail, and I'm not talking about a manicure and stylish choice of nail polish, I then try to learn a new trick from whatever thumbnail just earned my full appreciation. After all, stupid is easy. But thinking is hard. So, every once in a while, I put some effort into trying to think. Until I can smell the word burning in my sawdust-filled head. But I still have to ask. How do you get a picture of a board dead center in the middle of a paragraph of text that surrounds the picture??

9. The time I invest in writing blogs
I could be...well, actually, in what possible way could I be making better use of my time? Some might argue I should stick to writing chess books. Certainly, a better return on the time invested one might argue. Except I happen to know, as the author, that my blogs and chess books feed off each other. Not in any kinky kind of way mind you. More synergy than sin. And no zombie cannibalism either.

10. Blogs that are too long
Like the initial version of this blog. I started out intending to create a short list of love-hate statements and ended up with a novelette.  I do tend to blather on. Ten mea culpas and one rosary for me.

I have a stream! A stream that one day all viewers will watch!

The Streamers
11. The Great Ones (Hikaru, GothamChess, the Botez sisters, et al)
 Again, pure jealousy on my part, though a slightly different type of green-eyed devil. I'm not camera-ready on my best days and have always found that I can chatter patter glibly for an hour...and then I am done for the day. Perhaps done for an entire week. So, I would NOT be a good streamer. In my opinion. That does not mean I cannot be jealous of those who do not suffer from my inabilities.

12. The time I spend watching streamers
Well...technically, I am retired. So, I probably shouldn't worry about the "lost" hours spent binging on various chess streams. Okay, superego, cancel that order of self-hatred. I love myself and I'm very special...in some way that isn't readily apparent at this time.