A true king leads from the frontlines

Welcome everyone to my quick guide. As you've read from the title... I will attempt to convince you of the joys of playing the bongcloud. Then I'll give you tips on a few things to keep in mind when playing. And lastly, I'll let you see some bongcloud games. This way you can see the principles in action.

Why Play the Bongcloud?

To start, I feel it's important to look at the actual benefits of playing the bongcloud (there are no drawbacks). So why? Why play the bongcloud?

Psychological advantage

It's safe to say that anyone who plays the bongcloud has no pressure from the competitive nature of chess. Playing the bongcloud admittedly requires you to have the mentality that you'll likely lose, but you'll fight no matter how bad it gets. I suspect you might not even resign when you've lost a queen since you never expected to win anyway

On the opposite side, anyone who plays against the bongcloud has no intentions to lose. It would simply be a crushing humiliation to play seriously against the bong and lose anyway. Of course this is simply an assumption. I've rarely encountered the bongcloud, and I've never lost in a humiliating fashion. If I encounter the bongcloud, I reciprocate with 2.Ke7, thus initiating the fearsome double bongcloud opening.  

The Destruction of the Opponents Mental State

It's hard to forget the game when someone plays f3 and Kf2 and just crushes you. That's so humiliating

This comes straight from GM Wesley So, after an unforgettable loss against GM Magnus Carlsen. Unforgettable, because the opening Magnus used was a bongcloud! GM So made further comment on how a loss like that was "psychologically draining". That clearly proves how painful it is to lose to the opening (even at a high level). Some of your more elitist opponents may even have nightmares after this encounter. It's a bit sadistic, but some readers may find relish in giving their opponents at least one night of insomnia.

Rizz Booster 

Imagine it, you played 2.Ke2 and just went through hell trying to survive your foes pursuit. After a long struggle you equalise. After another 15-20 moves, they crack. They make the blunder that ends it all. You play the forced mate in 3 and you sit back in relief. Despite your attempts to play it off as nothing much, you find yourself grinning. You've won! Against all odds you were the one who got the last laugh. You got the first laugh too of course, but there's nothing quite like the last. Your confidence is over 9000, so you go for another round... You lose, of course. You'd almost forgotten that you're trash, but... at least for that small amount of time, you were a king.

Quick Tips:

Hopefully you've seen the benefits of 2.Ke2 (or whatever variation). So in order to allow you to actually enjoy your first experience I have some tips. What do you need to know for a more successful experience?

On Playing the Bong, My Principles

• Don't study the opening. Throw out your copy of Winning with the Bongcloud. The bongcloud is not an opening you should spend time figuring out. So long as you move your king to the second rank on the second move, it is a pure bongcloud. Just follow chess principles after that and you'll be fine... Maybe.
• Don't move your king back immediately. The bongcloud has 3 disadvantages. King safety, loss of castling and loss of initiative. The most important is initiative. For a couple of moves your king is actually relatively safe, so wasting time bringing it back to the first rank is giving your opponents 2 moves. Don't do that. Continue developing. You'll be fine... Maybe
• Make an attempt to manually castle. King safety and loss of castling are definitely a concern. So when you've completed development, start looking for a chance to manually castle.
• 15 moves. Just survive for 15 moves and (as long as you're not down material) you'll likely have equalised. The bongcloud is only dangerous for a couple of moves. Once you can pass that initial danger you might actually be able to win.
• Your opponent is going to lose pieces. This isn't going to happen 100% of the time, but the bongcloud makes people reckless. Try and take whatever is possible without risking yourself. When the dust settles you'll be 2 pawns up in an endgame.
• You're going to lose pieces. Defending an exposed king is brutal. Be prepared to sacrifice pieces for breathing room. When the dust settles you'll be 3 queens down somehow, but you might be able to clinch a draw.
• Trade queens early. Your queen won't be much use. It's an attacking piece, it's horrible at defence. For that reason your opponents queen will be too useful. Try and get queens off the board sooner rather than later. 
• Trade down as much as possible. Exchange, exchange, exchange. Every piece they have on the board is a possible threat to you. 
• Queen. Sometimes you need to put your king back on the first rank. Chances are the better square is the d square (it's difficult to explain, so you'll have to test it on your own). So when there's time castle with your queen.
• Lastly, have fun. Don't expect to win, but definitely try. It's just a joke so treat it as one.
• Bonus if you face the bongcloud, respond with a double bongcloud. It makes losing less frustrating, plus you can get a laugh out of the analysis. There is no downside. Don't get your panties in a bunch, and don't gatekeep. Chess is meant to be enjoyed, so enjoy it.

I'm fully aware that there is faction of bong players who prefer to walk their king to the other side of the board. They do not intend to win so these principles are of no use to them. At the end of the day we all strive to perform the bongcloud in the best way we can. There is no wrong way. I simply am giving instruction on my preferred way.

The Games

It would be negligent to not show some games using the bongcloud. I'll show you 1 master game, and 1 personal game. It'll prove just how good I am at using the opening.

All in all a perfect showcase of perfect bong principles. It comes as no surprise that I'd find a brilliancy in a game with this goated opening. Truly a near perfect bongcloud game. It would be vain to keep praising myself so I'll stop. I am after all, the humblest of men. So seeing this you'd probably be asking "Orca, surely this is the pinnacle of bongcloud chess. What more can you have for us?" Firstly, that's weird, don't do that again. I can't actually hear you. And secondly, you would be right, if it weren't for the existence of King Lenny...

The Puzzles

I think we'll end it here. Before you leave, solve these puzzles to ensure you understood everything you've learned today.