Types of Chess Players (Part 3)

Hi all,
Welcome back to another look at the wonderful, chaotic, and sometimes confusing personalities you meet in the chess world.  As always, this is all in good fun — no offense meant, just relatable entertainment for the community. So, please don't take my jokes seriously. Just treat them like a stand-up comedy.

If you haven't read Part 1 or Part 2, go check those out first:- Part 1 and Part 2

Let’s dive in:

1) The Tournament Tourists
"I came, I saw… I conquered 0.5 points."

These players don’t play tournaments to win — they play for the experience, sometimes the free pen, and maybe the snacks.
Their prep? None. Their confidence? Unshakable.
You’ll find them proudly showing off their participation certificate like it’s a GM norm.
They might spend more time chatting with others and taking selfies than playing actual chess.
Pro Tip: If you're paired with them, expect good vibes — and a lot of stories about how they once "almost beat a 1900."

2) The Daydreamers
"Wait… it’s my move??"

These folks are on a different spiritual plane mid-game.
Their turn comes, and they’re just… staring. Not thinking. Not calculating. Just vibing.
They might be watching Netflix, scrolling Twitter, or just philosophizing about life.
They make one brilliant move, followed by three "what was that?" blunders.
Pro Tip: If you wait long enough, they'll either panic-move or time out. Just stay focused while they drift into another dimension. 

3) The Weird Ones
"I only play well when I’m not supposed to."

The ultimate paradox. They beat strong players with smooth positional play... then lose to someone who hangs their queen on move 6.

Wins against 1500 rated players with ease, but hangs mate in 1 to 850s.
Their rating graph looks like a seismograph during an earthquake.
Some suspect they are cheating — but no, they’re just naturally chaotic.
Pro Tip: Approach with caution. They might either crumble in front of you or make you crumble in front of them— there is no in-between.

4) The Over Chaotic Ones
"Brilliant move! Blunder! Brilliant! Missed win! Blunder!"

Their games are a rollercoaster — full of sacs, misfires, and drama. Their games are like Hollywood thrillers — full of twists, sacs, brilliancies, and absolute disasters.
They might play a stunning queen sac, then immediately hang mate-in-one.
Post-game analysis: “+9, -6, +8, -10, draw.”
Pro Tip: Against them, no lead is safe, and no blunder is fatal — because with them anything can happen within 3 moves or less.

5) The Opening Mugging-Up Players
"I don’t need to think — I’ve memorized this line 12 moves deep."

These players have studied openings like it’s their final exam.
You play e4? They have 27 responses memorized.
The second you leave theory, they fall into a mild existential crisis.
Pro Tip: Throw them off with a surprise gambit. If they can't rely on prep, they’re suddenly not so invincible.

6) The 1:00 AM Elo-Chasers
"Just one more game… I need those 8 points back!"

They lose a game at 8 PM and decide to win it back. Five hours and 17 games later, it’s 1:00 AM.
They’ve been alternating between rage and focus for hours, hoping to recover their precious elo.
You’ll find them saying “Last game,” for the 6th time in a row.
Pro Tip: If you see them online late at night, they’re either desperate or unstoppable — usually both.

7) The Rage Quitters
"That’s it. I’m done. Forget the game!"

One blunder and they hit the resign button faster than a premove. If they lose a single piece, it's like the entire world collapsing.
You'll never get a “GG.” Only a disappearing act.
Half their games end before move 20 — because “why waste time?”
Secretly, they’ll return in 10 minutes for a “fresh start”.
Pro Tip: Play solid. If you survive the opening, they might rage-quit before things get complicated.

8) The “It Was a Mouse Slip” Player
"Wait no, I meant queen to e4! Pls draw?!"

Every mistake they make? Totally a mouse slip.
Lose a rook? Mouse slip. Hang mate? Mouse slip. Blunder everything? Mouse slip.
Sometimes will request a draw, hoping for sympathy .
But if they win? “It's all pure skill" as if the mouse didn't exsisted.
Pro Tip: Don’t fall for it unless you're absolutely sure.

9) The Analyser
"Let’s check the engine — maybe I was winning the whole time!"

No game is complete until they’ve fired up Stockfish.
Even a casual bullet match gets 15 minutes of deep analysis.
They’ll break down a 9-move blitz game like it’s the Candidates.
Some of them have more games saved in PGN format than they do photos on their phone.
Pro Tip: Analysis good for improving chess skills, but it shouldn't take too much of one's time.

10) The 5-Minute to Hyperbullet Player

“Why rush when I can blitz you to panic?”

These players have absolute speed — they start a 5-minute game, and for the first 4 minutes, they just sit there staring at the board like they’re in a chess meditation session.
Meanwhile, you’re desperately trying to come up with a plan, but your opponent is in full super mode, casually waiting until the last 30 seconds.
Once they hit the 30-second mark, the transformation is complete — they turn into a hyperbullet machine, spamming moves at lightning speed with no regard for thinking or strategy.
Every move is a gut reaction in the final seconds, and you're forced into a rapid game of “what on earth is going on here?!”
They’ll start hyperbullet mode, playing faster than you can even react. Their clock is ticking down, but they somehow make every move correctly with 0.5 seconds left.
When the clock finally runs out and you lose by a fraction of a second, you’re left wondering, “I thought I was safe... until the last thirty seconds”

Pro Tip: Do NOT try to out-blitz them — this is their domain. They're masters of the speed game and can make lightning-fast moves with no thought or care for the quality of those moves.
Avoid falling into their trap. If you're up on time, just keep playing slow and steady. Make sure you stay calm, because they live for making you panic.

Final Thoughts:
If you saw yourself (or your opponents) in any of these player types, don’t worry — we’re all a bit of everything sometimes. Honestly, I used to be a bit of both tournament tourist and opening mugging up players when I first started with chess. Once again, I am telling that these are completely for entertainment purpose and are not to be taken seriously.

Which one are you? Or did I miss your category? Let me know in the comments!

Do you want a part 4? Drop in the comments. (I'll make part 4 only if I feel that you all want a part 4)