Dear Pawns of cyber world chess.
First of all it is important for you to know that I am a legend in my own mind. I suffer from a heavy dose of narcissism just like you - in that I think it is my divine right to win every game I play. Of course that does not happen, and what is worse, I am on a really bad losing streak. The countless nights I have had thinking - 'If I had only just moved that particular piece or another....I would have....' You know what I mean, right? So in lieu of of all this agitation, having lost a fair amount of sleep, as well as a measure of chess dignity, I thought I would appeal to the goodness in you all. I know that chess is war on a board, attack and defend. But please attack less often - let me win - make it look as if you are trying, so as to appeal to my superiority complex - but let me win, nevertheless. Anyone and everyone who plays chess is under this false illusion that they are from a sovereign bloodline, that they themselves are Kings when they play. Look fellas there is only one King and he is writing this, so wake up to your self inflated sense of importance, and pay me some respect on the board. It is obvious that I am the best player on the planet - possibly of all time. I recently read an article which listed the top 10 players of all time.
On the list were: Lasker Nezhmetdinov, Larsen , Fischer , Karpov , Alekhine, Steinitz , Botvinik, Kasparov , and Capablanca
I mention these guys in passing only to tell you of my utter shock that I was not on the top of the list or at least somewhere between Kasparov and Capablanaca. I fact I wasn't even on the list at all. What a damn right liberty. I know I have been on a losing streak and my rating has dropped to 1110 as of late, but I was up to 1140 last month and just a few points behind the aforementioned group of pseudo champions.
As you can imagine I am sure, it is small wonder why I am getting no sleep - I am obviously 'chess stressed' having received so little courtesy and hardly any recognition in the major chess circles.
I know this is a long winded appeal, but fellas let me win 'all the time, every game'. I move my pieces like poetry in motion around the board, flawless, majestic moves that are full of ulterior motives and James Bond like trickery. The only thing is my usual undercover operations have been seemingly transparent to everyone who I have played recently. I know I have only been playing for 6 months only, but it is disturbing having had your cover blown so quickly.
I am sure you will all recognize the sanity of this appeal - as you realize the narcissism within yourselves. But on the board in cyber world, - 'there can be only One'. I am that One. So pay some respect fellas and let me win, let me win every single game, so that I can get my rating back to 2,980 - I feel a sense of great comfort and security there in my comfort zone.
Anyway I'll keep this appeal short - as I am sure that you all understand the situation by now. For anyone who has beaten me senseless on the board lately - then apologies will be expected, also an explanation as to why you think you have the right to beat me on the board. While you know in your heart that I am the only true King (except for Elvis of course).
If I do continue on my losing streak - you will be receiving more such appeals - with reverent indignity I will chastise you Pawns for lack of respect. I might even do a Henry V111's and behead your queen in my mind's eye. So you have all been warned of the consequences and I want no further excuses.
With tongue in cheek and half way up your bottoms
The Real King
(and don't forget - there can be only One)