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My emotions are so soft like I feel like I'm in a fairytale when I close my eyes and everything's quiet and I listen to music that makes me feel Like I'm flying I let my imagination take me away into a lovely place I call home as I dance in the stars I feel everything fade away, then its just me and my sadness, happiness and I feel like everything is better.  But when I live in a world of demons and angels and I'm scared to show my true emotions, I stay quiet to hide my fear and trauma but always end up crying. slowly losing myself over time, I feel like I'm falling down a never ending hole of fear and sadness, all my past traumas seeking up on me one by one taking turns.

Screaming, Crying, Running. When Will It ever work? I tried so many times. Days, nights, weeks, months. but when is it enough for you..? When will I finally give you what you need? When you tell me I'm selfish, a disappointment..? even going so far to saying you wish I wasn't born. but I fought for your love. I fought for trust and thats not enough?.. Well what is? Cause I know I HAVE GIVEN MY LIFE TO SATISFY YOU, AND ALL YOU DO IS THANK ME AND CALL ME NAMES. CALL ME CRUEL THING THAT I NEVER WISH TO HEAR AGAIN. YOU SAY I'M NOT ENOUGH. WHEN THE FUCK WILL I BE ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHEN WILL YOU FINALLY ACCEPT THE FACT I'M ME AND THATS NOT CHANGING?! I love you altough. You broke me, and I will never forgive. I am choosing love over you. choosing love over hatred.Choosing love over breaking down and giving up.

I went to the docters and found out something a little crazy.. I have schizophrenia and I might be a bit crazy. I don't know how to react about this I already know I have (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder. You can look it up but anyways, Thats why people go "Nah you fr crazy" or saying things I don't think I did, But the truth is I just don't remember at all. You don't have to reply if you don't want but I just wanted to state that, nothings going to change With me I'm still The same Val as before.

Yes its a nasty thing and yes It has happened to me and I have cheated before but I'm ashamed and Feel awful about it. Why did I do it? Do I even have a heart? I think I should lay off dating for awhile I think that if I stay I will end up gone. I mean I will end up gone either way but Its slower. I feel like a terrible person and somebody called me a cheater and I had ptsd of what I did. It feels Like I'm going crazy. (You can reply to this and I might reply to your questions or sumthing)

Sound's easy right? bullshit. I have trouble, I love two people at once, Why is it so hard? I love them very dearly to my heart. (ngl Talking about my two bff's) Can It just be a normal life of happiness? When I talk to both of them and they get mad I don't understand, I just want to be a normal friend group, with normal conversations. How do I tell them I like them both? I don't know, but I don't think I will, It would be to complicated to have them mad at me. what do I do?? I fr cried myself to sleep last night, Just tell me how to survive this torture.

They are big and strong, mighty and scary. But When It comes to needing them.... I'm blank? why can't it be normal, Why can't I feel like the little kid I used to be?  Emotional events have made Their way seeping slowly down into The heart, Given a chance to take them back from the dead or evil wont happen... Will it? No. I have some friends that I love and care for dearly Always making me smile but It always comes to an end when we fight. when we get mad, It feels like I'm in hell I have always tried to stay calm It makes me cry, feeling Like a little person In a big crowd. I've given myself a chance to get rid of Emotion entierly and It almost worked. I am stuck with love anger and fear, but why cant I feel sad? Why must I be stuck in a void of people who don't feel safe? (Not talking about my friends btw) Why am I trapped with so much hate, fear and lust? Lord forgive me for I have sinned. But why must I feel like constantly quiting, giving up all hopes and dreams, for what? some silly feeling? No. I must stand tall for those who need it. I must stand tall for those who cry and break and crack with no shoulder other then friendship. I will always be there for someone to cry, 

Jealously..  Jealously is a huge part of me. When attention isn't on me.. OR I'm being left out, I feel jealous It hurts me, to know that while I'm not there the "friends" I have, are probably having sighs of relief that I'm gone. While some people may be content that their friends expanding, and becoming free.. it.. it isn't the same for me.  I would like to be the main heart of my friends, and not be some third wheel.  This is a fucking dumb reason, since I am so keen on being alone, but all I want is the love and touch of a regular human. I'd love some hot latino and german chick who loves to eat jellybean (not plural) to call me daddy. I would love for her to cuddle me, and tell her how much she loves the sound of my voice, and how she would like to spend all of eternity with me. Or, a cute white boy, who looks like the love child of fiona and joker, to tell me how much he wants to kiss me, or be racist, but a cute type of racist (I mean none of that, except for the love child part) But.. It feels artificial. It feels.. fake. Like those words were strewn together for my contentment. They feel like just some dumb phrase, to keep me at bay. MY pride wouldn't allow me to speak my mind. It teaches me to keep quiet, even in the most hurtful moments, or you would become a laughing stock. When I tried to.. express? my uncomfortably around joseph, and val- (their flirting) I was told to "shut the fuck up nigger" Events like these, they tell me to keep quiet.. Once, I was being bullied- for trying to express my problems to a teacher That day, when I went to gym, some girls had ganged up on me in a corner, and one even slapped me. i tried to explain what I was saying, and when I looked around, the girl I liked, she had been sitting there recording. that was 3 weeks ago. These make me want to kill myself, or even worse.  They make me want to be in an empty white space, with a sun, and chirping birds, and a girl who I can make whatever I want to be.. No perverted things, no boobs.. Just someone who I can lay my head on, as she tells me how cute I am. how much she loves my personality- How much she cares for me, and wants my well being. That is the type of love I desire, and that is the type of love I would never get. The end 

Why do you think its good to change bad habits? For the comfort of others, For a better time, Etc. My reason to change my habits.. Is for my life. I am lonely, and that's because of my weird personality. I always end up saying something that upsets someone and therefore makes me lose them.. For instance, my weirdness. Today, I was on a call with 2 of my "friends" (yes, QUOTATION MARKS) And I think I made them uncomfortable, with my.. Behavior. I would make weird noises, and even from Joseph, whose normally chill, he even spoke up. I hope that one day, I can have a good friend group, who loves me for who I am.. Even if that habit doesn't change. I haven't made any progress towards changing it, Which is a major downside. I love my 2 "friends" through thick and thin, even when Valara flirts with Joseph in my face, Or when joseph is racist, I love them to death, and that would never change They are my main reason for living, and for the past 8 days, have been the best time of my life, Joseph. Im glad I met you, and your funny Racist personality, which I hate (and your flirting tendencies) And even you, Valara. Even if you do flirt with people in front of me.. You're still a kind girl. I hope you make the best in life, and stop eating jellybean!