Was it the opening?

If he doesn't move his Queen, it is simply pinned to the King from 23...Bb5

Haha, what a funny game. What's up with black's Nh6 & Na6? What bizarre play in general.

1. e3 is a flexible move indeed and is perfectly fine to play.

There was no real reason to play 2. d3. Black wasn't about to invade those 2 extra light squares that a pawn on d3 controls, and you would have been better off developing pieces & preparing to castle with something like 2. Nf3. Note that by making those 2 pawn moves, you've restricted both of your bishops. Why not play 2. d4 if you really want to move another pawn? Central control is always important.

3. h3 is bad, as well. Black's light squared bishop can develop anywhere along that diagonal, and it's really not the end of the world for it to come to g4.

You make too many pawn moves. In the opening, you should make as few pawn moves as possible. That "just in case" pawn move was crazy. Just in case of what? 4. f3 was a move that should have lost in short order. 4. f3 Qh4+ and the white king will be stuck in the center and will hinder his own development.

5. a3 is bad, too. Way too much time is being wasted. Your opponent is developing pieces, but it seems he is just putting on a show and doesn't really want to find jobs for his pieces. (3...Na6 & 4...Nh6 are both terrible moves.)

6. c4 sucks, as well - another pawn move. How are you going to win if you don't use your pieces? You should also keep in mind that every pawn move creates a weakness. If 6...dxc4 7. dxc4 Qxd1+ and black's better. Your annotation says that if 6...dxc4 then you would play 7. d5. After 7...exd5 8. exd5 though, you find your king on an open file with no pieces developped. Black's king is in a similar situation, but is closer to castling. That position's losing for white.

Note that any time up until now black could have played Qh4+ and promptly ruined your shit.

7. d4 is not very good, either. 7. dxe4 would have been nice for white. Wins a pawn & if 7...dxe4 or 7...dxc4 then 8. Qxd8+ is OK for white.

8. cxd5 is not bad. It's a good pawn trade & entices his queen to a square where you can develop with tempo. In your annotations you make a reference to a "d4-e8" diagonal. That's crazy! There is no such diagonal. I'm starting to think I'm getting trolled. Oh well.

9. Nc3 might be the best move there. You write that you "own the e5 pawn" but there is no pawn on e5. I'm not sure what that's about.

10. Nxe4 seems necessary as allowing black to take on f3 might cause white some problems.

After 12...Bc5, you miss that the bishop is inadequately defended. You play 13. Nd6+, of which I do not see the purpose. You can just take the bishop. You win a piece. 13. Nxc5: Game is over.

Once it gets a little complicated, black just gives you ALL his stuff. Woop woop.

My advice: play stronger opposition. Most people play better chess than black their first time at the board (which makes me think this thread might be some kind of troll). Don't give material away. Take the material your opponent gives you.

Don't make so many pawn moves in the opening. There's no "baiting and waiting." You put a pawn or two in the center. You develop your shit. You kill his king. End of story.

I'll giv a try...

As essnov said: don't make so many pawn moves. focus instead on developing your pieces.

Also be very careful with moving your f-pawn (especially to f3 as it blocks the f3 square for the knight) since it opens up the diagonal to your king.  There are usually "better" moves. ...Qh4+ could have been a hell for you.

Personally I aim at castling early in the game to get my king into safety as quick as possible. Its vulnerable in the center.

"Waiting and baiting" sounds like you're waiting for your oponent to make a mistake, maybe works well at start but I believe you'll have problems with it at higher lvls.

This was a live chess game though and they usually get a bit crazy from time to time. If you want to improve I recomend to play online-chess where you dont have any time pressure. But live chess is more fun I admit. And chess is only a game after all.

Otherwise I just have to agree with all that essnov has said.

Haha! you're right.  I agree with alot of your comments, i guess i do play a pawn game too much in the beginning, but i can never seem to find a good line to commit or develop my pieces.  so i just move pawns till i see something i guess. 

and about the e5 pawn...oops...i meant e4 i think.

thanks for the comments guys.

but i have one more question.  whats the definition of trolling?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=trolling

Being a jerk on the internet because you can get away with it.

e3 is bad because you lose initiative in the center and ristricts your Bishop. For the same reason d3 is also bad. F3 is even worse. A check with the black queen from h4 and you lose the 0-0 and 0-0-0. Whenever f pawn is moved the diagonal h4-e1 (or h5-e8) opens and this means usually trouble, especially if ther is no Knight on f3 (f6) to defend the h4 (h5) square from the envasion of the enemy queen. Your opponent was simply even worse than you that is why you won.  

Here's my analysis of the first dozen or so moves.  A lot of your problems were, as you said, due to your play in the opening.

what are you doing playing your nine year old child