Invent the new worst/most useless chess piece ever!

Then you abort the game

The pawn. It is a straightforward one:

You move it one square at a time always forward, except when it sits on the second row, in that case you are allowed to move two swares in an only move. It does not captures in the same way it moves, it captures diagonally (only pieces at one square distance)

And wait, I've come up with yet another absurd rule, if it's on the fifth row and a pawn from an adjacent column moves two squares, it can capture as if the move was only a one square push.

Wait, this piece is a mess, it would never be used on a chess game with such complicated rules

The Blob. It grows bigger every move and can swallow pieces.

The double move rule was added because chess games started too slowly. The en passant capture rule was added so that locking up the position wouldn't be so common.

C'mon man.......wtf

the superpiece: combo of queen + knight if the superpiece checks the king has 2 moves to flee

A 2nd king, that does not move, pieces can jump over, and cannot be checked, and is also invisible.

isnt that capture the flag chess

The whirlwind. It is transparent to all pieces  and every three moves, it immediately goes to e4/d4/e5/d5.

The hungry minion, forces you to carve all your pieces out of banana pudding and eats them. And since you lost your king you lose

My piece is Meh. Say meh and you win.

The Whiskey - doubles all your opponent's pieces

The Marxist

Changes every single piece into pawns.

Hey! your pawns have reached the edge of the board! You know what that means...

Nahh, called the fred.

the atomic pawn, every time it moves destroys all things behind it. a game played by atomic pawns.

worst thing ever.

The king is the most important, but not useful piece ever. 

I dislike the king because when he is in check you must save it first. 

I have another one! It's called the cat!

Looks: It is a cat.

Moves: It can only jump over a piece in order to move. If it's jumping over an enemy piece, it is capturing it.

Reasons why it's a great piece?: It likes pickles