Signs you're a bad chess player

When you decide whether you're a f5 g5 player or a f4 g4 player.

you have a rating of 0

You have to ask every game "Do you have to jump?"

Or you brag to your chess buddies that you played a game and had 3 kings before you lost.

You are rated 1822 but loose to a 1260

Your opponent says "check"! and you offer to pay with credit card.

Haywood (350 lbs.) stopped by for a game of blitz, and he sat on your Bobby Fischer, 4" x 4", genuine plastic, pocket-peg-board chess set...your lucky ombudsman (wrong word, but it sounds nice)...cracked the board to smithereens (I like that word, too) and, now,what are you going to do...hah?

You are at a loss for words. And, if you had any, they'd all be cuss words.

Dern you to heck, Haywood!!!

But, wait...he probably didn't do it on purpose. He may be a lot of things, but he is not a nasty lumbricoid nematode. You are definately maybe-certain of that.

So, you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. You also plan to save up another $1.99 so that you can buy a replacement of eBay. What the hay.

 "Member Since: Nov 2011"

How do you know who Haywood is?

Having sinister cognitive dissonance, are we?  For that, I take a night cap...Napolean Mardarin Cognac, on the rocks with an orange slice.

Haywood is the chap who lives below me and was pounding on his ceiling with a mopstick, above which I was sitting in my bonafied Morphy bathtub that was leaking.

When you've always thought of yourself as a "Fail first, make an attempt to come back later" player

 I find it funny that every time you come back with a new alias you buy a new premium membership. I don't find you funny though...you're just an idiot

No one but a bonifide control freak (who also happens to be a bad chess player) would thump himself on the chest and say:

Make me a mod and I'll rule with an iron fist

There'll be no more spam, trolling, ignorance, cloned threads etc. Serious chess discussion is an endangered beast here and I can fix that...just give me the power 

Don't worry, you can all still have your fun where appropriate ie. in the Fun With Chess section 

P.S.: I'd work on myself about the ignorance thing before I mandate it on others.

And, I would be so kind as to live and let live...unless you want to be an Obama, a Hitler, a third world dictator...as well as a bad chess player.

I'll bet you are glad that you messed with me.

And, speaking of idiots, don't you realize that this is the Fun With Chess section???

i don't know what the hippo is so i'm just going to say most of those are wrong

playing Nc3 isn't bad :p

that was a long time ago

What do you think I played?!

King x f6 of course... The only way to stalemate!

It was blitz, but not really a good excuse.

Thanks in advance if somebody finds my mouse, I threw it in the street ;-)

Probably something other than Qg2.