The Never Ending Chess Story

I heard him mumble.

"d4 or e4...?"

"Choose e4. Please!" he said

Suddenly the arbiter arrived at the board

He brandished a flamethrower, and...

I played e4

Then the aribter melted my e pawn, then placed a new one on e2.

"PLAY D4!!", he screamed, inches from my face.

"You must be teacher_1," I replied wittily. He responded by punching me in the face.

I responded by reeling back in agony.

"Always play the statistics!" he yelled, "give yourself every advantage you can get!".

My opponent played h5. Obviously not one of teacher_1's pupils.

I sneezed.  The air from it knocked my king over.

I looked up and saw my opponent holding a pepper shaker.

I lunged at my opponent.

Then his eyes started glowing red, and his form slowly changed. He was transforming into Bobby Fischer.

We continued playing.

(1. e4 h5 2.d4)

I beat him in 9,682 moves, because neither of us felt like claiming the draw, and eventually he went mad.

1/1! 

Next round I am up against...Oh No can it be?

erik!

Then I saw deep blue.