Help Wanted: Beautiful Chess Vixen

Help Wanted: Beautiful Chess Vixen

After years of meaningless encounters with vapid sorority girls (dramatic skanks), I figured it’s time to pursue a new venue. I‘ve decided my ultimate fantasy would be a gorgeous vixen who could beat me in the world’s greatest game. Now my hopes aren’t too high since either:

A)     All the attractive chess girls in the world could probably fit in a standard phone-booth.

B)      I’m Expert rated in USCF who hasn’t lost to a girl since I was rated 1400.

…But you never know until you try:)

Anyway, I’ve created a little survey (as a testament to how bored I am right now) to help me find my “holy grail” Go ahead and put your answers on my wall, or in a message, or on this thread, or in a bottle, I don’t really care just do it if you think you qualify;)

1)      Rate your attractiveness using a 1-5 scale (I’m talking appearance, no one cares about your personality)

A)     5- I could give SI swimsuit models a run for their money (and I probably lie)

B)      4-I’m attractive enough to where boys laugh at my witless jokes constantly

C)      3-I’m your average cutie, lacking any wow factor

D)     2- I’m pretty unattractive but I have one redeeming quality that hooks a lot of desperate guys

E)      1-I prefer to wear a bag as a hat

2)      What is your USCF class (or equivalent)?

A)     I’m a Master and will whoop your little expert butt

B)      I’m an Expert but will still probably lose to you because you’re so under-rated

C)      I’m a Class A player and might win a blitz game or two

D)     I’m a class B player and not worth your time

E)      I’m a class C player or lower and don’t know why I’m still filling this out

3)      What if your reply to 1)e4?

A)     I play e5 but don’t know any theory so I’m really just mimicking white

B)      I play c5 because I’m an aggressive little thang….haha

C)      I play the Petroff because I’m really boring and also a waste a time on the chess board

D)     I play the French because open positions give me a headache

E)      WTF is 1)e4 ?

4)      What is your white opening?

A)     I play e4…best by test suckas!

B)      I play d4 because the thought of learning e4 theory scares the crap out of me

C)      I play c4/Nf3 because I am boring

D)     I play f4 because I am a quirky girl who likes off-beat things

E)      I play g4 because my mother dropped me on my head when I was little

5)      What do you like to wear when playing chess?

A)     A stylish dress because I always dress to impress

B)      Hollister apparel because I lack individuality and must cling to a brand for a status boost

C)      Sweats and a tank top, keepin’ it comfy

D)     Nothing! I prefer chess in the nude! (Hint: <==Bonus Points)

6)      Which of these best describes your playing style?

A)     I just move pieces back and forth until my opponent says checkmate and I can go home

B)      I light the board on fire with my awesome tactics

C)      I try and squeeze my opponents position until they crack

D)     I play the (queer) hippopotamus and wait for my opponent to checkmate me

E)      I subtly expose my cleavage and distract my opponent, I also never lose

7)      What’s your highest education level

A)     I have a graduate degree and am clearly above your level (ed. note: you’re not)

B)      I just got my bachelors but don’t have a job because I majored in a fine arts program

C)      I am working on my undergrad right now and statistically am much more likelier to be promiscuous

D)     I may be stupid but at least I got my diploma!

E)      I am deadweight on a welfare program

8)      Anything else you would like me to know that may help your chance (or at least you think it will help you) go ahead and write here:

(Bonus points if you can recognize satire when you see it)   

I think you are going about this the wrong way. 

Now to improve the thread.

its a good thing your not a girl or you wouldnt get any of the bonus points at the end;) but thanks for the pic, I always love a delicious picture

so let me get this straight...you're making a thread in this forum in hopes of finding a life partner that's attractive, plays chess above NM level and have a master's degree?

good luck with that buddy, I doubt even a highly paid dating website could find you a girl that fits that description

eh I know I have high hopes...although there really arent any "right" answers on that thing, nor is it meant to be taken seriously haha

still waiting for someone to fill this out...come on ladies, what are you scared of?

The survey is too long, if I were a girl I wouldn't fill it out either. TL;DR ;).

...it's 8 questions, come on haha

1. b 2.a 3. b. 4. d 5. a 6. e 7. c.

1B, 2D, 3B, 4D, 5 C or D (D IF DOING ONLINE), 6C, 7E, 8 Knights are supreme pieces.

i dont evet think this is allowed

im starting to feel like you have a crush on me

I know this thread hasn’t been touched in a while but I agree with @comradedew but I feel there is an obvious question that needs to be asked. Why does her chess rating matter. Do you find someone moving a pawn hot. Do you do things that I cannot talk about because it violates a section TOS about graphic sexual description when she captures your rook. Do you have some humiliation fet fish

i;m reviving stupid forums

dang just got a warning for trooling lmao

fr