how is this not brilliant?

So white swaps off rooks, wins the bishop on d6 and white is a bishop and two pawns ahead. So the rook move wasn't brilliant because it loses very quickly. Never mind O.P. Better luck next time.

actually it doesn’t win the bishop, because taking the bishop hangs backrank mate, but it does hang f7 with check, which is still very bad

It looks like it wins the bishop .....

Can you post a line where the bishop is won?

After Kg7, which you suggested, white just swaps off all the rooks and the bishop is no longer protected, so there's no defence at all to Qd5.

Black can't use either rook to protect f7 and Kg7 loses, which only leaves the Q to protect f7 and that's no good either.

yea but if you take the bishop you hang qc1#, better is to take the f7 pawn with check

Qc1+ does nothing except win the b bawn. White controls the diagonals and has an easy win, due to ending up with the a-pawn and an extra bishop, of the colour of the queening square, so there's no defence.

So uh, I just realized there’s not a pawn on h2. I apologize for being big dumb, the bishop is in fact won

You aren't dumb .... it was just an oversight, like telling a psychopath to f off and you didn't notice she has a gun pointed at your head. The really dumb ones start into a tirade about how five years ago I mentioned I have a IQ of 169 and how dare I think I'm right just because of that delusion. Now *that's* dumb!

but look at this game which did get a brilliant move. keep in mind it was blitz, I'm sure my opponent isn't actually that bad.

It isn't brilliant. It's just a good tactical move. The lower your rating, the more it hands out brilliants as compensation for all the blunders. But black is winning, because white foolishly gave up a piece and this helps the win.